Self-deprivation. A word (or two words) that can really conjure a lot of different ideas. Basically it means depriving oneself of something. I have come to realize that I’ve been doing this to myself. Depriving myself of things which I want and enjoy, and some of which I know how to, and thus can, enjoy in moderation (such as drinking alcohol) lead me to over-indulge in other things. I was thus letting bad habits reign free, which was then keeping me from letting go of the bad habits and forming new, healthy ones in their place.

I saw the truth of a lot of it; I was not allowing myself alone time, to pamper myself. I was almost never masturbating, resulting in a lot of sexual frustration, insecurity and stress. I was also not allowing myself to have minor indulgences in trying new liquors, which is a hobby the boyfriend and I enjoy together. All this resulted in me over-indulging in soda and junk food, having almost no sex with my boyfriend, and altogether having several crappy months.

Seeing these things, I’m now able to slowly make the changes needed for me to live healthier and happier. It’s as if I didn’t have any will power or self control left with which to control the urges that needed to be controlled. Now that I have some of that will power/self control back I’m seeing almost immediate results. I’m able to enjoy flirting and sexy play with my boyfriend again. I’m masturbating more, my eating is healthier, and all around I’m happier and less stressed.

I wish I knew why and/or how it happened. At least I’ve experienced it all now so if it begins again I will notice some of what’s going on and can hopefully put a stop to it. I also wonder what triggered it. Since I’m currently unaware of the triggers, I don’t know what things/situations might instigate me depriving myself of the wrong things again.

Life isn’t all about rules and obligations. In the society we currently live, we need to have stress releases, hobbies that we enjoy, and things that encourage and challenge us and make us happy.