Polyamory is unnatural! Monogamy is unnatural! These are the two most common arguments I hear in any debate on the topic. It’s maddening. Why should either of the two options be “wrong” or “unnatural”? Why can’t it be an individual choice? Even if we’re looking at it from an evolutionary standpoint- which I generally avoid, because to me evo-psyche is just a bunch of fools trying to justify their own experience with science- humans evolved in such a wide array of different shapes, sizes, colors, and cultures, not to mention different areas, that it’s completely possible that we selected for both monogamy in some groups, and polyamory in others. Furthermore, we’re all humans, and we interbreed all the time, so it’s also entirely possible that if genetics for polyamory and monogamy exist, they’re likely so mixed together that the chance one individual will be either is dependent entirely on which one comes up dominant in their DNA.
I think one of my biggest pet peeves in any debate is when one side accuses the other of being “unnatural” or “abnormal” to justify their own experiences. We have a rational folly that seems to be built into our nature to weigh the experiences of others by our own experiences, and it takes a lot of care to defeat it. For instance, I’m demisexual, which means it’s in my very nature to only feel sexual attraction to someone I also feel a romantic connection to. I’m only happy with the thought of having sex with someone I’m in a committed relationship with. It took me time and observation to accept that people who have friends with benefits and random hook-ups are also happy.
I’ve also noticed that it’s the people who are in the less secure position that most often justify their stance with science. As these two stances both become about even, they both start slinging the accusation of unnatural as though it is necessary to invalidate your opponent to validate yourself. That bothers me, because two different experiences of two different individuals can be equally valid. Just because one person isn’t fulfilled in a monogamous relationship doesn’t mean no one is fulfilled. Just because one person can’t imagine being poly doesn’t mean no one is happy in a poly relationship. The obvious solution is to accept that some people are monogamous and some people are polyamorous, and to avoid dating people from the opposite group if you wouldn’t be happy.
In my own relationship, we’re happily monogamous. I can’t imagine wanting an open relationship, because neither of us has ever felt unfulfilled in our relationship. I don’t see jealousy as the reason we don’t open our relationship, simply a lack of need to do so. Which isn’t to say I’m not jealous, I don’t share well if I don’t like the person I’m sharing with, and neither does he. I think, if it ever came up in the future that we both found we could love a third, I at least would be willing to go from a pair to a trio. The need for a committed relationship, however, remains. I’m not sure if I’m monogamous, or poly, but I need my partner(s) to be in it for the long haul and not in an open relationship.
Which brings me to another point, there are so many variants between monogamy, polyamory, and open relationships that it stands to reason that they’re either all natural or all unnatural. You have people who are serial monogamists, going from one monogamous relationship to the next, but always moving on because they can’t see settling with one person, and you have the poly folks who have a trio or more but have been with the same poly family for years and intend to stay together for life. You have the save yourself for marriage/committment crowd, of which I am one by nature rather than choice, and you have the people who need to test-drive their partners because sexual compatibility influences their decision to commit. You even have those with differing opinions on what it means to be monogamous. For instance, I once knew a couple who still considered their relationship monogamous even though the girlfriend was allowed to have sex with women and the boyfriend was allowed to have sex with men outside of the core relationship. To him, monogamy meant monogamy between a man and a woman, and people of the same gender weren’t a threat.
So really, before anyone starts leveling statements of “unnatural” against a way of life that goes against their own experiences, perhaps they should consider that we are all unique. The events that shaped us are different, our DNA is different, our minds are all unique and special. Maybe we should consider that as long as a certain way of life isn’t hurting anyone, it isn’t unnatural.
Naomi
“I can’t imagine wanting an open relationship, because neither of us has ever felt unfulfilled in our relationship.”
I wasn’t unfulfilled in my engaged relationship when I suggested we open it up (people still comment on how sickeningly in love we appear). I suggested we open up our relationship because of doing ethics at uni, where I believed that I should try to control others as little as possible, so I tried to work out the maximum freedom I could give my fiance while still protecting myself against getting hurt.
Being “unfulfilled” in your relationship is a serial monogamy concept, where you dump the unfulfilling partner for one that you think will fulfil you better. In polyamory, you want to keep the fulfilling partner, while being allowed to date other interesting people who offer you experiences and perspectives you hadn’t even realised you were missing. Having more than one friend doesn’t mean I’m unfulfilled by the first one I found, but I also no longer expect anyone to “complete” me. I enjoy people for their strengths and talents, but I don’t really focus on all the things they can’t do for me when there are so many great things about them that make having a close relationship with them a joy. Whether or not they are “fulfilling” doesn’t really make much sense to me – if I get something out of them (even if they can’t give me EVERYTHING) I want to keep them in my life and nurture that relationship and hopefully contribute something back. At the end of the day, other people aren’t responsible for fulfilling you. You should appreciate and nurture those relationships that are healthy, and create boundaries around those that are not, and not let go of a healthy relationship in order to engage in a second one just because you think you’re only allowed one healthy romantic relationship at a time.
