I like to say that I’m not a bad looking female. Sexy, even. I have a pretty face and large breasts. I didn’t always have these attributes. When I hit puberty I had moderate sized breasts, a larger built body, and my face was torn up from acne. Somewhere around age 16, I seemed to grow out of it and into a beautiful woman. I’m thankful for that in some ways. In others, it has caused me problems. The main place for these problems has been in the work force. I’ve been sexually harassed or discriminated against at pretty much every place I’ve ever worked.

It started at my first job. I was just coming to terms with no longer being in my awkward stages in the looks department. Perhaps I strutted a little more than I did before. Maybe I twirled my hair or giggled a little extra. Maybe I didn’t do anything at all, other than be a female.

I had a male coworker who was about two or three years older than me. We used to work the same shifts and got to be friends. He knew I had a boyfriend but still flirted with me in a casual way. Then it escalated. It turned into asking what we were doing sexually. What did I like to do in bed? Was I kinky or sensual? Did I like it rough? Now, I’m not one that minds talking about sex, but something was a red flag. I’d never had a job before, but somehow figured that my usual potty mouth wasn’t the most appropriate in the work place. I giggled and answered a few of the questions, because I’m honest and a sexually open person.

It got worse. We were working together late one night and ended up in a room alone. He pulled me aside and backed me into a corner. He told me how he wanted me to go down on him, and how he knew I’d be good at it. He told me my boyfriend would never know, it would be our secret. I ducked from underneath him and ran out to where the rest of the employees were, short of breath and shaken. I pretended like nothing happened. I was young and clueless. I thought I deserved it for ever answering any of the questions in the first place. I quit a few days after, and never told a soul why.

A few jobs down the line, I was hired by a man who hated females but had an Affirmative Action quota to meet. He had hired a male manager, to oversee our department, who was much like he was – misogynistic. Everything was fine for a while, and then the same things started to happen. This time it started with long, eery stares. Every time I would walk by he would undress me with his eyes in a very obvious way. He would flirt with me. I would, after learning from my last mistakes, nicely say I had a boyfriend, but thank you for the compliment. He always wanted to hug me for a job well done. Pretty sure that’s not par for the course in the working world. I’m not a hugger to begin with, but unable to figure a way out of someone reaching their arms around you, I stood there and got hugged. His hands would linger, and he would press himself up against my chest.

Then the questions started again. What did I do with my boyfriend? What did I like? I’m not sure why these questions are so popular, but undoubtedly if I’m in a sexual harassment situation this is always part of it. They always want to know about my sex life. Not in the same way as a friend wants to know, but in that creepy way, where you know they’re storing it their head for use in a masturbation session later.

This time, I went to upper management. I was sick of being a sex object everywhere I worked, and sick of being undressed by the eyes of every male coworker in a five mile radius. I was sick of it all, and decided it was time to do something. Upper management, made up of a woman hater and a regular male, apologized profusely. It was a large corporation, and I’m sure the thought of a 19 year old girl suing over a 30 year old manager sexually harassing her was the last thing they wanted. What happened, you ask? Well, the manager that was harassing me was forced to apologize and cease the behavior or be terminated. I was told to come to them directly if anything happened again.

Personally, I don’t find that to be satisfactory. Luckily, he did stop after that, and quit shortly thereafter. What if he hadn’t? What if he retaliated and raped me in the parking lot after work? What if it had gotten worse, and I was forced to once again go before management with this situation? Women should not be put in such a place to have to face someone who has harassed them after the fact. If I could provide multiple witnesses, which I could, why is there a second chance for such behavior? Why give a sexual deviant the chance to make my work life miserable more so than has already been done?

One time, I was not hired for a job because of my looks. It was an all male company that did repairs for electronics. It was a small, family company, so Affirmative Action didn’t really apply. I was in desperate need of a job, and I had a male friend that worked there, so I figured he could get me in. They needed someone to do some filing and such, and while that’s not my normal line of work, I figured I would manage to do well enough at it to make it until something opened up in my field. I was told I couldn’t work there. When I asked why, I was told my looks would be a distraction to the male employees. They wouldn’t do any work, he said. Then he told me what would end up happening is that they would make lewd comments to me all day. Not only would I have likely been sexually harassed, but potentially harassed by not one male, but a group of them. Normally, I don’t like being discriminated against based on my gender or looks. After all the times I’ve been put through the wringer with sexual harassment, I’ve got to say I was pretty happy this guy was upfront and honest with me. It saved me what would have been yet another notch under my belt of uncomfortable work environments.

When I share these stories, I’m often told I should have sucked it up. I was being too weak or sensitive, apparently. Oddly enough, it’s my male friends that tell me these things. My female friends are more sympathetic, but not by a lot. Those that have been in similar situations feel my pain. Those that have not, seem almost jealous. It’s like we went to a bar and the attractive guy hit on me instead of her. Let me tell you, it’s not like that. Yes, I may not always say the most appropriate things. Yes, I’m sexually open and honest. Yes, I look and dress a certain way. That doesn’t give you the right to touch me, or assume that my love of sex means I want to have sex with every guy with a pulse.

For a long time, I felt like I deserved this harassment because of my clothes and the way I talked. As I’ve aged, I’ve learned that this is not the case. No matter what I look like, no matter how short my skirt may be on a Saturday night, no matter how foul my mouth is, I do not deserve harassment. I deserve to have a work environment as peaceful as everyone else.

If you find yourself in these situations, I urge you to speak up. Those that do this will continue to do so unless there are consequences. It’s not easy to go to HR or a manager and talk about it, but if you don’t, there’s no reason to assume the harassment will suddenly stop. In all the times it’s happened to me, the only thing that makes it stop is me quitting or making a report. You have the right to a safe work place. Make your voice heard to get one, and make sure management takes the right actions to make it stop.