Ah, cities. The clamor, the crowds…the kink…

Not that small towns are exempt from sexual fetishes from the mild to the perverse, or general rampant horniness for that matter, but certainly cities lend a certain grandeur (or raw raunchiness…or both) to their sexual offerings and idiosyncrasies. New York. London. Berlin. Hong Kong. Amsterdam. Bangkok. Singapore. Tokyo.

This city/kink tradition goes back a long way. Really long. Biblically long.

If you came up in life through any kind of Judeo-Christian faith (or spend time in or near a culture largely dominated by that religious tradition), you’ve heard something about the “Whore of Babylon”, or Babylon itself being a kind of spiritual and/or carnal “whore” symbolically. More graphically and less symbolically, you have the divine demolition project that was laid down on Sodom and Gomorrah. Giving “twin cities” a bad name at the time (Minneapolis and St. Paul in Minnesota helped improve that reputation greatly in more recent decades), these two cities were neighbors with a taste for, apparently, rape gangs in the street looking for tourists or new arrivals on whom to perform lewd and degenerate sex acts—with or without permission—and God knows what else.

Now, we’ll never know the full depth of sexual kink and perhaps outright perversion these two cities endorsed, but at least we do get the term “sodomy,” which of course usually means anal sex, from the city of Sodom.

What troubles me is that God struck down BOTH cities in a fiery maelstrom of spiritual fury, so Gomorrah must have been doing stuff at least as bad as Sodom was. The fact we don’t have a sexual act named after Gomorrah kind of scares me. Given how much incest, killing people for their sexy wives, rape, and other soap opera-worthy sexual activity is chronicled in the Bible, I have to wonder why we never got a sex act out of Gomorrah’s particular tastes.

I mean, what could be so awful that God would destroy the city over it, and the writers of the Bible would be too squeamish to ever hint at what it was and give us a term like Gomorrahdy?

Maybe it involved taking a donkey’s head up your ass while you licked pig slop from between a temple prostitute’s tits.

But in honor of the great tradition started by Sodom, I thought I’d share with you some sex acts, some of them pretty fucking perverse even by my open-minded standards, that are named after cities—in a couple cases, the name is actually based on a state or a country, but I’m sure you can forgive me.

Or maybe you won’t, because right now, many of you are thinking, “What kind of sick fuck would even go to all this trouble to research kinky shit named after large population centers?”

First off, I’M that sick fuck. Have some compassion; please don’t hurt my feelings.

Secondly, and on a more serious note, I didn’t mean to. I was actually on an insult generator site a couple days ago, and it created an insult with the term “Cleveland steamer” in it. Curious, I did an online search, and still haven’t applied enough brain bleach to get the image out of my head. Then another insult generated by the website provided the term “Boston George” and, not having apparently learned my lesson, I did a search for that as well. Then I got the idea to dig deeper and see if I had an Eden Cafe article I could produce on such a theme.

Now there isn’t enough brain bleach in the world to save my sanity, and I’m going to pass the madness along to all of you. Admittedly, some of these sex acts aren’t all that gross, but I’m telling you, they’re gonna get grosser as this article progresses, so if you’re the squeamish type, run while you can (I’ll give you advance warning before it gets too bad).

If you’re the curious type, like me, keep reading. Then get back to me later, and I’ll let you know where to get a good deal on brain bleach—in bulk quantities.

Shanghai Shampoo

I thought that I’d start with some international flair and something very tame. This act is, quite simply, working up a large load of semen (ideally, though I guess the actual volume of spunk doesn’t matter all that much) and then releasing it into the hair of your sexual partner. Not all that gross by kink standards, and it keeps folks like Prell and Suave in business. Doubt I’ll do it myself, but I approve in principle.

Boston Cooler

Boston yielded three sex acts; this is the first of them. Go figure. I’ve been to Boston. Doesn’t seem like that kinky of a place, frankly. Anyway, the Boston Cooler is apparently any form of oral stimulation during which you have ice cubes in your mouth, so that you can give your partner some chilly stimulation—often with no prior warning.

