I think it’s incredibly ironic that I’ve written now several times (here and at a couple of my blogs) about how my wife and I very recently decided to embark on an open marriage in our middle age, and how the whole situation around the act has created both joy and stress in our relationship, and yet…well, after quite a number of months, we still haven’t fucked anyone but each other.

Yeah, I’m in an open marriage, but for all practical purposes, I and the wife are still in the traditional monogamous mode.

Sure, on the one hand making the decision to open our marriage is a blessing in itself. It took a lot of pressure off my wife to know that I was willing to let her have another lover (or lovers), and that I was open to one or more people joining us in our relationship. It’s also been a relief to know that if I find myself with an opportunity to have sex with someone other than my wife, or perhaps even to woo that person, I can actually act on it. I don’t have to live with the “what if” scenario in my head or sneak around. All around, a healthier situation than having longings (as my wife has had for some time apparently) to have more than me but to think it’s not possible.

Also, we can talk about real-life or online crushes we might have without awkwardness, and we don’t have to worry that any flirting we do will be misinterpreted by each other—because, whether it’s serious flirting or just friendly, casual flirting, it’s all OK.

But still, since we went through all the angst involved with my wife opening up to me about her desire and need for an open marriage…plus all the long discussions about how we can make it work and what the ground rules are…plus the time spent trying to making connections within the swinging and polyamory communities…plus everything else…well, it sure would be nice to be open in more than just theory.

I mean, I’ve opened myself up to the possibility of swinging, or polyamory, or some hybrid of the two, and it sure would be nice if I could actually open up someone else’s legs rather than just think about it. Or watch my wife do so. Or just know that she’s on a date doing it herself and finally realizing her unfulfilled fantasies.

It’s frustrating, I tell you.

And the thing is that it’s not really for lack of any opportunities. It’s not as though the wife and I are unappealing. Hell, we went to a swinging event and had a great time even though we didn’t play with anyone. We’d love the chance to attend another such event and at least play with each other while someone watches, even if we’re not ready to have relations with someone we don’t know or only know very slightly.

Also, we’ve discovered that many of the people my wife and I both interact with on Twitter, who live in our state, are themselves in open relationships and actively engaged in activities with multiple partners. And then there are people who seem like they’d be pretty willing to give it a go with my wife or I (or both). I’ve flirted with a couple of these women online. My wife has made her own connections online for light chatter and sometimes flirting.

A couple guys have offered to do some body worship or other submissive activities with her. Hell, a woman my wife knows outside of the virtual realm has openly offered to get together with us so that she and I can simultaneously pleasure my wife (though she has no interest in direct interaction with me, which is fine with me).

So, what’s the hold-up?

Are we scared/nervous? No. Well, mostly not. A swinging event recently got some police attention in our state, but it wasn’t run as classily or discreetly as the one we had previously attended, so it’s not likely we’d have problems at the one we’d be going to.

Are we too picky? Yes and no. My wife is pretty particular at times, and she and I both have some specific interests, but we’re not ruling out people left and right. It’s more a matter of not wanting to leap into situations with people just for the sake of “popping our cherries”, so to speak. There’s a guy or two on Fetlife who’d love to worship my wife’s pussy and/or feet, but my wife isn’t really into being a domme, so she’s not keen to rush into that offer.

Are we not committed enough? Hardly. My wife is very much feeling overdue to have a piece of someone other than me (or in conjunction with me). Not having yet acted on the potential of our newly opened relationship is a source of increasing stress for her.

No, the real problem is that we’re middle-aged married folks with a couple of kids.

That’s the dirty little secret of being in an open relationship: If you don’t have copious amounts of free time (and a reasonable amount of disposable income), you’re kind of screwed. Even more so in a state that is large but with a sparse population outside of the couple major centers of habitation and commerce. So, in our case, we have the friend of my wife’s willing to help me double-team her, but she lives over an hour away. There is a woman I think I can click with nicely, but she’s a couple hours away, and she has a husband who’d like to be involved with my wife possibly. In both cases, we’d need to invest in some serious babysitting.

Even going to a munch to meet other kinksters means a few hours in babysiting time eating our already tight budget. Same thing with a swinger event, and to make an event like that work best, we’d want to get a room at the inn where it’s held, meaning we’d need an overnight sitter.

Then on top of the sitter you’re spending money in gas, probably going out to dinner with folks, buying drinks or whatever at some point.

And sure, let’s just assume we save up or we get more freelance work and the money isn’t such an object. There’s the time. I’d love to get some time for some sensual fun, but if it comes at the expense of time with my wife for some quiet intimacy when the kid’s asleep, or time with the kid, or time to write and blog, or just time to catch up on movies—well, then the whole swinging or polyamory thing has to be weighed against the limitations of a 24-hour day and too many things to fit into it.

Make no doubt about it: An open marriage requires time to make the openness work. If you’re swinging, you need time to go to events or just to spend time having fun with your new partners. If you’re going for serious, hardcore polyamory, you have to essentially date in addition to maintaining a relationship that you’re already in to find one or more additional partners to develop a loving relationship with.

To all these stresses, add for us that we have no relatives near us. Add the fact that my wife runs an organization in which her perceived moral character could mean the difference between keeping her job or not. And make no mistake: If her board of directors found out she was having sex outside her marriage, they could (and likely would) remove her from her directorship of the organization. As her organization gains stature and so does she (by extension), she has serious concerns about going to events or being seen getting cozy with someone other than me. There are only a few degrees of separation between most people here in this state.

My wife has a crush on a guy who’s local, which is great in terms of time and convenience, but she hestitates to flirt with him, much less tell him she’s available even though she’s married. That’s a risk for her to take, and one that could lead to word getting out that she’s “loose” or “deviant” and then the shit will hit the fan for real.

So, even as opportunities for us to play with others or perhaps even pursue relationships in addition to our own present themselves, we have to think twice. My wife keeps vacillating as she tries to decide how aggressively to pursue activities outside our marriage, or if she even should right now (or ever) because of the risk of exposure.

It’s not the same for a lot of the people we see at munches or interact with online. I’m not saying that it’s EASY for them, but it’s certainly MORE easy for most of them. A lot of them are younger than us, with fewer obligations and fewer things to drain their money, and therefore more disposable cash. A lot of them don’t have kids, or are divorced and only deal with their kids a few days out of the week (or month), and therefore can have sleepovers without a child (like ours) asking why there are several people in mommy and daddy’s bedroom.

It’s all extremely frustrating. Not so much because I’m not getting any extramarital action, but more so because I know that it’s important to my wife that SHE get some of that kind of activity. It’s something she’s buried for too long, and now she feels like she has to re-bury it, and that hurts me. I hurt to see her want something so bad, have it theoretically in reach, and then have to say, “No, can’t risk it.” Or, “Can’t afford it.” Or, “I don’t have the time or the energy for that with everything else going on.”

I haven’t begun despairing yet, but I know how the years begin to fly by as one gets older. We’re still a reasonably appealing couple of people, individually or as a pair depending on the tastes of potential playmates or partners. But the longer we go unable to act on this and find the right people, the higher the chance we’re going to find ourselves as the couple that’s too old for anyone to have interest in. Then a window will have passed and there will be regrets, and I’ll feel like crap for my wife (and maybe a little for myself).

There are no answers here, I fear. No easy ones, anyway.

I will forever be grateful for the doors that were opened kink-wise when my wife revealed her needs and we re-sparked the passion. But I hope that in terms of the potential for both of us to have other partners and playmates that this isn’t an open and shut case where all the doors and windows are closed before we even have a chance to really be open.