In 1996 I lost my virginity. I was 19. Years before I had been exploring my sexual desires through self-love, and had pretty clear expectations about what sex was like. After all, I had seen the nudy magazines under my parents bed, and happened upon a VHS tape left in the VCR. It looked fun, dirty, and I was transfixed. So, when my first sexual experience did not happen just like in the media I had sneaked, I was disappointed.
This was to be the beginning of my search for perfect sex.
I never voiced my disappointment with my new sexual partner, and for that I probably erred, but what I did was throw myself into exploring sex in as many ways as possible. I not only wanted to wipe ‘virgin’ from my identity, but I wanted to make sure it was buried deep in as much experiences as I could. That suited my partner just fine. We had sex so much that there were times when friends would ask what we’d been up to, and all we could do was smile.
We bought one of those books that has sex positions in them, and tried every single one we were capable of doing. In each position I was searching for the emotions, reactions, and ultimately the pleasure I had seen in the porn I now perused frequently. Why wasn’t my sex just like that? I wanted to know how to get to the panting and screaming. I wanted to dive into lust and come out sweating on the other side. But it just wasn’t happening.
It never dawned on me that my partner could be the issue. He was actively seeking sex with me, I enjoyed his above average penis, and he had excellent kissing skills. After awhile I brought up that I wanted to try some wilder things like blindfolds, and bondage, and sex toys. Something had to make my perfect sex come to fruition. Nothing did. Don’t get me wrong, the sex was great but it was just sex.
I wanted mind-blowing sex!
Seven years I slept with the same man, wondering if there was something wrong with me and how I enjoyed sex. I read books about desire, sexual manuals, and watched so much porn that I could recognize porn star genitals (and that’s saying something). Yet, I wasn’t getting any of the sex that I saw acted out. Our sex left me feeling frustrated, usually unsatisfied, and yet I didn’t want more because I didn’t see it changing.
There’s only so much boring sex a person can take, and I was reaching my limit. So I started using the internet to get off. I learned about sex chat rooms and bought a web cam. All with my now husband’s permission. He’d watch me play with myself on camera and follow the directions of the horny men jerking off to me. Sometimes he’d fuck me for their merriment. I talked dirty with a lot of men online.
It was then that I encountered something that would change my life.
One of the men I talked to said he was a Dominant, which was something I had never heard of before. He said he’d like to control me and would require immediate obedience. It sparked something in me. When we weren’t playing I was asking him questions about BDSM, and submission, and what my role in it would be if it were not online. He fed my inquisitiveness, and directed me to resources that I still use today.
Not only that, but the sex I was having changed. I started asking my husband to be in control in the bedroom, something he was not good at, but in play it was good enough. We bought velcro cuffs and a blindfold, and the first time I asked him to spank me I think I cried with happiness. I had found something of what I was missing. I asked for more and more of my husband while still playing on cam for the Dominant online.
After a few months it became apparent that my husband wasn’t as interested in my kinky games as I was becoming. I was so close to my perfect sex but it was still out of reach, and he was going to deny me that. Our relationship became strained and ultimately fell apart. Sex was just too important to me to continue with the sex I was getting. I knew what I wanted now, and if he wasn’t going to provide it, I was going to go get it. Without him.
We separated, because neither of us really wanted an open relationship of any sort (along with other issues), and we went our own ways. I hopped right on the dating circuit and found kinky partner after kinky partner. Each time getting closer and closer to the sex I knew I could have. Something was always missing from these experiences, but I wasn’t giving up. I’d risk everything to get what I knew had to exist.
In 2004 I found it, my perfect sex. It’s kinky, it’s sexy, it’s hot. It’s sweat-drenched in pleasure, and full of everything I thought sex should be. My fiance is the man who gave me the sex I’d always needed. I’ve never felt so fulfilled and satisfied in my life.
Hopefully I’ll continue to share my story of the men I had on the journey, and how I ultimately got my perfect sex and what that looks like.
Karen
Inspiring story about true love. No one should give up and live with bad sex…. My story is so similar. Thanks for sharing yours!
Conrad
I’d like to start by saying that I love my wife. I am loyal to a fault. We would be much more wealthy if not for my constant purchasing of new sex toys in a search for something that gives her as much pleasure as the touch of her body gives me. I’d also like to add that until this past week I had never smoked DMT (I inhaled a form of it in the past, but that was pre-MAO inhibitors*, and it didn’t do anything other than make me feel at peace).