Boston Crab

This seems to be based on some kind of wrestling maneuver, and sounds to me like an anti-69, or maybe a Bizarro World version of the 69. In any case, the woman would be on her belly on the bed (or wherever) and her sexual partner would be above her, hunched over her and facing her feet, then pulling her legs up and eating her out—vaginally in most cases, though I suppose it could go anal as well with a rimjob. I’m not sure if it’s anatomically possible for a man to be on the bottom and have this done to him, given the angle of the erect penis, but I’m sure one could do a teabag version of the Boston Crab and suck on the testicles.

Boston George

Rounding out the trio of Boston-named sex acts is one that just sounds really fucking uncomfortable, and probably way unsanitary. It is named after George Jung, aka “Boston George,” who was a big-time cocaine supplier to the U.S. market in the 1970s and 1980s. In keeping with the cocaine theme, and snorting, apparently the sexualized form of Boston George is the act of ejaculating up your sex partner’s nose, followed by that person snorting the cum. All I can say is that as a young man, I read a “Penthouse Letter” (or maybe it was a “Hustler Forum” letter) in which a guy ejaculated up a woman’s nose, and that image haunts me to this day—and there was no subsequent snorting of the jizz in that story. Ick.

Cincinnati Bow Tie

Getting to something a little less gross (to me—hey, if you like a Boston George, I’m not going to judge you, but I’ll steer clear), we have the Cincinnati Bow Tie, which is best described as “backwards tit-fucking.” So, you’d be straddling the woman’s face or neck, your penis pointed downward toward her legs, and your balls form the “bow tie” on her neck. Supposedly, this act is so named because they do things backward in Cincinnati.

Jersey Meat-Hook

There are two variations of descriptions of this act, both involving a finger being curved into a hook shape, and both involving the asshole. The tamer one is to simply insert your finger into the ass of the woman you are having sex with—ideally in doggie style position for this maneuver—and then you feel around for her cervix and stimulate it via her ass while you fuck her. In the more extreme version of this act, you definitely do it doggie style, but the index or middle finger (or maybe multiple fingers) are inserted into the anus not to stimulate the cervix but to physically lift the woman up and down on your cock or strap-on. By the way: No, I haven’t violated my “city name” theme yet—Jersey can be a city as well as a state.

Arabian Goggles

Sort of similar in theme to the Cincinnati Bow Tie, the Arabian Goggles act involves placing your testicles over your sex partner’s eyes while receiving fellatio. So, your ass would be on the person’s forehead while your dick is in that person’s mouth. I’m not sure this is possible for most people, as the penis isn’t that flexible. No doubt you’d need a really long dick or some really long and low-hanging ball sack on you. This, astute readers will notice, is my first deviation from a city-based name to a whole country or state. It’s also the last of the fairly tame kinky acts. They’re gonna get gross from here on out, and keep getting grosser for a while.

Puerto Rican Fog Bank

Yeah, another nation-named act instead of a city—it’ll be the last time I do that, though one other item down the way has the name of a U.S. state. Anyway, this involves farting into your sex partner’s face while receiving oral pleasure from said partner. And folks, if you haven’t been heeding my warnings thus far, it only gets more scatological from here on. And then some.

Pasadena Mudslide

This can be as “innocent” as accidentally leaving a brown smear during tit-fucking or straddling a partner’s neck or chest to receive oral sex—because you don’t know how to wipe properly or experienced a “juicy fart”—or it can be actually defecating, on purpose, on the person’s chest or neck during tit-fucking or oral. Most definitions suggest that shit just happened (so to speak) and you simply kept going because it felt too good to stop over a little crap.

Pittsburgh Platter

OK, so apparently the folks in Pittsburgh said to themselves (sticking up their noses in the general direction of Pasadena, Calif.), “Well, leaving a stain on a person’s chest by accident or taking a dump on their torso on purpose is all well and good, but let’s make it into more of an up close and personal interactive visual art form.” So, what we get is a situation where one person shits on a glass table, while the other person, underneath the table, watches the whole process—presumably both getting off on the experience for slightly different reasons. I’m sure masturbation is often involved. Cleanup is actually pretty easy. Who knew Pittsburgh was into “art kink” and had a neat streak?

