During my sophomore year of college, I began to encounter many more queer people than I had ever met in my pre-university days. These people were totally open and comfortable about their sexualities and non-cis identities. I felt so empowered by these people that I—ohmigosh!—came out to them. I started cross dressing often, and packing, and overall changing my appearance to match that of my “inner self”. I was on a huge power trip, and went from appearing totally cis myself to undeniably queer, which of course, there is nothing wrong with, except the fact that I threw away and hated my femininity.

Not only was it very unhealthy for my long term relationship to do that, but it also really hurt me. The excitement and love I felt from being out with my friends, gave me such a high that I was losing sight of who I really was and what queer really means. I was building my new identity upon a sexism that was hurting me by attempting to prove that those things didn’t apply to the new, masculinized me. But this masculine identity was also based on the very gender binary that had troubled me so. Although I had good intentions, it ended up to be completely backward thinking.

Over time, I came to realize the dead end street I was on. I was continuously frustrated about sexism and my own gender, and even my sexuality. I slowly stopped cross dressing and worrying myself about these issues, having seen that they were a major stressor in my life. I then decided to go the complete opposite way. I was exploring and searching out the type of material femininity you see in magazines. I always liked cute things and the color pink. (Neither of which are exclusive to femininity!) I began feeling a lot more confident about the skin I was in, and took pleasure in the simple things instead of constantly being so extreme and opinionated.

Now, I’m coming closer and closer to that middle road. I threw out most of my cross dressing “equipment”. I grew my hair out. I stopped pressuring my cis partner to have sex that he wasn’t comfortable with. I stopped hating my female anatomy, in favor of enjoying what I have and cannot change. A little over a year ago, I despised queers that “turned cis” or “gave up their battle”. I’ve come to understand, though, that not everyone goes about being queer and supporting it in the same way, which is what makes queerdom so awesome. Am I a woman? Absolutely. In the conventional, American sense? Absolutely not. And I’m cool with that now.

At the end of the day being queer isn’t about pushing away one thing for another. Even if you’ve faced unjust sexism, that’s more reason to just be who you are. There’s no need to fit in some predefined box of what it means to be queer, transperson, gay, bisexual, and so on. Be the real you who obscures those absurd social lines without turning into something you’re not.