In wandering gingerly through the forums at EdenFantasys I have come across several forums where terms for relationship groupings are used inaccurately, and to save any further recriminations and hurt feelings I have decided to provide a short definition of each term.

Monogamy is the term applied to a relationship that is closed and involves only two people. Generally this is assumed to mean a male/female pairing, and most religions seem to prefer this set up. In reality this term can apply to MM and FF pairings; the only caveat is they must be closed to intimate relationships, usually involving sex, with other people.

Swinging and/or Open marriage is most often listed after Monogamy, as the couples are usually monogamous with all other aspects of their lives except that on certain occasions, either alone or together, they have sexual activities with other people. They do not form attachments with these playmates and have rules about how involved they may become with these others. Generally these couples see this as enhancing their sex lives, and they keep their core relationship strong by not investing any emotion into sex with others. Meeting with other couples with this same goal in mind feeds the need for excitement, and allows them to remain, otherwise, monogamous.
This is not meant to imply that poly folk don’t swing or have open relationships.

Polygamy is the religious term applied to marrying more than one spouse. One gender marries more than one of the other gender. Generally this is not considered the appropriate term for homosexual or gender fluid types of marriages. Almost 100% of the time these are heterosexual marriages. Generally the partner marrying the others is the only one allowed to have intimate, sexual contact with the other members of the marriage. Rarely is there seen a polygamous marriage where the participants have group sex.

Polygyny is the term for a man having more than one wife. Polygyny is usually a religious expression, but it can be secular. In a polygynist or group marriage, only the man is allowed to have intimate sexual contact with the wives, and generally speaking, the wives act either as ‘sisters’ sharing the duties of one household, or they have completely separate households. All children should be the husband’s, and all of the wives are considered mother to each child. The breakdown of the whole mother/child dynamic can differ between religious sects and even between different households. Some households consider dating to be done with the whole family, and some see that as a male only role. Love tends to be a secondary consideration in these types of arrangements, though they may be very loving and committed as a group and as individuals. Particularly in the religion of Islam, a man is enjoined to only marry more than one woman if he can provide them all the exact same amount of love, consideration, material goods and time. More than one Imam has said this is clearly not possible for every man, and therefore not every man should consider this type of marriage. Even the Mormons, who are the most celebrated adherents to the group marriage, have limits on how many wives a man can and should take.

Polyandry is the term for a woman having more than one husband. It is common in areas where women are either scarce, or resources to provide for children are scarce. The woman, generally, marries into a family of male siblings and takes all of them as husbands. All children are believed to be the oldest brother’s without exception, and the other men play a supporting role until they die, whereupon they assume the duties and rights of head husband. Again this isn’t a universal concept, but it is the most widely practiced. In other parts of the world a woman may only take one of a families male progeny as husband, but she will be expected to marry his brothers should he die. Love has very little to do with this type of arrangement, though it is true that the family may be very deeply loving and connected.

Polyamory is the concept of having many loving relationships. This love-style tends to be secular and spans the range of religions. It is equal opportunity and is usually grouped under the ‘swinging’ category, though most poly folk consider their groupings to be deeper than just a sexual relationship. In this category, you will see a bewildering array of groupings and ‘ratings’ or ‘rankings’. Here we can find heterosexual groupings, homosexual groupings, threesomes, foursomes, pods and everything in between. Some poly folk rate their relationships on a system of hierarchy, some prefer to consider them all equal. What sets Polyamory apart from Swinging, or even Open marriages, is the way that poly folk build more into their relationships than just sexual gratification.

Arguably the whole ‘work widow’ or ‘sports widow’ should be included in the poly category, as many monogamous couples feel as though they are sharing their mate with either his/her job, hobbies, or close friends. Sometimes these jobs, hobbies and friends can actually include a sexual element, but more often they don’t. Think of a policeman and his partner, A fireman and his firehouse, or a businessman and his office. Then you have the subject of kids and how they can make a monogamous couple feel as though their relationship has been invaded. When you factor all this in to the equation, you can see that regardless of the label you put on it we are all basically seeking the same things: love, companionship and partners with whom to raise children.

Really, although it seems complicated it really isn’t…it’s just different. The problems and joys are exactly the same regardless of your preferred love-style. Time is the finite resource for all types of love arrangements, and how you manage it will determine how successful you are.