Cleveland Steamer

So, I guess the folks in Cleveland said to themselves (after making fun of their fellow Ohio residents in Cincinnati for being too vanilla for the “bow tie” thing), “The folks in Pittsburgh are too fucking prim and tidy, and the folks in Pasadena aren’t nearly committed enough to shitting on people.” Thus was born the Cleveland Steamer, wherein you not only defecate on your partner, but then gleefully grind your ass or dick into the mess and smear it all around. If the shitter is a man and the shittee is a woman, I guess the crap becomes a sort of stinky, thick, possibly lumpy lube for tit-fucking and if you’re not sliding in between the breasts, I guess the two of you are reveling in the sheer texture and ripe scent—and smearing the substance flat like a steamroller (hence the “steamer” part of the name)—because it just feels right. More power to you, but I’m grossed out myself.

Alabama Hot Pocket

After witnessing the Pasadena, Pittsburgh and Cleveland contingents and finding them wanting, the good folks in Alabama (yes, I know it’s a state, not a city) said to all those scat-loving folks, “Y’all are a fuckin’ bunch of pussies!” Taking scat to levels that one can only imagine one reaches with copious amount of meth, crank and moonshine in your system, whomever created this move decided that if shit comes out one hole, why not put it in another? Now, I know some people like to eat shit (literally), and I KINDA get that (frankly, piss is as far as I go personally), but that’s NOT the hole I’m talking about. With an Alabama Hot Pocket, a guy (or perhaps a strap-on equipped woman) actually shits into a woman’s vagina and then fucks that pussy while it is filled with a steam pile of poop. Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t think any fetish sex act can top that for the combination of edgy AND unhygienic. Frankly, even if I was into scat fetishes, the risk of infection and a possibly very embarrassing emergency room visit, if not risk of death of my sex partner via some kind of sepsis, would be enough to put me off even trying this.

Not quite done yet, folks, though at least we’re gonna move away from shit for the last two.

New York-Style Taco

You vomit into the woman’s coochie while performing cunnilingus, and just keep on going. Yeah. Uh…yum? I’m really not trying to pass judgment, folk, but really? Some definitions suggest that this often happens while drunk or otherwise prone to spontaneous vomiting, and either because you’re so committed to oral or so zoned out you simply don’t let the vomit stop you—or you don’t know you’re lapping through a puddle of upchuck. While I appreciate the attempt to protect the honor of people who carry out this act, I am fully aware there are people with things like vomit fetishes (and snot and other dubious bodily excretions), so clearly someone does this on purpose. Multiple someones. And they like it.

Kennebunkport Surprise

I’m sure the upscale hamlet of Kennebunkport in Maine (where former president George H.W. Bush…or “Bush the First”…lives and/or vacations with Barbara) would prefer not to be associated with any sex acts. Nor is it the hub of clam harvesting activity in New England. But, its geographic location is appropriate here. Supposedly, a Kennebunkport Surprise is when a person about to perform cunnilingus on a woman fills his mouth near to bursting with New England Clam Chowder and then forcibly spews it into her pussy. Supposedly, this is done by the person punching both cheeks while loaded up with chowder. Also, the references I’ve found to it usually suggest that the woman doesn’t know a seafood stew is about to enter her holiest of holies. I am rather dubious of the existence of this sex act, not only because it is so specifically bizarre, but because I don’t see how you can smuggle chowder into the boudoir AND stealthily fill your cheeks nearly to overflowing without the woman noticing. But hey, what the fuck do I know? I never would have guessed the Alabama Hot Pocket existed. One thing I can say is that performing the Kennebunkport Surprise would likely lead me to produce a New York-Style Taco—and I’d be fleeing the scene without finishing the cunnilingus.

If you have any idea how committed I am to giving oral sex until the woman comes, you will understand just how gross I find the notions of those two sex acts.

They would be my cunnilingus kryptonite.

But then again, I wouldn’t try most of the things on the above list of menu options.

Now that I’ve ensured you’ll need therapy or hard drugs to get over reading this article, let me simply say that if nothing else, you’ll be set when “Trivial Pursuits” releases its X-rated edition, or “Jeopardy” starts up a category titled “Most Bizarre Kinks.”