What does it take to be a phone sex operator? Recently I found myself delving into this question.

My interest was sparked by a Carlin Ross podcast in which she shared some stories of clients she’d had when she was working as a phone sex operator herself. The tales ranged from hilarious and entertaining, to sexy, to dark and disturbing and back again. I was amazed at the myriad of fetishes out there. Who knew that behind people’s cool exteriors could be such a vivid array of erotic fantasies? And the anonymity of telling a complete stranger your deepest darkest secrets sounded alarming and alluring at the same time.

I’ve always been someone who listens, and someone who can offer a fresh point of view on a situation. At the time, I was also a person looking for work, and phone sex does promise to be an easy way to make money. First off, though, I did have to deal with the fact that phone sex is sex work. Sure, you have a higher level of personal safety when working the phone lines rather than the Johns. You are an unknown voice at the other end of the telephone, utterly safe from STDs, unwanted pregnancy, and getting stuck in dangerous situations. If you’re having a conversation that you don’t want to be part of, disconnection is just a click away.

Still, though, the emotional investment in phone sex work is real. I did my research about it by reading the help sections of websites that offered employment, checking out message boards made by and for phone sex workers, and listening to podcasts made by online domes. From this I learned that this job is more than just moaning on the other side of the telephone. Often phone sex workers negotiate with their clients about what kinds of scenarios they desire. Sometimes this means having to coax the client into telling more about their fantasies.

What really struck my interest was the stories of ladies who’d gotten calls from men who would confide in them. Some people use phone sex lines to indulge fantasies that they do not want to share with their loved ones or anyone else they know in real life. They fear being judged, so they turn to the anonymity of phone sex lines and chat rooms to express themselves.

I came across descriptions of the strange and bizarre–rape fantasies, incest, and scat, to name a few. This is the darker sides of the sexual mind. Some would say it’s better to keep the dark side away. Deny that vision of being fucked by someone in your immediate family or being in a non-consensual situation. There’s also a desire that seems more mundane from where I’m sitting, but which, for some, cause a great amount of turmoil: homosexuality.

My issue with repressing desires and imagination is this: I think that when we deny parts of ourselves and push them away it does several things. One, it makes that desire more powerful, because more tension is built up around it from pushing it away. It’s like a spring–the more we press it away, the more it’s liable to spring back and slap us in the face. Which brings me to my second point. When we become consciously aware of something inside ourselves, but deny and try to forget about it, it’s still inside us. And by not addressing it consciously, it gets pressed back into the unconscious. It then can express itself suddenly in ways that can be more damaging and chaotic than if we dealt with it when it first came up. It’s a lot like when people get angry in their day-to-day lives, but don’t express it. Then over time, all those small angers get built up inside and they might lash out in a violent act that is much more extreme than a few small outbursts would have been.

So clearly this is a part of the human condition that I am fascinated with. One of my main interests in phone sex work was to help some people address these hidden fantasies that they weren’t able, for whatever reason, to work out with people in their home life. I think that a few exchanged words and an attentive ear can do a lot for people who are in a mysterious or upsetting situation.

For better of for worse, however, I never did find a gig. Being in Canada, my options are limited, and I was only interested in working for a reputable company with few string attached. Looking back though, I don’t think this search was in vain. Some of my assumptions about the phone sex industry changed. Even more than that, I was privy to a glimpse of human sexuality that I had not had before. I’ve been sparked with curiosity about the secrets we only allow ourselves to whisper in the dark.