As a new slave in training, I have found myself worrying out the W-word. That horrible word that I think lots of new subs, or slaves, or those in training, fear.

Wrong.

You’re doing it wrong.

I hate not doing things well, and often I find myself NOT doing things that I don’t think I can do, or I know I do poorly (singing, sports, and beer pong).  In my last relationship, I was often as well behaved as I could possibly be. I rarely acted bratty. I did all that I could to please, and in the end I felt (and still feel) betrayed, and angry, and downright bitter that my efforts were rewarded by his swift departure. I was perfect; I thought to myself. I did everything he asked, everything he told me to do, everything he said would make him happy. What did I do wrong?

I digress.

I went to a class last week that went over the different definitions of Dominance, Submission, Switch, Slave, and many of the things in between. Towards the end of the class, the slave of the instructor spoke of her journey to become a slave. A MtF switch, she spoke with humor and honesty about her biggest fear, which was that she would “suck at this harder than anyone has ever sucked before.” In speaking with her later, I shared how I very much identified with those feelings, and thanked her for sharing that with us.

There is always that fear in doing things wrong when you want nothing more than to impress. I have, on a few occasions, been corrected in my behavior, and it took every ounce of me not to start crying. I feared that if I accidentally did this again, he would be gone. If I’m not perfect, I’m out. Right? No. Absolutely wrong.

What I am learning is that I don’t really do ANYTHING perfectly. While I am good at some things, I am adequate at many things, and perfect at almost nothing. I have been reminded that the last perfect man who walked this earth was nailed to a cross (if you believe in that), and that the world is simply not meant to understand or accept perfection. Perfection is often frowned upon one way or the other. Nobody is infallible, and if they are, they are swiftly judged and punished for it.

So what is my obsession with being perfect, when very few things in my life point to achieving anything by way of perfection? Such is the same in D/s relationships. Why do I feel that I MUST be the perfect submissive when I’ve proven to myself that doing everything right didn’t earn me a one year anniversary card?

I am learning that relationships in BDSM are not about finding a partner that is never going to do anything wrong. We’re all just humans that make mistakes, and have the ability to be taught. I am just as human as everyone else, and I was not given any special powers. That is why there are periods of consideration, training, and mentoring. Nobody reads SM101 and “Viola!”, they are prepared for anything that might come their way. Hell, I haven’t even finished SM101 yet.

I was lucky to find someone who I feel understands and respects my needs. He is patient with me as I am learning, and has told me that he feels I’m worth that effort. Unperfect, untrained, sassy-assed me. Go figure!

I am not expected to be perfect. I’m expected to learn. I’m expected to give this relationship my full commitment, and do what I have said I will do to the very best of my ability. I never committed to being perfect, and he never asked for it. I made it very clear that there is so much I don’t know. And even if I knew a LOT, serving one Dominant can be miles away from serving another. He always says, you will be with me for as long as you need to be with me. With these words I feel confident that my training is about growth, and learning, and service. Would I like to be the perfect slave for him? Of course I would. I would love to be able to anticipate his every want and need, perform tasks, rituals, and protocols in a way that looks effortless. But these things take time.

Right now, I’m pretty good at noticing whether or not he has a full cup of fresh hot coffee.