Question 11:

I keep hearing that I should have a mentor. But this one person said it should be an experienced dominant, and another said it should be an experienced submissive. Some say it should be the same gender as me. Others say it should be the opposite. One lady said that if I go searching for a mentor, and I’m a submissive, I should find a dominant mentor. But if I’m a dominant, my mentor should be submissive. Other people say that’s wrong. I’m so confused! help!

Oy. Do I feel for you.

A mentor is not necessary.

Let me say that again. A mentor is not necessary.

But some people find them helpful. And that’s okay, too.

Generally speaking, people suggest training of some sort by experienced kinksters for the safety factor. It’s no secret that most of the fun we get up to can cause harm if not done with care. And BDSM gets a bad enough rap in the media without constant accidents like the recent genius who “accidentally” shot his wife when they combined sex and guns.

But besides that, nobody wants anyone to get hurt while they’re having fun. It ruins the mood, and ruins the fun, and everyone involved feels bad, for obvious reasons.

There are other reasons, of course.

Some people truly believe you can’t figure this stuff out on your own. Others feel it’s a good idea to have someone involved who understands and knows how to deal with the various emotions people go through on all sides of the spectrum.

However, there are all sorts of mediums to learn about kink, now. So mentors aren’t always necessary.

If you do choose to go with a mentor, though, you have all sorts of options at your fingers. For example, FetLife (must login to view, but registration is free) has all sorts of groups specifically for finding mentors. However some people suggest your mentor be someone you know and trust. And in some cases, I agree.

As for what gender, or whether it should be a dominant or submissive…

My personal opinion is that your mentor should be the gender you’re least attracted to, and of the same kinky persuasion as you. This means if you’re a female dominant, so should your mentor be. If you’re a male submissive, so should your mentor be.

My reason for this is, from my experience, any sort of close interaction between people can, and occasionally does, form bonds of colossal proportions that can sometimes get in the way of the learning that’s meant to take place. Attraction, and newness, and adoration that is better saved for your partner, not your teacher.

There is some argument for a dominant being better able to teach a submissive how a dominant will expect a submissive they’re considering entering into a D/s relationship with to act. For that matter, there’s also good reasons behind the belief that  submissive can better tell a dominant what a submissive will expect from someone who will have control over them.

From where I sit, the problem with those arguments isn’t in the reasons behind them. It’s in what becomes of that sort of mentorship. (Is that even a word?)

Cause here’s the thing… No two dominant or submissive people are alike. No two D/s relationships are alike. Everyone has different wants, needs, expectations…

Going into a mentoring type situation with someone who isn’t going to ultimately end up your partner can teach you all sorts of techniques they’re not interested in utilizing. On both sides. I mean, yeah, that’s easy enough to fix through communication, and retraining. And there’s really nothing wrong with that. But sometimes it’s easier not to have to deal with that. And some actually prefer it. And besides… it’s awesome learning from each other what works best for you.

I was brand new. And when I mentioned a mentor to M, he said it wasn’t something he was interested in. Partly because there really aren’t many people who do it like we do. But also because he enjoyed being able to train me from scratch.

Which way’s right? Who knows? As far as I’m concerned, the answer is, “Whatever works for you.”