Eden Cafe

I have no idea how to narrow this down, so I will just list my favorites and you can pick your own from the list:

Carrie Prejean: Dumber than a Box of Hammers
Come on Carrie… don’t you know how these things work? Did you really expect that you could stand on stage at a beauty pageant and spout your anti-gay marriage message (To Perez Hilton, of all people. I hate him too, but he doesn’t deserve his own place on the list. ) and magically become some kind of heroine to the good Christian folks of the Midwest? Were you expecting to become the poster-child for the preservation of American values? Probably you should have double checked you had ALL the negatives of those photos you took. And make matters worse for yourself, you were mean to Larry King on national TV. You pretended to throw a tantrum, announced you were leaving the set and then didn’t. You just sat there like you were…
dumber than a box of hammers.

Jon and Kate No, on second thought, I refuse to lend anymore words to that hot mess. Not gonna do it.

Glenn Beck: Riding the Crazy Train
Jon Stewart said it best when he said, about Glenn Beck: “Finally, a guy who says what people who aren’t thinking are thinking!” I kind of feel sorry for Glenn, or I would if I actually thought he believed any of his own crap. Even Bill O’Reilly thinks Glenn Beck is insane. Other Fox News personalities have actually mocked him on air. He thinks Rockefeller, you know, John Rockefeller, one of the richest, most capitalistic figures in the history of our country was secretly a communist and a facist and hid secret symbols of his true beliefs all over Rockefeller Center in NYC. And even tho nobody realized they were there until Glenn himself pointed it, these symbols have secretly been programming us to be communists too. Who knew. Thank you Glenn, for saving us all.

Sarah Palin: Go Away, Give Me A Chance to Miss You
See, how it works, Sarah, is when your team loses, you go the fuck away(at least for a year or two until the new election cycle). My real problem is you really believe the media covers you because you are relevant and have serious opinions on serious issues. No. No you do not. They cover you because you are a train wreck. We can’t look away. And when we do, you do something else, something so fucking preposterous that we just can’t help but look. We need help, we need counseling, but mostly we just need you to
go
the
fuck
away.

Anyone who takes Sarah Palin seriously:
This is correlated to the above and really it’s Sarah’s fault, but you need to shut her book and start thinking for yourself because…
1. Healthcare reform will not kill your baby or your grandma.
2. Global Climate Change is not natural “like gravity” and if you don’t believe me, ask ANY environmental scientist.
3. Being able to see Russia from her front porch does not make her an expert in foreign policy.
I could go on, this list could be much longer, but really, I shouldn’t have to. Just these three things should enough to make you realize the woman has no idea what she’s talking about and will say anything to further her cause. And when I say cause, I do not mean the ideology and agenda of the GOP, but the woman’s pathological need for attention and a designer wardrobe.

Richard Heene – Wannabee Tool
If you don’t know who this guy is, A+ for you. Because this guy is famous now for telling the world his kid was trapped in a weather balloon flying through the sky all in an effort to get famous. So I’d rather you didn’t know who he was at all. In fact, for get I mentioned him! Nothing to see here, move along…

Tareq And Michaele Salahi – Wannabee Tools – The Sequel
See Richard Heene, replace little boy and weather balloon with President Obama and White House.

Joe Wilson – Born and Raised in a Barn.
He called the President a liar, interrupted him him during his address to a joint session of Congress to do it.
Dude. Manners.

Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich – Dude, um, your pants are on fire.
You are all the most sleazy, disgusting things about politicians that we hate all wrapped up in one crazy package under a cap of hair that I still don’t believe is real. And you got caught right when we were feeling all happy and good about our new guy Obama. You ruined our high man. And then you went on national TV and said you didn’t do it. Look, we just got rid of an administration who loved to shit all over us and then tell us they hadn’t just shit all over us while we stood there…covered in shit. We are tired of it. Knock it off.

Here’s to hoping 2010 is less about these guys and more about making the world a better place.

Happy New Year Y’all!