I have a lot of questions. I think if asked every question I had, SirX would have to start limiting the number of questions I can ask every day.  Most often my questions would fall under the categories: Can I do this? Did you like that I did that? What do you think of me?

Looking at these questions, I think, oh no, it’s all about me. Shouldn’t I be asking things like, “How can I serve you better?” oh crap- another *I* question. Geez girl, you must be the most selfish slave ever- all you think about is yourself- surely you must be doing it wrong.

In the class I spoke of in my past article, the instructor commented on her slave saying, “Did you see how nicely I ironed and folded you pants Mistress?” eagerly holding them up, to which she responded by smacking the pants to the floor and saying something along the lines of, “Yup!”

What I got from this, is that a slave should not draw attention to their service. Wow… the attention whore in me is already aching from that sentence. Last night I wrote something that directly pertained to my relationship with Sir, and how I feel about it. I posted it online, and then proceeded to say, “I wrote [this] Sir, did you see it?” He did not reply to my question. I feel that this is probably the same as the smacking the ironed, folded pants to the floor. Sigh.

My mind raced for a while after we stopped talking, and I thought maybe I should not have said that. Maybe I should have checked with him before I said those things about our relationship. What if he doesn’t want people to know about me. (yes, I really thought that!) And Oh no, I did that thing where I drew the attention to myself, and am asking him to validate me. Again!! Crap. crapcrapcrap.

Of COURSE he saw it. He watches me. He sees everything, oddly, but doesn’t point everything out. If he had a problem with it, he’d have said so. However here I am with another- you guessed it- question. It’s an *I* question. But that’s no shocker there now, is it?

So how do I go about NOT drawing attention to my service when I want to be noticed for it? I want to say, “Look what I did, aren’t you pleased with me?” Furthermore, I want him to say, “Oh Peanut, that is the most flat and perfectly folded pair of pants I have ever seen!!!”

That’s not right, is it?

It’s like when my cat kills something and leaves it for me to see. She looks up at me with those big eyes that say, “Mama- here! Now love me!” She’s a cat, that’s what cat’s DO. It’s not as if she can do much else, the lack of opposable thumbs and all. She does what is in her nature to do; she kills things, brings them to her owner, and presents them, wanting a good scratch behind the ears and some assurance that she’s the best kitty ever. It’s a gift, it’s her way of saying, this is what I can DO for you, so here… ta-dahhh… here’s a dead bird!  However, what do I do when she brings me dead things? I scream. I freak out, get pissed off and irritated. This is not something I ever asked of her. I didn’t teach her how to catch birds. Stupid cat, why are you bringing dead things into the house?? I take care of you and this is how you repay me? The cat, of course, can’t understand why I’m so irritated when she brings the dead bird in the house.

My service should not be akin to laying a dead bird on his feet. It is in the cat’s nature to do such things. I feel service is in my nature, but it’s a choice to give this to him. Service is a choice. I do it because it pleases me to please him, and I am grateful for the internal strength and confidence I get in doing things well. I need to remember that when I am asking him for needless validation. SirX does not need dead birds. We are in this relationship because he knows that I want to serve him. We have discussed this at length.
This, I suppose, is what training is for. If I want to present him with neatly ironed and folded pants, you can be sure that he has already taught me the exact way that he wants his pants ironed and folded. Once mastered, there is probably no question in his mind that I will do it exactly the way he has taught me, every single time.

Why do I need special points for doing it right?

This is the faith he has is me. He has faith that I will do correctly what he has taught me to do. He did not choose me because I serve- I serve because he chose me. I need to simply take pride in my role, do things as instructed, and know that he appreciates me for it.
I think I also need to stop letting my cat go outside.