Part-time Transsexual

oliverHyde

I have body image issues, but they’re not what you might think.

I am genderqueer, and a very gender-fluid genderqueer at that.  There are some days where I feel like a girl, some days where I feel like a boy, and some days where I feel in between.

The days where I feel like a girl kind of rock because it so happens my body is biologically female.  These days are the easiest because I don’t have to do anything to make my body match how I feel inside.  It comes that way!  Woo-hoo!!!  Girly bits for the win!

But then there are just as many (and often more) days when I definitely feel like a boy.  Generally I feel like a pretty feminine boy, but I definitely feel like I’m supposed to have a male body. These days are pretty damn frustrating.

Even though I have smallish breasts, it’s really hard to get them flat enough to feel like a male chest.  An ace bandage can get them perfectly flat, but at the expense of being able to breathe.  This also creates awkwardness during sex because sometimes the binder is way too uncomfortable to wear during play, but when I feel like a guy, having boobs in the bedroom feels very, very unsexy to me.  Too unsexy to justify stripping down, even if I’m sweating and can’t breathe right.

also have a very light build.  I have about as much muscular bulk as Johnny Weir.  Add that to the fact that I have very pretty girl hips and you’ve got a problem.  Even on days where I feel like I pass fairly well, my small build is a HUGE tip off that I’m biologically female.  Layering clothing (and skinny jeans) do a pretty good job of hiding my curves, but when I try to fuck in all that clothing it gets silly really fast.  It’s hard to feel sexy when I’m essentially trying to hide from my own skin.

also, it’s weird to have girly bits

I have a pretty awesome soft pack that does an amazing job of making me feel like I have the dick that I feel like I should have (It even passes grope-tests!) but it’s not like having a real cock.  It won’t get hard on its own and I can’t even it to pee.  In my head, this is kind of the bare minimum that my cock should be able to do.  I also have a great deal of frustration with the fact that I can’t jizz with my strap on.  It feels really weird to me that it doesn’t cum when I do… also that my strap on will stay hard for hours.  If you’re using a strap-on as a stand-in for a real cock, it’s kind of creepy if it stays hard after hours of play.  Handy, sure… but it’s one more thing that separates what it feels like what I should have and what I have to work with.

The days where I feel in-between male and female are sometimes easier, but sometimes they’re not.  It’s a lot easier for me to present androgyny than it is to present male… but sometimes the in between days have an awkwardness of their own because its hard for my partners to know how to interact with my body.  Sometimes I feel in between and my chest/girlybits are completely off-limits, and sometimes they’re not.  Sometimes I don’t even know if a part of me is going to be a no-touch-zone until its been messed with.  It’s a lot more complicated than just being stone because when my female-girl-lady bits do work, they’re GREAT!  When they don’t, it’s hell.

It’s really hard to feel sexy in your body when it feels like the wrong one, and for me it’s not as simple as changing it to the other sex.  I actually love my hips, breasts, and light frame…  half of the time.  The other half of the time they feel wrong on my body… like they should be on someone else’s.  But since I only feel this way part-time getting top surgery and hormone therapy likely wouldn’t fix my problem so much as change it.  It’s a very awkward place to be.  I’m not FTM… although I have a lot in common with other FTMs, it’s more like I’m an FT? or an FTM/F… or maybe I’m just a part-time transsexual.

But it’s also not all bad.   Living on the borderlands can be very fun.  Being gender fluid has opened up a much wider selection of play partners (and role-play scenarios!) for me. I can flirt with lots of different orientations and genders because I can present pretty much any gender.  I also feel like I’m more approachable to people who want to venture outside of their usual orientation because I’m not quite completely anything.  Not sure if you like dick or pussy?  Try it on me first.  I brought both.   So long as folks are willing/prepared to work with me and my body image issues, fucking with my gender can be really, REALLY fun.