When I was younger, I thought the kinkiest thing ever was a pair of furry handcuffs. I had a bracelet with an O ring, and everyone thought I was super hardcore for wearing it. I didn’t even know what an O ring was for! After a couple years, I started harming myself, and I became really submissive to everyone, and my sadistic side really came out.

I started wanting to experiment with bondage and blindfolds, and thought I was really weird for liking this stuff. I began incorporating chains and hot candle wax into my sex life. I would ask my partners to hold me down, and hesitantly, they would. It never lasted for long though. They thought I was a freak for thinking it was hot. When they found out I cut myself, they were afraid that I would want to do needle play (which I didn’t even know existed till then) or cut them. Rumors went around that I liked to slash guys up during sex. After that, I started keeping my kinkiness to myself because nobody really understood it. I thought I was alone in it all.

While I stopped playing with anything kinky, or asking to have my face shoved into a pillow, I became more and more submissive. Anything my partners I had then would want me to do, I would obey. I really loved it, and they never understood. I became so selfless with sex, and I never got off. The sex I had for years was boring and plain. I just tried to please my partner and that’s that. I would let myself get hurt, which is never good, but I enjoyed the pain. I somehow got myself into situations where I knew I would be lied to, and end up crying and blaming myself, and I don’t really understand what about that I liked, but I’m still like that now.

I looked up BDSM online around that time in my life, and I learned that I’m not alone. That there’s a lot of people who are so submissive and sadistic, and love pain. I had never known that there were so many other people who were like me, and even more so into it! This comforted me that I wasn’t a complete freak, and made me want to find someone who could fulfill my fantasies.

Down the road, I finally got with a couple people that almost understood how masochistic I was. I would be ordered around, tied up, and told what to do. I got off on it, and it was all that I wanted. These people would emotionally hurt me too, but I kept with it because I liked the pain. They would humiliate me, which to this day is one of my favorite things. I liked that they could be rough in bed, to the point where the pain is so good. They weren’t afraid to use rope or gags on me. They would slap me if I disobeyed. It took a while, but I had found dominant people at last.

While I may not want crazy rough sex full time, I do want to be dominated all the time. It makes me happy knowing that I’m pleasing someone else. If I was unsure of something then, I would still try it. I will try anything at least once, and probably more than once, regardless if I like it, if someone wants me to do it bad enough.

I still have yet to find anyone that completely understands my wants, but I have experienced a lot more now. I know what I like, and I still have a lot more to try eventually. My journey isn’t over yet, and best of all, I know that I’m not the only freak.