I keep my sex blogger identity pretty sheltered in my everyday life for a few simple reasons. Mainly, because my campus is very conservative and I need graduate school recommendations. However, every once in a while something comes up on my campus that makes me wish I were more out so I could inform people about sexuality. One of these instances came up just the other day when my school’s newspaper-turned-magazine published an article on “naughty gifts” for the holidays.
First, I was very surprised to even see this article seeing that my school treats its students as children that can’t make decisions for themselves about sexuality, life or anything at all. The administration seems to think that they are getting paid to play babysitter to 20-somethings rather than teaching. Because I have a relationship with one of the faculty members, I was referred to as an “immature child” and he was told being with me is just the same as if he were with a 13-year-old girl. Great move, university. Comparing your faculty in consensual relationships with pedophiles. Great move.
Secondly, I was saddened to see the kind of information the article included. The ideas ranged from sharing jelly toys to “spice things up,” putting whipped cream directly onto genitals and failing to properly explain what a rabbit vibrator or a cock ring actually is. I was reading this article as I went to the car to go home and when my partner got there I started immediately ranting about how I was going to out myself and write in to the editor to correct the misconceptions that the campus now held.
I had it all planned out perfectly. I was going to say, “While I was glad to see that [insert my university] is finally open to talking about sexuality with the student body, the recent article about sex toys as gifts included some missing information as well as incorrect information. When mentioning sharing toys, it should have been mentioned that toys should never be shared unless they are covered with a condom during use or they are made of a material like silicone that can be completely sterilized by boiling. Also, while whipped cream could be fun to apply to areas like the stomach, thighs, etc. it should not come into contact with genitals because of the risk of a yeast infection or a urinary tract infection. . . ” Yes! It was going to be perfect and finally draw some much needed attention to the lack of sexual information on campus. Then I was quickly brought back down to earth by my partner. My college is not liberal. It is not sex-positive. It doesn’t even offer reproductive health services of any type.
I looked at the name of the author and quickly recognized the name as a stuck-up fraternity member who frequently says derogatory comments about women. Then I noted the source he used for the article. It was a sex toy shop called “Exotica.” Unfortunately I’ve seen this store and it’s full of nothing more than cheap porn, jelly dildos, bad lubricants and a few nitrile cock rings. After some discussion with my partner we determined that since this article lacked seriousness and also journalistic style, he was probably dared by a friend to write an article about the “dildo store” and convince his editor to publish it. Considering my campus claims it is a “dry campus” and then runs articles about professor’s favorite drinks, it wouldn’t be too hard to get it published.
My partner appreciates my sex-positive and body-positive views, but instantly knew what the rest of the campus and the administration would think as soon as I signed my name to that letter talking about safety, positivity and sexual expression – they would call me a slut. A whore. A dirty cunt. You name it and they would call me it. I sadly agreed as I’ve seen this happen with women on campus who voice their opinions or even dare to admit that they have sex in a public manner (i.e. not just to the doctor who can’t tell anyone). I couldn’t risk not getting recommendations for graduate school, so I sadly bowed out from writing the letter to the editor.
It’s not just the administration and the student body, but even the campus doctor. When going in for a second look at my urinary tract infection that wasn’t going away he told me that if a certain antibiotic didn’t clear it up I’d need to “find a lady doctor” to look “down there” because that’s “not something a man can do.” I realize he’s not a gynecologist and that I should be referred to one if I need it, but the fact that he phrased it like that coupled with the fact that he can’t even ask me when my last period was without getting embarrassed is more than a little shameful. The time before that appointment I saw the nurse practitioner and she told me that I shouldn’t be having sex because that’s “not what girls my age should be doing.” Really? What should 21-year-old women be doing? Feeling dirty because we have vaginas? I don’t think so. She even went so far as to point to the basket of condoms in the lobby and try to make a joke by saying, “Oh my! What kind of girls do they think go here? I’m not that kind of girl!” At this point I was just happy to have some antibiotics and really didn’t want to get into a debate, so I walked out hoping I would never have to deal with this woman again.
I know, you’re thinking I should just get the hell out of there when I graduated this coming year and leave them for dead, but I feel some kind of obligation to them. Not because I like these people – it’s definitely not that, but I feel that every person has a right to accurate information about his or her own sexuality. The closest my school comes to giving this information is yearly aids testing offered for about 3 days and having a basket of condoms in the doctor’s office lobby – which of course no one ever takes because that would mean – gasp – you might be having sex with someone.
If you go to a university that comes near fitting this description, know that you are not alone. You’re probably not the only one frustrated on your campus either. I’ve talked to quite a few girls who are fed up with the lack of dialogue about sex and the lack of health services offered. If your school offers the opportunity to write anonymous letters to the editor of your newspaper, I highly encourage you to educate the student body. At least then you can say you tried, and one person out there reading might just learn something that could save them from an STI or other sexually related illness.