[box]Gandhi said if you want to change the world, you have to be the change. To that end, Rayne brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for Rayne, leave it in comments, or email it to rayne@insatiabledesire.com[/box]
Question 16:
I’ve got this slave. I love it more than anything, and I’d love to keep it around. But it keeps ignoring the rules. I mean, I’m the owner. Shouldn’t my slave be doing at least some of what I say?
So I’m sitting on the couch with M when suddenly I get the urge to lick his back. I cuddle up to him, snuggle my face between his back and the cushions and begin to lick and nip and kiss.
“That’s no fair.” he says.
“What’s no fair?” I ask, innocently.
“You’re teasing!” he says.
“It is impossible for me to tease.” I say back, matter-of-factly. And he just kinda stares at me.
Realizing he has no idea where I’m going with this, I grin.
“Well, you’re the boss.”
“Yeah, so?”
“So if you’re teased, it’s your own fault.”
“Is not!” he immediately shouted back like an impetuous five-year-old. But he saw the satisfied grin on my face growing wider and began to contemplate my assertion.
“How do you figure?” he asked cautiously, and I leaned back in my seat.
“Well, don’t you have the right to take me whenever you want?”
“Yeah.”
“If you have the right to take me whenever you want, and you don’t, then it’s your fault you got teased. Not mine.”
“Nu-unh!” he whined. “We can’t right now!”
“Sure we can.”
“No we can’t!”
“See? Entirely your fault.”
~speechless silence~
I never win arguments. It’s good to be me, today.
I’ve never really understood “slave owners” who spent a large amount of time bitching about how their possessions don’t make them happy.
Oh, I get that slaves are supposed to be pleasing. I understand with pristine clarity what it’s like to love someone so much you don’t want to offend them and/or lose them over something silly. But be honest with yourself. Is getting your needs met “something silly”? And if so, maybe you should be on the other side of the slash, eh?
Those masterly types have all sorts of options at their disposal. Especially in a relationship like my own. If I don’t perform at what M consider’s my best, he has the right to correct my behavior. I’ve given him permission to stop me in whatever way he’d like.
Lucky for me he’s fairly sane, I guess. With ultimate power comes ultimate responsibility.
If the owner in an owner/property relationship has a problem with his slave’s behavior, has the ability and consent to correct the unwanted behavior and doesn’t, then whose problem is it? Some would say the slave should just perform how it’s supposed to, and in most cases they’d probably be right. But sometimes, it’s just not that easy. Especially in the beginning.
Life gets in the way. The line in the dirt gets blurred. Becoming slave does not (always) do away with one’s autonomy. We still have thoughts and feelings and passions. They don’t always match those of our owners, and that’s not always a bad thing.
For example, I’m pretty passionate about the rest of the world being as comfortable with their sexuality as I am now. M? Could really care less. But he lets me yammer on about it anyway, because why not? It helps take some of the pressure off him financially, and it serves the whole sexual property mindset well. What better way to really drive home that a girl’s main function is sex than to surround her with it?
And besides all that, what fun would being a slave be if there was never any reason for the owner to exert his ownership over his property?
Set up a reward system. Create a punishment dynamic. Do something. Or deal with it. Or leave. Those are your options.
At least, that’s how I see it. Your mileage may vary.
Unrepentant
Wow, that is about the most damn unhelpful thing I’ve ever read.
Rayne
I’m sorry you feel that way. In a nutshell, my response to the dominant in question was “Yes it should. So do something about it.”
Unrepentant
So the person says, “I have a problem and I’m not sure how to fix it,” and your answer is, “Just fix it.”
Yeah, not helpful, sorry. Apologies for sounding bitchy, but just trying to point out that you didn’t really answer the question. :/
Your article came across to me as kinda snarky; you seem to feel that it is in fact a stupid question that doesn’t deserve a real answer, and I disagree.
CarrieAnn
“But be honest with yourself. Is getting your needs met “something silly”? And if so, maybe you should be on the other side of the slash, eh?”
Damn, woman. I think you just said that, being on the other side of the slash, my needs are silly…
Also, I have to say, there have been plenty of times my guys has sacrificed his needs despite our dynamic because indulging in them would have been harmful to me or would have changed who I am at my core in some way — and because he loves me, he’d prefer not to harm me or change who I am.
Of course, I know didn’t mean a submissive type’s needs are silly or that a dominant type’s needs always come first in all situations cuz we’ve known each other for years but, yanno, I figure better for me to point out how it “could” sound than to have strangers do it.
Rayne
Lol. You’re right, that’s not what I meant. I just meant that at least half the point of being alpha is getting your needs met. Of course a submissive’s needs are valid and should be met. But if the sub’s completely non-compliant, there are choices to be made. On both sides.
ExquisiteSensations
Actually, I really like this article. I am not in a D/s relationship, nor have I ever been but I do like to read about it and learn more for roleplaying and stuff like that.
I 100% agree that a Dom shouldn’t be whining that their sub/slave doesn’t listen to them. If you’re the dominant one in the pairing, make it right. If you aren’t going to force things to be the way they want them then you can at least discuss it with the other partner (like in a vanilla relationship).
It seems funny and strange that Doms out there are upset that the subs won’t listen to them. Every relationship is different and has its own terms, which should suit both people in it, but if what you really want and are looking for is someone to listen to you and make sure your needs are met, and you wish to exert control over them in order to get it, then why isn’t it happening?
Rayne
Lol. Agreed. And thank you.
Unrepentant
Maybe it’s not happening because the dom isn’t sure of the best way to make it happen. Just because someone is dominant, it doesn’t mean they’re born with an innate knowledge of how to handle people and make relationships work, any more than a submissive person is.
ExquisiteSensations
From the article, and I quote: “But it keeps ignoring the rules. I mean, I’m the owner. Shouldn’t my slave be doing at least some of what I say?”
That does not sound like a person who is confused about how to make relationships work. That sounds like a Dom who assumes the slave will ‘automatically’ obey and hasn’t even attempted to gain compliance through any method other than ‘but I said so’.
Even without any real knowledge of D/s I can say that the Dom should be trying to coerce the sub, perhaps taking away a benefit or reward in the form of something the sub likes, or for those who are more extreme- adding aversive stimulus in the form of something the sub does not like.
That isn’t an innate knowledge of how to handle people, it is simply trying something- ANYTHING, which by the sound of the article above, some Doms out there aren’t even trying. I am not saying many, or even a large number- but it sounds like there are people who consider themselves Doms, go out and find a sub, then wonder why that person doesn’t magically do whatever they want without stepping up to the plate and trying their hand at dominating to some degree.
aliceinthehole
i thought this was a great article! don’t see what all the panty-wadding is about.