Furthermore, all Sex At Dawn (the book that provides all the evidence for monogamy being unnatural) says in terms of monogamy/polyamory is that there are very few monogamous animals (and only one species of monogamous ape). However Sex At Dawn also acknowledges that our society is set up to support monogamy. So it thinks that on one hand monogamy is difficult because its unnatural, and on the other hand monogamy is easier because society has been set up around it since agriculture 10,000 years ago (most foraging/nomad societies, particularly the ones for the 90,000 years prior to agriculture, are not monogamous, just like chimpanzees and bonobos are not monogamous [chimpanzees and bonobos are genetically closer to us than an Indian elephant is from an African elephant]). So monogamy is scientifically unnatural (and the serial “monogamy” [let alone within-relationship infidelity] that humans practise is scientifically monogamous in name only – most of the few monogamous animals are actually monogamous, they by definition only have one sexual partner) but we have spent 10,000 years of trying to “naturalise” it and integrate it as the way our society functions, with varying degrees of success.
Monogamy is like veganism. Choosing to have only one sexual partner, doesn’t make you monogamous anymore than choosing to eat only plants makes you a herbivore. And like veganism it may have its valid health/financial/social benefits … but it will be hard because we are physically/anatomically designed to be omnigamous omnivores. So by all means its valid to choose to be monogamous, just like its valid to choose to be vegan, but they are of similar difficulties and require similar thoughtfulness/preparation/research in order to achieve success. Some people find being vegan easier than others, just like some people find being monogamous easier than others, and plenty of people find both difficult (or find that the most they can do is something less than complete monogamy/veganism – and so long as they are honest about it, those humans who want complete monogamy can steer clear just like those vegans who can’t even stand a trace of dairy/meat in their food). Both are valid choices, but they are ones you have the best chance of succeeding in if you acknowledge what kind of animal humans anatomically are, and organise your life accordingly (rather than believing what you would prefer to be true about humans, and not preparing yourself adequately to meet any challenges you might face). I am especially supportive of both monogamy and veganism if those who practise them feel healthier and more energised … in my case I feel mentally healthier being ethically non-monogamous (my relationship is more intimate because we give each other freedom and discuss everything honestly and in more detail, and we have extra relationships supporting each of us), and I want everyone to do whatever relationship style/diet makes them feel healthiest even if its not one that works for me, whether its complete veganism, one meat free day a week, high protein …
THIS, is why Dan Savage recommended the book. So that instead of tearing apart a perfectly good relationship at the first hint of infidelity, and assuming that it means your partner can’t possibly love you anymore (they are anatomically capable of feeling serious romantic/sexual love towards more than one adult at the same time, just like they are anatomically capable of loving more than one child [their wanting to have a second child doesn't mean they don't love/appreciate the first child they have!]), you could have already considered and discussed some of the challenges you both might face, and have strategies already in place for minimising potential damage.
Airen Wolf
I will have to repsectfully disagree with Naomi and agree with AndroAngel. There is evidence that monogamy is a natural and viable system for the rearing of young and species that practice it thrive just as much as those that don’t so no amou of skewing the facts to make it seem unnatural is going to work…obviously it IS natural it is found in Nature. That being said I am closely related to my cousins but I do not necessarily choose tolive the same way they do not does it feel more natural to me to adopt their lifestyle. We are thinking creature capable of doing whatever we set our minds to…and it is NATURAL for us to decide how we wish to live our lives. We have a thinking brain for this purpose.
On the other hand AndroAngel you must understand than many poly folk did not feel something was missing in our lives or relationships when we opened them. This is the dichotomy of being poly. My guys do NOT complete me or fill a need I had that made me unhappy being monogamous. I was happy but when I accepted that I could love more thanone man completely I found that I was happy…nothing more. My joy was already high and it didn’t rise it just changed. Being poly came naturally but before I realized it was possible I didn’t have an underlying sadness or a feeling like I was missing out. It is like trying to explain spiritualness or defining pornography…you just know it when you feel it.
That being said there is NOTHING wrong with knowing your own mind and following what makes you happy. If you are happy where you are then celebrate it and enjoy it. Who cares if it is natural or unnatural? If you aren’t hurting anyone then carry on. Lovestyle should be a choice and it should be made by each and everyone of us with careful thought and open hearts. It should, however, be made by each and every one of us for ourselves and not for others and we should NOT be forced to defend our decisions to others. In that we both agree.