I won’t lie to you, my Doctor considers Sigel and I to be  living a moderate risk lifestyle. While he says moderate what he means in his heart of hearts is unnecessarily risky lifestyle. There are risks beyond the jealousy demon that people focus on when you invite people into your bedroom. More than your relationship is at stake when you decide that you have an itch you want to scratch. While morning after regret is a really horrible and almost inevitable it is nothing compared to wondering if that little bump is razor burn or herpes!

Most people seem more worried about falling in love with someone other than their partner but they don’t even consider that they could be responsible for killing their partner with improper idea about a swinging lifestyle. Polyamory isn’t about having lots and lots of sex anymore than monogamy means you have strict vanilla sex in the dark for procreation only! An open marriage doesn’t mean anything goes anymore than a closed marriage means you don’t have sex but once or twice a year. So let’s dispense with the lies, myths, and misconceptions; shall we?

What should you do first if you are considering opening your marriage to something beyond monogamy? Even before you wander in to your partner to drop this bombshell on them you should educate yourself about the REAL risks of whatever lifestyle you are contemplating. Visit your Doctor and get a full physical, understand that STDs are considered of no concern to monogamous couples even by medical personnel, this is a dangerous assumption that has lead to many diseases not being caught during the early stages when treatment may be as simple as a single penicillin shot! The sad fact is you don’t ever know if your partner is cheating on you, I don’t care how ‘tight’ your relationship is or how you watch them suspiciously, you are never 100% certain your partner isn’t stepping out. There is nothing wrong with trusting your partner but verifying your health status! Some STDs can hide away in the body for years only to devastate your life later, it’s just good common sense.

When you go to the Doctor for a health screening you should specify that you want to be tested for any and all STDs and you’d like to discuss your risks. As long as your doctor knows what you are planning or what you are doing he/she can work with you to devise a plan to keep you as risk free as possible. Plan to be tested at least once a year if you are monogamous and twice to four times a year depending on your risk factors. Make getting tested simply a part of your health regimen and you cut your risk factor down by an amazing degree. It’s like those mammograms you do; yes they are slightly painful and even embarrassing but you do it to prevent losing a breast or your life! The most important thing you can do for yourself if you want more than one fluid bonded partner is keep yourself disease free!

The next thing you will want to do if you are contemplating opening your relationship is make sure your partner is 100% on board for the WHOLE lifestyle. This means being willing to do things like demand to see the latest results of a potential playmate’s health screenings. You and your partner must be able and willing to discuss any potential playmate’s sexual health and their risk factors. How often is this person’s getting themselves tested? Do they regularly go to the doctor’s office? The dentist? Remember that gingivitis is an inflammation of the tissues in the mouth and poor dental hygiene can be a vector for viruses and bacteria to enter the body. You need to know and if possible meet any person they are currently in a sexual relationship with, and you have to be prepared to ask them all the same embarrassing questions. You have to be willing to answer them as well. This is important even if you plan to use every safer sex barrier known to man!

If you are planning to attend a swing club then choose one with an in depth screening process that includes documentation about your sexual health. You can be reasonably sure that they are asking everyone the same information. Be very clear on what the club’s rules are about bringing friends or dates, if possible you want a club that is closed to outsiders and that checks ID. When you visit the club there should be condoms, gloves, dental dams and good quality water based lube available and in plain sight. There should, preferably be rooms with locking doors available for patrons to have sex in. These rooms should have all sheets and blankets changed after a group leaves the room. The atmosphere should be relaxed and friendly, not tense and scary. The music should be low enough to clearly hear conversation, one should be able to say no and be clearly heard!

If you choose a partner to play with and you have done all your homework, what then? Remember that some viruses hide in the body for years so always assume that even with a clean screening you should use barriers. You should have on hand: several styles of non-sheepskin condoms (sheepskin prevents pregnancy but not viral/bacterial transmission), good quality lube that is condom safe and you have used before (you don’t want a nasty reaction to your lube while on a date), dental damns, full hand gloves or finger cots, and possibly toy condoms should you decide to share some of your favorites. Do not brush your teeth just before he date if you have a tendency to bleed. You don’t want cuts in your mouth should the condom or dam break. Brushing in the morning or at lunch time, depending on when your ‘date’ is will be perfectly fine. If you are worried about your breath then get some breath freshening sugar free gum.