This weekend I had the perfect blow job. Not only did it reaffirm my feelings for my wife. It brought me to new levels of ecstasy I never imagine possible. It left me in a state of bliss for hours where all I wanted was to feel her skin against my body, and compliment her every feature, wasting away the day in the darkness of our bedroom under the glow of our star machine.
I asked my wife to give me a blow job as I entered the trance of smoking DMT. As I left this current state of existence and was transported to a hill, on a warm spring day, under a lush tree; my wife did her thing (I’m a bit bias, but I think she could be very successful selling her techniques). My body was instantly filled with a bright white light rushing throughout every inch of me. The pleasure was the most intense and magnificent thing I have ever experienced.
I’m not much of a druggy, when I was in high school, and in college I dabbled in Mushrooms and LSD often. I was also a bit of a stoner, I spent just about every waking hour of my senior year of high school, high. I don’t drink, so I found weed and hallucinogens instead. After college I pretty much quit everything for years. Even now I only smoke pot about once or twice a year. It was just dumb luck that DMT was introduced to my life.
If you are past puberty (as there is a theory floating about that intoxicant during puberty may impair the development of some genes), and are sexually active…or not… I recommend that you find DMT. Not only is it one of the safest drugs known to man, but the trip only lasts 5-15 minutes (unless you are taking an MAOI). Afterwards it is as if you have woken from a mid day nap. Take the time to do a quick search on the interwebs for it. Erowid has a large collection of information.
*I take MAOIs(nardil) for general social anxiety disorder. There are natural MAOIs(syrian rue) that are safer and don’t create permanent bonds, but you still have to follow the food restrictions and fasting before taking it with DMT. Not doing so runs the risk of death. It isn’t the DMT that is dangerous, it is the MAOIs.
When mixed DMT and MAOIs create a trip that lasts 10-30 minutes with a slower come down. The come down isn’t so much visual, as it is a general feeling of well being, brighter colors, and a lightness of the body.
And now you know more about me than you ever wanted…
lunaKM
Thanks for the comment but what does that have to do with my post? Sure sounds like an ad to me…
Conrad
Because you were searching for perfect sex. So I recounted my finding of perfect sex in my relationship. How is it an ad?
lunaKM
My apologies, but it just sounded like you were advocating the use of DMT in order to get to your perfect sex.
Thank you for clearing that up for me.
Conrad
I do advocate doing it. Drugs aren’t for everyone, this is true, but for those that are interested in expanding their horizons I always recommend drugs. Especially 99% safe drugs.
It is up to the individual what they do and don’t do. When it comes to intoxicants I would rather provide people with accurate information, instead of the bullshit that the government and media has been feeding us for years. Much like the lies taught to kids during sex education, and the plethora of misinformation out there.
No one ever tells people that sex and drugs can be a fun, and safe experiences. They always focus on the negative outcomes. Sexual education is all about instilling fear and guilt into each new generation. Drug education suffers the same stigmas. As long as you take precaution with your actions, do proper research into the things you are doing, and don’t hurt anyone in the process, you should be free to experiment.
Much like sex positivity blogs try to teach people that sex can be fun, safe, and exhilarating. I try to teach people the same message about drug experimentation. As well as having a strong presence online as an Artist and sexual educator.
Not only did I advocate DMT use, I also warned of the dangers of using MAOIs. I provided safe information and resources so that people that read my post could inform themselves of any possible dangers.
Many people learn better from recounts of personal stories, hence blogs being so popular. I can only give them information, it is up to them if they explore the same scenario.
Eva_ChangeN
Very interesting read! Glad your finding what you needed, and sorry it took so long
lunaKM
The good thing is that I did find it! So many people I talk to are still seeking.
Angel
This is where I find myself. Once upon a time my spouse and I were in an open marriage. For this very reason, there are lines he refuses to cross and I NEED sometimes to be satisfied. Regardless of my begging and cajoling and many tears telling him what I was lacking he still stands firm and though may try to appease me he won’t go that extra step, too many times I have done without mine, and he gets his, and he doesn’t even KNOW that I have not gotten mine. I could understand if I wanted it like that every day, but I don’t. Shoot me now please..