I have come to the realization that most people have no idea what an open relationship means. I don't mean what it entails, because there are countless articles and even books written about that concept , what I am talking about is what it MEANS to be in an open relationship! Being open means being willing to entertain the notion, it doesn't mean 'anything goes'. It doesn't mean having strict rules and punishments, it mean embracing the idea of new things and experiences- openly. This is where the discussions come into play, the boundaries get set, and the lines get drawn.

When I tell my partners that I am open I am saying that without prejudgment I will listen to what they are desiring and after careful thought I will discuss whether the idea, experience or person they are desiring is something I am comfortable accepting. An open relationship is like an open door, if left completely unguarded anyone or anything can walk in and set up house, or walk out with everything we own. It is a real concern, after all, it's why locks on doors were invented- to protect us from those who would do harm. An thriving relationship is one where all parties involved are trusting that each of the other partners is watching the door and only allowing sunlight, fresh air and birdsong in. This applies to thriving monogamous, poly amorous or swinging relationships.

It's a given that it isn't going to be Paradise all the time in any household. There will be bug bites, stray dogs, hungry cats, neighborhood kids, angry voices and blaring car horns ruining the perfect day. If the family is committed to having that door open then they are aware of the risks and are willing to wear bug spray and perhaps install a screen door, which is what rules and boundaries are, in essence. They are a fully locking, screen door that forces outsiders to knock before entering. They keep children safe from harmful outside influences and strays out. They still let in sunlight and fresh air but provide a barrier, a buffer against the outside world.

Some relationships like some houses operate better when instead of a screen door there is a wooden door, a more substantial set of rules and boundaries. That wooden door says "We're not interested in visitors, this isn't a good time for outsiders," or simply, "Go away!" If you know you have bad influences outside that door this only makes sense. If it's frigidly cold outside then a closed door can be a great comfort, which is the essence of the feelings of most happy, warm monogamous couples. They see the snowdrifts outside and are content to sip cocoa together and snuggle by the roaring fire of their desire for each other. They know it will be warm outside again and they know that fire might not burn as fiercely when the sun is shining outside but they are content to enjoy their days together, whatever the weather might bring. Some couples open that door together and play in the snow or sunshine, happily insular knowing that when it's time to go inside they have a wonderful barrier to shoo away other playmates. Still others love to invite playmates in to share the roaring fire of love with them after a day of play. They are aware that this might cause strain but the contentment of the loving times drives them to make room in the house for these new partners.

So if, like in my relationship household, you have a wooden door on your bedroom but the door is open, what are you saying? For us what that means is we welcome others to come have a look inside, possibly visit, but we reserve the right to close the door and evict all those who aren't family…and possibly some who are. It is our way of protecting the sanctity of our relationship and it gives us a way to pull back and a place to talk openly and freely.

In a closed relationship, that is closed by force, cheating occurs when one partner peeks through the keyhole or outright sneaks out the window. It is commonly thought that this can't happen in an open relationship because 'what's the point? The door is open!' Cheating in an open relationship tends to occur when one or more of the partners forces locks to be put on the door which only open with certain keys that are jealously guarded. For instance: Rules like 'you can't spoon with another person,' or 'no open mouth kissing' can lead to a partner cheating. It is natural to want to save somethings for your main partner or each of your partners. These things should happen because of true desire, if one partner truly desires to save spooning or open mouth kissing for their specific partner then the rule becomes a key to the lock. If compliance to the rule is forced because of one person's arbitrary wish to control the amount of joy their partner experiences, then the rule becomes a lock with no key, essentially a baited trap.

Add a lock to a door and watch any human suddenly want to open it even if he or she KNOWS what monsters are on the other side! Rules must show respect and love to be fair and easily lived with. In our relationship (Sigel, Arch and I) it is disrespectful for any partner to force the door open to another relationship's bedroom. What I mean to say is: What I do in the bedroom of a lover is no concern of my other lovers unless it affects my personal health or emotional well being. The same respect is demanded and returned to each of my partners. In our relationship home a closed door is cause for concern but respected. If it remains closed for too long some rescue mission might be attempted but if there are happy sounds coming out then there might be a polite knock. So yes, while we are open to new possibilities we are careful to protect our home from those who don't have our best combined interests at heart. We are careful that our demands and desires have the best interest of each of our unique relationships interests at heart as well.

So being open means literally what it says, being OPEN. It has lovely connotations as you have seen but there is also another side. It also means being open to hearing condemnation, criticism, ridicule, and heartache. It means that you must be willing to hear about when you have left the door open and accept responsibility for whatever comes through the door. It means being open to compromise even if it is uncomfortable, sort of like having to wait to have that cake and eating it later. It means that you are open to the concept that it is still possible to hurt your partner (or partners) even if they are smiling and trying to be welcoming. It means a willingness to accept the blame, soothe the troubles egos and work toward a new common goal. Being open is about staying open even when it would be easier to walk away and slam the door behind you.

To my mind this is where so many relationships fail, either they have no door and no one minding the house as the thieves wander in or they have so many locks that they accidentally trap a partner either inside the house or, worse, outside! Any relationship needs boundaries and rules just as every house needs a door. In the most functional homes the locks on the door serve as protection when the focus of the family is on other things. Likewise a good set of rules that can be negotiated and rewritten as needed serves to protect a relationship when the focus of the partners is shifted elsewhere. I would caution every reader to make their relationship home, regardless of the amount of locks on the door, a place that each family member wants to come home to. A thriving, happy relationship is one where all participants WANT to be at the end of a hard day. It's a place where you can look up with a satisfied smile and say, "It ain't perfect but it's home."