There are people out there who can’t or won’t have penis in vagina intercourse, and sometimes the people who do have it simply want a change. Some of the reasons for avoiding penis in vagina intercourse are long term, such as being in a homosexual relationship, physical issues, or simply preference. Other reasons are more short-term and can range from temporary infections and injuries to menstrual bleeding, or simply wanting to avoid the contraception dance for a while. Even if penis in vagina intercourse is out of the question, though, that doesn’t mean sex has to be. There are a wide variety of alternative options available, and because I’ve made it my goal in life to experience everything that I can to the fullest extent of my ability, sex being one of them, I’m going to share my favorites with you.

The least intimidating option, I’ve found, is frottage. Dry humping tends to harken back to more innocent days, when time was scarce and there was always the risk of someone walking in. According to most of the people I’ve talked to, they stopped dry humping when they started having intercourse, I didn’t. I find that inventing new ways to rub up against my lover fully or partially clothed can be remarkably fun and spontaneous. We’ve practically made a ritual of doing it directly before bed, when we’re both wrapped up in our most comfortable pajamas and each other, and we generally tend to fall asleep somewhere in the middle. Frottage can be done in any position you can have sex in and in any state of dress or undress. Positions I’ve personally found to be particularly pleasant are doggy style, lotus position, and spooned. I’m not sure which positions would be best for same-sex couples or couples with different height configurations, however, so experimentation is key, and frankly half the fun.

Manual sex is another relatively non-threatening way to have sex. Stimulating your partner’s genitals or anus with your hands is not only an excellent way to bring pleasure, it’s also an excellent way to get more familiar with their body. Finding a female partner’s G-spot or a male partner’s prostate is considerably easier with dexterous fingers than it is with a dildo or a penis. Never forget the external genitalia, either, be it a penis or a vulva, they generally tend to feel good when rubbed. Speaking of rubbing, genital massage can be an excellent extension of manual sex. When giving a genital massage to a female bodied partner, apply a generous amount of warmed, body friendly lubricant to the vulva, then, beginning with the outer labia, gently knead and pull with your fingers across the entire area before moving to the inner labia to do the same, then if your partner is comfortable with it, you can finish by massaging the clitoris or by inserting your fingers into the vagina and massaging the inner walls. For some, this is a spiritual technique, but even if you aren’t spiritual, it feels pretty incredible. When performing a genital massage on a male-bodied partner, apply the lube to the penis and balls, then starting at either the head of the penis or at the balls, depending on your partner’s preference, gently knead and stroke your way across the area. If your partner is comfortable with it, you can also knead the perineum or massage the prostate. Of course, there are other techniques and methods for having manual sex, but once again, I’ll let you experiment for yourself and find out what works best for you.

The people I regularly talk to seem to consider mutual masturbation and manual sex to be the same thing, but I don’t. To me, mutual masturbation is a separate act and deserves a separate mention, even if just in passing. When two people stimulate their own genitals at the same time for mutual enjoyment, that’s mutual masturbation. Whether both partners are giving each other a show, or they have another motivation, there are dozens of reasons to masturbate together, and even more ways to do it. Just masturbate the way you normally would, be that with fingers, toys, or some other way.

One of the most popular ways to have sex, it seems, is oral sex. Oral sex can include sucking or licking your partner’s penis, labia, clitoris, or testes; penetrating their vagina with your tongue, or licking the anus. Using a condom or dental dam is a good way to reduce the risk of infection if you aren’t fluid bonded to your partner, or in the case of anal stimulation, with the tongue.

Next up is aural sex. Aural sex is, in essence, dirty talk, but it can be so much more than that. It extends to any type of mental sexual stimulation given by speaking. If both partners are capable of thinking-off — that is, orgasming through only mental stimulation– this can be an opportunity to explore that in depth with a partner by building an elaborate fantasy with your voices alone, and even if you can’t think-off, it can be paired beautifully with frottage, manual sex, or mutual masturbation. It doesn’t have to be simple, dirty things. You can describe in detail what you’d like to do to your partner, or even go back and forth and build the fantasy together. Aural sex can even extend to accents, if one or both partners has a fetish for a particular accent.

Sensation play, which could be considered the gentler side of BDSM by some, is another option for the more adventurous couple. A very basic sensation play kit might include a blindfold; light manacles; a folding lace fan; marbles; a square of velvet; a square of satin; a cocktail fork; leather or pleather gloves; a feather or a feather tickler; a glass or steel dildo; and a low melt or massage candle. The blindfold can be used to hinder sight, which will make your partner more aware of the other sensations they experience, and the manacles can be used to give the impression of helplessness. The fan can have a variety of uses, from fanning cool air over your partner’s skin to tracing the lace across their body, or even folded as a paddle. The marbles can be heated in warm water or cooled off in cold water for temperature play, or just rolled over the skin to give an interesting sensation. Just remember never to insert them anally. Likewise, glass and steel dildos lend themselves well to temperature play, and can also be heated or cooled, and they’re generally safe for insertion, as long as you’re certain they have a suitable base if you’re using them anally. Satin, velvet, leather, and feathers can all be used to caress and tease with different results. The cocktail fork can be dragged lightly over skin, just be careful not to press to hard, and don’t use it on the genitals. Low melt wax is good for wax play, just light the candle and allow some wax to melt, then drip it from a distance of about a foot onto your partner’s skin. You can experiment with different heights to get better results, as well. Always check with your partner before using any of these things on them, be sure they’re okay with it in advance. Not everyone likes every sensation, and not everyone is okay with being bound or blindfolded.

Aural sex can be combined with sensation play and roleplay to become a guided fantasy. In a guided fantasy one partner plays the role of a character and guides the other partner through the fantasy using words and sensations. You can glean ideas from erotica, romance novels, television, or your own head to build the fantasy you intend to act out. It helps to have your partner blindfolded and describe the scenery and events you want them to visualize. Asking questions can also be a good way to do this. For example, if the fantasy you’re acting out is a knight and their prince(ss), you might describe how you’re lifting them onto your “noble steed”, or ask them how your steed’s fur feels under their hand even if your noble steed in this case is the back of the couch. A floor fan can be used to give the impression of wind, a spritzer bottle the illusion of rain or surf. There are hundreds of possibilities you can come up with if you use your imagination.

Of course, one of the most notable alternatives to vaginal sex is anal sex. When done correctly, it’s pain free, and can even be extremely pleasurable. When attempting anal sex for the first time, it’s important to warm up with fingers or small toys first, and always use way more lube than you think you’ll need. Be patient, it can take months to work up to a penis or a larger dildo. Always remember, pleasure is more important than haste. When first attempting to insert a finger or small toy, relax your muscles and keep your breathing even. If you’ve used enough lube, and you stay relaxed, it should feel good. I personally prefer water based lubes, although both water based and silicone lubes are good for anal. Thicker lubes that stay where they’re put are preferable to thinner lubes that may not do the job, and numbing lubes are an absolute no go. Pain is there to let you know something is wrong. If it hurts, stop and figure out what’s wrong.

Good luck experimenting in the brave new world of alternate sexual activities. I hope I’ve managed to spice up your bedroom if nothing else, and remember, not all of these activities are to everyone’s tastes. If you or your partner don’t enjoy something, don’t try to force it to work for you. What does catch your interest can always be expanded upon, so don’t be afraid to do research and find further reading on anything I’ve mentioned. There are a lot of great resources that go into much more depth than I have. So go out there and have fun experimenting.