Red Flags of an Abusive Partner: Part I

Many people are interested in ways they can predict whether they are about to become involved with someone who will be abusive. There are red flags of potential batterers, if you know what kinds of behaviors and patterns to look for. Some of them are more obvious than others. For a full list of warning signs, you can go here. What I want to talk about are some of the less obvious ones; the subtle signs that this person may turn out to be an abuser that are easy to miss or excuse away. If a person exhibits several of these (and some of the others on that list) behaviors, say, three or more, there is strong potential for physical violence. The more signs a person has, the more likely the person is a batterer. In some cases, a batterer may have only a few behaviors that a partner can recognize, but they are very exaggerated. And a lot of these behaviors can seem flattering at first, and in small doses. As time goes on, the behaviors become more severe and serve to dominate and control the partner. Remember, abuse is about power and control, and the purpose of all abusive behaviors is to gain and maintain power and control over you.

I would like to offer a disclaimer, however, that just because someone has some of these characteristics DOES NOT mean that they will definitely be a batterer. And you can’t always predict when someone will be abusive. These are just traits and characteristics that have been found to be correlated with people who batter their partners.

JEALOUSY. An abuser may say that jealousy is a sign of love, especially at the beginning of a relationship. But jealousy has nothing to do with love. It is a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. Jealousy starts out subtle, but progresses as the relationship moves forward. Everyone experiences small amounts of jealousy; it’s a normal and natural feeling. But how the jealousy is handled and the degree to which someone experiences it is what matters. Extreme jealousy is always unhealthy, and it’s always important to ask yourself what it says about a person, or about your relationship, if your partner feels the need to be jealous to extreme lengths. It’s also important to remember that jealous feelings are different than jealous behaviors. Again, it’s natural to feel jealousy, but acting on that jealousy is a sign of a distrustful and controlling person. Remember that someone can be crazy about you without acting jealously and possessively, and that your social life shouldn’t have to change because of your partner’s insecurities.

CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR. This is another kind of behavior that starts slowly and gradually progresses. At first, the batterer may try to justify this behavior, citing it as being due to concern about you in some way. The abuser will be angry if their partner is “late” coming back from the store or an appointment; they will question them closely about where they went and who they talked with, and may even time you down to the minute or check the mileage on the car. As this behavior progresses, the batterer may not let you make personal decisions about the house, your clothing, or even going to church. However, this starts with “innocent” comments like, “Oh, I really wish you would wear that yellow dress. It looks so good on you.” They may keep all the money or even make you ask permission to leave the house. Towards the beginning of a relationship, they may call or “check in” on you often and excessively. This is another sign of distrust and jealousy.

QUICK INVOLVEMENT. This one is a biggie, and one that often goes unnoticed as a negative or potentially dangerous thing. Many battered individuals dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were married, engaged, living together, or pregnant (when I run my DV education group, I always ask for a show of hands as to how many people in the room this is true for; almost every hand in the room goes up every time I ask the question). The relationship seems like a whirlwind, and a batterer may make grandiose claims like, “I’ve never been loved like this by anyone.” They will pressure you to commit to the relationship quickly, and may use guilt if you express hesitation, by saying things like, “What, don’t you love me?” An abuser wants commitment and involvement quickly so that they’ve “caught” you before you have a chance to see the abuser’s true colors. And once those scary and abusive behaviors start to show, you are (or at least feel) trapped and unable to leave. In heterosexual relationships, this can also be done through something called “reproductive coercion.”  This involves removing the condom during sex, poking holes in a condom, flushing a partner’s birth control, or other methods to hopefully cause the woman to become pregnant, thereby “trapping” her in the relationship. It’s also worth noting that the “passion” referred to at the beginning of these relationships can very easily be flipped on it’s head into dangerous passion and explosiveness.

UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS. This is another one that may start off appearing to be a positive thing, but really is anything but. Be wary of the person that puts you on a pedestal, or sees you as the “perfect partner.” This person is not seeing you as a person; they’re seeing you as the fantasy they have in their mind, and no one can live up to a fantasy. Part of this may involve the expectation that you will meet all of their needs. But these expectations will NEVER be met, because they’re impossible for anyone to meet. No one can be expected to work full-time, keep the house clean, have the laundry done, take care of the kids, have dinner on the table every night, be an attentive spouse, want to have crazy, kinky, passionate sex every night, and look like a supermodel while doing so. It’s just not possible. This person will always find something to complain about, or make you feel like you’re never satisfying their needs, because their needs are completely unrealistic. No one can be everything to someone.

ISOLATION. This is another huge one that starts off very slowly and very subtly. The abusive person tries to cut you off from all resources. For example (in a heterosexual pairing), if she has male friends, she’s a “whore.” If she has women friends, she’s a lesbian. If she’s close to family, she’s “unable to cut the umbilical cord.” The abuser accuses people who are your supports of “causing trouble.” They may want to live in the country, without a telephone, or refuse to let you drive the car, or they may try to prevent you from working or going to school (these things serve to help you further your independence, which is the last thing an abuser wants. They more independence and resources you have, the less control an abuser has over you). A batterer may insist on moving far away from everyone you know and then prevent you from making friends in the area. This starts slowly. At the beginning of the relationship, it’s with subtle comments, such as, “I don’t think that friend of yours, Jane, likes me very much. She’s always trying to cause problems,“ which results in you spending less time with Jane. Or, when you’ve been spending 24/7 with your partner and you’ve made plans with your friends, an abuser may subtly and “sweetly” try to guilt you into being with them instead, by saying things like, “Aw, I was kind of hoping to spend some time with you tonight! I already bought two movies and stuff to make dinner. You’re not going to leave me hanging, are you?“

BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS AND/OR FEELINGS. This one is harder to spot, especially when it comes to blaming others, specifically you, for their feelings. If they are chronically unemployed, they may say that someone is always doing them wrong or out to get them. If they get in trouble at work, it was because their coworker made a mistake, or because you upset them before they left for work in the morning and they were distracted all day. As the relationship progresses, the target of that blame will increasingly shift from other people (boss, friend, cashier at the store) to you. They may tell you that you are at fault for virtually anything that goes wrong in their life. They never take responsibility for their role in their misfortunes or mistakes. The abuser may tell you “you make me mad,” “you’re hurting me by not doing what I want you to do,” or “I can’t help being angry” (because YOU or SOMEONE ELSE did X, Y, or Z). But remember, they are the one who makes the decision about what they think or feel, but they’re using these feelings to manipulate you. Harder to catch are things like, “you make me happy,” or “you control how I feel.” There is a huge difference between “You make me mad,” and “I feel mad because…” Also, “You make me happy,” is different from, “I’m so happy when I’m with you.”

To be continued in part 2…