So there you are, sitting on your couch, note pad in hand watching the latest installment of Captain Schwanger and His Merry Band of Chubs. Opening act scene three, Little miss Tramplina Crotchgoblin is laid back over the hood of Chuck Twistydick’s shiney new Feraragini 600xyz. Her head stuffed in the hood scoop, her legs stretched to each horizon, and good old Twistydick is buried ears deep in her thighs. Or is he? Nope. He’s got his shiny pink tongue shoved out as far is can go without stretching his spine, he’s got it sharpened to a chisel point and is lapping in the general vicinity of her clit like a methed up gerbil on a water bottle full of liquid crack.

She’s moaning and flailing away like she’s gotten a hold of a champeen pussy licker. Truth is those moans and groans are actually sounds of frustration. The flailing are acts of rage and discontent. Because while this looks great on film, it feels fuckin lousy. If you think that gerbil flickin hamster fuck yer giving her with your rapid fire impersonation of a roto rooter on speed is doing anything for her, if you truly believe that, than I have a few hundred acres of developmental swamp land in Arizona I’ll sell you real cheap.

So, being the kind hearted duck I is, I’m gonna tell you a little about the proper way to eat pussy. Now this is what I refer to as bait. That’s right bait. It’s the kind of lap lickin that will make just about any woman fall in love with you, even if she doesn’t remember your name when you’re done.

First things first, slow the fuck down there Speed Racer, this is NOT a timed event. Longer slower strokes will do more for her. Treat that set of lips just like the ones on her face. Kiss them; long, deep purposeful kisses. Part them tenderly with your tongue and let them know they’re special. Don’t be afraid to suck, seriously suck on her pussy. You want her to give it her all when she’s suckin your dick right? Then be just as enthusiastic about sucking hers. Yeah, her clit is a lot like a miniature dick. Suck it into your mouth, roll it over your tongue. Just like a nipple.

Lick from side to side and in circles. Not with just the tip of your tongue you chicken shit, flatten out your tongue and lap at that thing like you mean it.

Don’t latch onto her clit like life support either. She’s got plenty of pussy to lick. Give the whole thing some attention. It’s a full meal not just a side dish. Enjoy all of it, and she will too.

And, pay attention to her. Listen to her, feel her breathe, pay enough attention and she won’t have to tell you how you’re doing. And don’t be all girly and squeamish, don’t be afraid of kissin the browneye. But more on that some other time…

The moral of the story, for now, is that pussy lickin in porn is not a lesson in how to do it. It’s a good show that looks good for the camera and not much else.