M/s — How do we start?

Posted by RaynecloseAuthor: Rayne Name: Rayne Millaray
Email: rayne@edenfantasys.com
Site: http://www.insatiabledesire.com/
About: A loving slave with sadistic tendencies and masochistic desires. Chaos incarnate. The girl your mother warned you about. Reviewer at Eden Fantasys and long time blogger.See Authors Posts (467)

There are a couple novice master/slave groups on a couple kink boards I frequent. A couple places where people who are just discovering their kinky side can ask any little question that pops into their head. And one of the most-asked questions is always, “How do we start?”

The short answer is “Small.” as I mentioned in an earlier post. The long answer? Well, it contains so many possibilities. To be honest, I don’t know where most of them began. Whether they just naturally evolved over time, or if they were taken from some book, or if they were always suggestions. And I haven’t tested many of them either.

A lot of people believe a good place to start is by finding a mentor. But they can’t really agree on what kind of mentor you should find.

Some say your mentor should be the same gender, sexual persuasion and role preference as you. So if you’re a heterosexual female looking to be owned, your mentor should be someone who is a heterosexual female who has been owned for a while or in the past. Their reasoning behind this is the theory that only people walking a similar path can help each other learn and grow. That people with the same chosen lot in life can understand each other better than people who’ve placed themselves higher up on the food chain.

Others believe your mentor should be the kind of significant other you’re looking for. So if you’re looking for a genderqueer submissive, that’s who should mentor you. They say that’s the best way to learn what might be expected from you in a power exchange relationship.

Others will rail against having a mentor who fits the personality of the person you’re looking for. People on both sides of the spectrum (dominant and submissive) insist that is setting yourself up for disaster. First, how could they possibly know all the things the person who eventually owns you will want from you? And what if an attachment grows that one or the other isn’t prepared for? And a submissive shouldn’t be giving advice to a dominant. And a dominant shouldn’t deign to tell a submissive he or she doesn’t own what to do. And…. the reasons go on and on.

To be honest, I’m not really sure how I feel about mentors. My best friend considered me her mentor for a long time, and I’m still not entirely sure why. I don’t say, “You’re doin’ it wrong!” nearly enough, and my version of, “Suck it up, Buttercup.” sounds more like, “Well, I mean, that’s his right, but what the fuck, Chuck?” Actually, it sounds exactly like that.

A suggestion M got a lot was to spend a period of time as a slave before taking ownership of someone. And he did, ages ago, before he met me. His exfiance agreed to give being his slave a shot if he was first her slave for a week.

I probably don’t have to tell you that he hated it. I’ve never really asked him – or her, for that matter – what happened that week. If I know (let’s call her) Mu, she made it miserable on purpose. And I know Mu. She was my best friend for about a year before she introduced me to M.

M says it gave him unique insight into the things a slave thinks and feels while under his or her owner’s control. He said it taught him what each emotion feels like to a powerless person and how they can be used to better control a person. Emotions like helplessness, dependency, need, arousal, adoration, hunger and even love. He says he’s not sure he’d be so good at getting inside my head if he hadn’t spent that week as a slave.

There are some who say that if you do choose to go this route, you should never allow yourself to be enslaved to someone you may later wish to own. I can see where this would pose a problem. I can’t imagine seeing M in a position of submission, other than his career.

Some people believe if you’ve taken ownership, you should start immediately making your slave dependent upon you. Putting him or her in a position where, not only do they not want to leave, but they don’t have the means. Things like taking control of personal bank accounts, having the slave quit his or her job, controlling relationships… Things most people consider signs of abuse in vanilla relationships.

Me? I think you should play around with it, starting out light, like SpicyWife and her guy. Add rules and see how they work out. Remove them if they make things uncomfortable.

Don’t start out 24/7. Maybe never go 24/7 if you don’t want to. Make it just a game. Or let it become who you are.

Set out your limits and negotiate a day where you remain in your roles for an extended period of time. Switch roles. See how long you can go without breaking your roles.

Try out a ritual or two. For more than a day. If after a week, you still hate it, then send it packing. But give it a fair shot.

Buy a cheap pet collar to see what it feels like to wear one and add to the ambiance. Up the ante from scarves and ties to nylon rope.

Experiment with voice control and honorifics and positions. Long periods of kneeling, if the submissive is up to it, and uncomfortable bondage.

Play with different types of slavery, like temporary total power exchange, or sexual enslavement, or high protocol, or pony play (which isn’t always a type of slavery but is sometimes). Don’t just pick one thing and stick to it without seeing if the others might not be fun.

My 24/7 relationship isn’t always fun because life isn’t always fun. There are bills to pay and emergencies and disagreements and misunderstandings. But that’s normal in any relationship. So don’t give up the first time you have a spat with your partner. Unless you really hate it. And then, by all means!

You are the tortoise. Be the tortoise.