Pay special attention to your partner as you are having sex. Are they clean and fresh smelling? Is her vagina clean smelling and free of any odd bumps, sores, pimples, and odd patches of redness? Is his penis clean smelling and free of the same bumps, sores, pimples and red patches? Is the head of his penis free of irritation? This is why putting on your own condoms and placing your own dental dam is important! If you see anything you are concerned about then feel free to ask your partner, if they get irritated or rude then it’s probably time to politely leave.

The most important thing you need to do before ‘convincing’ your partner to have a threesome or open your relationship is to educate yourself! You need to know what the symptoms of venereal disease are, what venereal diseases are prevalent in your area and what the best ways to protect yourself and your partner from them. You need to know what treatments are available and where to go/what to do if you should think you have been exposed. You need to be aware of the risk factors involved in all sex practices and decide, based on your research what risks you are willing to take.

For instance: the riskiest sex you can have is unprotected anal sex, giving or receiving! Viruses and some bacteria are small enough to be absorbed easily through the walls of the intestines directly into your bloodstream. A condom, used properly can cut your risk down significantly.

The next riskiest sexual behavior is unprotected vaginal sex, giving or receiving. The tissues of the vagina are thin and absorb nearly as well as the intestines. Viruses and bacteria can be shed through the vagina, and seminal fluid stays in the vagina for quite a long time increasing the risk that these same viruses and bacteria will be absorbed. Douching can force seminal fluid higher into the body where the tissues are even thinner increasing the risk rather than decreasing it. A condom can cut your risk down significantly.

Blood play is sometimes listed as the next riskiest sexual practice, and sometimes the act of cutting the skin is listed as the riskiest sexual practice for obvious reasons. This includes vampiric sucking of blood, flogging until the skin breaks, basically any act that causes you to bleed during sex is highly risky. Blood play is one area where one is at significant risk without a barrier to protect ones self. The use of antibacterial spray or an alcohol pad can reduce the risk as can careful handling of the blood. This is an area of play that you had better be sure you know your partner is clean!

Oral sex without protection is a low risk practice but it can lead to the passing of STDs. Cuts in your mouth from vigorous brushing is a major culprit but extreme gingivitis is another risk factor. Anytime the mouth is inflamed or the integrity of the gums is challenged you risk viruses and bacteria entering the bloodstream. Oral herpes can be spread to the genitals and surrounding area should the virus be shed in an area where it can enter the body. Though rare it has been known to happen! A condom and/or dental dam can significantly reduce the risks of oral sex.

Finally we have hand to genital contact which is a risk if the cuticles of the fingers are not intact, inflamed, or bleeding. Fingernail biters know what I mean! The hands get cut fairly often and while the risk is fairly low compared to the other sexual practices it’s still a risk. A latex glove, or other examination type medical glove can significantly reduce the risks associated with this sex practice.

Ejaculation on the unbroken skin of your partner, giving ‘facials’, or allowing the ejaculate to land on bedding is still risky as it can be passed into a mucous membrane. Again a condom will reduce this risk.

Toys can also be a risk factor for STDs and yeast infection or bacterial vaginosis. Some kinds of materials can increase these risks because of their incredible porosity but using a condom, properly, over ALL shared toys can completely eliminate the risk! Just because your lover uses a silicone penis doesn’t mean you cannot get sick from it.

As you can see the decision to open a monogamous relationship is a serious one that involves more than good communication and knowing how to deal with jealousy. While the risks of open relationships and multiple partners is significant you can reduce your risk and maintain your health easily with responsible health maintenance and proper safe sex practices. Education is the key; learn your risks, learn how to properly use barriers such as condoms and dams, and get tested often.

On December 1st we pause to remember all who have passed or are currently living with HIV/AIDS, let’s also remember that we have a responsibility to ourselves to reduce our risk of adding to those numbers. Forget the myths and shaming behaviors and deal in reality. Enjoy sex, and I mean REALLY enjoy sex; alone, with one special partner, or with many special partners. There is nothing wrong with enjoying sex with multiple people but there is definitely something wrong with not being responsible for your own health. Responsible non-monogamy is possible and can be very safe, the responsibility for this lies in you.

Written by: Airen on December 3, 2010.