When I first started in this BDSM lifestyle, everybody was telling me to be safe, to only play with those that have references, and essentially bombarded me. I spent weeks, and possibly months, reading article after article about how to play without being hurt. I learned there are several places you should never hit or cause trauma to, that you absolutely need aftercare, and that you absolutely, without a doubt, need a safe word. Then, I’d close the window and find another site that said the exact opposite of the previous one. I learned nothing. My learning process started when I found blogs, intensified when I found my first “master,” and continues to this day with my owner.

These information inconsistencies are well known. My point is that there is an aspect of being owned and living this lifestyle 24/7 that nobody tells you about at first. There’s a dangerous aspect that nobody discusses with new subs, and it can be downright terrifying and wondrous. When you are owned, (and I am going by what has happened to me and those I know) your master has access to every single inch of your mind and body, and he changes it as he sees fit.

Let that sink in.

It sounds absolutely ridiculous, right? Somebody cannot change the way you think, the way you function; you’re your own person after all. To an extent you’re right, mostly though… it’s wrong. When you’re owned you’re OWNED. You may get say in things and be able to do all the things you used to, but you are owned, and to MOST people that means you aren’t your own person anymore. That? Is the trivial definition part. The important part here takes months, years, and decades to accomplish.

To me, the dangerous part of BDSM has nothing to do with physical play, and has everything to do with emotional and mental safety. It took years, but eventually my owner tore down every wall I had, one brick at a time. I still have those walls, he simply replaced each brick he took down and walled himself in. Everything I am, do, think or say he knows, listens and manipulates as he sees fit. That’s just my reality. The scary part is when he no longer needs to correct me, to sit and tweak things I do or say to his liking. The scary part is that I’ve been consumed so thoroughly, that I have internalized his ownership, his wants, and his wishes that I now do them on my own. I’ve always eaten fairly well, but for months now I’ve been eating even healthier, consuming a lot more veggies than anything else. I don’t spend entire days curled up playing on my computer or reading like I used to. I go out and I accomplish things. He and I aren’t living together, but I’m cooking like we are. He doesn’t like hot spicy food; I’ve pulled way back on it even though I love it. I’ve been cleaning a lot more, making lunches and breakfasts, and getting up early, in anticipation for when I do move in with him.

All of those things can be shrugged off as a good influence, as a traditional woman adapting to the life of her man. Where it gets fucking freaky? I talk to him. In my head. I have actually had arguments with him in my head where he has won. I used to eat a lot at night (I suspect somewhere in me I have an eating disorder) but I’ve stopped. One night I got out of bed and put something in the microwave. I walked from the microwave to the living room window, and in that short space of time all I could hear in my head was his voice. How he would be disappointed, and how he knew I was better than this, and I wasn’t hungry, that I should go to bed and go to sleep. That is exactly what I did. I just comply.

Lately, I’ve found myself being very uncomfortable when we aren’t talking for hours and days on end. I get upset, yes, but I literally mean I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I’m a lot more critical of myself as a whole when he isn’t around. I don’t function quite as well, either. I get nervous and panicky in social situations when I’m crowded in, or would usually be uncomfortable. It’s like everything is intensified. Recently I had a mini panic attack when I couldn’t get a hold of him and I was at a family gathering. It felt strange and foreign, and the closer people got, and the more boxed in I felt, the more I wanted to freak out and scream. But as soon as I heard from him, I suddenly and instantly calmed down. We’ve known each other a long time; he’s dug in my head and been there through everything, and he’s become home.

While it’s happening, there are generally only two responses. Either the sub gets scared and lashes out, tries to run, just generally freaks out at the fear of being swallowed up, OR they just accept it and embrace it. I? Embraced it. I never once really fought it; the closer we got, the better and happier I was. It felt natural to both of us, and was just a progression in our relationship. I got really lucky. I know there are a lot of people who don’t think being this entwined and devoted to somebody is healthy. Even some of my closest friends don’t agree with how he and I function. I’ve even had somebody tell me that he sees a sub as devoted and dependant as me as useless and pointless. I’ve accepted that though, and I don’t quite care. Relationships with this strong of a connection aren’t common. They’re rare to find, and unless you’ve been in one you can’t understand it.

Once the dominant is in your head to the point where you are absolutely enslaved to them, if they leave it takes a lot out of you. It would be devastating, and something that you may never really recover from. I’ve seen subs completely fall apart when their owner leaves. They forget how to function, how to take care of themselves.

You can only let somebody in as deep as you’re willing to be hurt. I am well aware that my owner does have the potential to destroy me. I’ll live on, and I’ll recover some, but I wont be the same. I have weighed the risks and decided that we are worth it. I love the relationship that we have and wouldn’t trade it for anything.

There are so many subs that just fall into this and don’t realize the risk they’re taking when a relationship like this gets to that point. We teach them about after care and the dangers of blood play. We warn them about false dominants, but what about the real dominants, the dominant they were meant to be with that can destroy them with one word? We never warn them about those dangers, because we ourselves don’t want to think about it.