A few weeks ago, Mark Oppenheimer wrote a piece for the New York Times that discussed the Congressman Weiner scandal, and what it says about the state of “marriage” in contemporary society.

Oppenheimer’s wife was asked by him which was worse, knowing her spouse had an affair, or him tweeting photos like Weiner’s wiener. She responded that an affair was at least normal. But in a relatively conservative, Puritanistic society, where we have politicians and right-wing news anchors saying that birth control shouldn’t be paid for by health insurance companies, while erection pills can be, how can we determine what is “normal” anymore?

Do you ever hear your grandparents talk about the “Good old days?” You remember those, right? The ones where half of the country didn’t have any civil rights, and women working outside of the home was frowned upon. Where societal expectations, and the “talk” of the neighborhood dictated the actions of families behind closed doors. Ahhh yes… those were the days. Weren’t they?

Today, those same “behind closed door” activities are more secret than ever, and the idea of “privacy” and lack of “front porch neighborhoods”, according to Robert Putnam, might be dividing us. But are those divisions presenting us with more sexual freedoms than ever before? Will those freedoms ultimately be what redefines what it means to be in a relationship?

With the creation of the online world, “sexual deviants” now have a place to express themselves, as well as a place to congregate, meet up, coordinate, and organize in-person events. The PTA mom can create one of the millions of personal porn sites and make extra money, or host Passion Parties to sell sex toys to her girlfriends. The images all over Tumblr can bring porn to your iPad when your outside the home. I even read a story a few months ago that talked about the social acceptability of romance novel reading in public, because now you can read them on a digital device instead of catching the judgmental eye of Grandma on the subway.

If you take it to the next level, the ability to hide means your sexual activities can be shrouded from view as well. When I was in college, I started playing around with a couple that lived in my town, and I told them that privacy was of the utmost importance. The husband agreed, saying that his public profile was fairly prominent and having someone who could be discreet coming to their house every week or so to play with him and his wife had to be on the down-low.

He once told me of a fetish party that was open to the public, but people in the community generally don’t talk about who is at the events. He said “the only reason they would know you were there is if they were too, and they don’t want that to get out either.” I’m moving to a place where I won’t have a roommate anymore, and a friend of mine said I can start having swingers parties. My response to her was “Shit… I’ll have to buy curtains and blinds.” Realistically – that’s all you need, and it looks no different than a quaint urban dinner party.

Finally, it can mean an adjustment in our personal relationships. Beyond swingers parties and easy accessibility to the online world, we have more potential to reset the traditional rules of monogamy. The good old days had underground brothels, ogling at secretaries, and women had little recourse if they wanted something different.

Sex columnist Dan Savage, of “Savage Love”, has long advocated a plan I’ll call “Monogamy Plus.” Couples today, can make their own rules that work for their own relationship. The NY Times piece linked above, discounts writers like Savage, because their theories exhibit a contrast to the tradition of the nuclear family. But what today’s increase in sexual freedom, and comfort with alternative sexualities brings is naturally a readjustment of the traditional coupling models.

When you look at gay and lesbian relationships, many times they’re modeled on the traditional straight relationships. One person plays one gender role, while the other plays the other gender role. The same is true for the coupling – two people each in traditional gender roles playing out a long-term monogamous relationship for the purpose of somehow developing a family and children.

What Savage and others propose is that it doesn’t have to be like that, and modern couples should all feel comfortable creating their own rules for their own relationships. Marriage doesn’t have to make you more conservative, traditional, with one partner FOR THE REST OF TIME, or institute bed-death; instead it can be two partners who agree to engage in a deeper sense of adventure together, with a sexuality that works for them. Relationships, in reality, are merely an agreement to care about each other – to love one another. The details are up to the individuals. Many straight couples are already doing this. So why can’t I, regardless of how I define my sexuality?

Since I started playing with men, I came to the realization that there’s no way I can ever be in a long-term relationship with a woman without a guy involved, and by contrast, there’s no way I could be in a straight relationship without a woman involved. Lesbians tend to not be as open to bringing in men, which is depressing because I love women so much. Men, by contrast, hear me say that I could never be in a long-term relationship with a guy without another woman involved, and everything after that somehow goes unheard……

I sometimes look at where I was 10 years ago, living my life as a full blown lesbian and buying into the traditional model of relationships, yet knowing it didn’t feel right, but I didn’t know why. I can’t believe I never thought of rejecting the whole concept of what a “relationship” was defined as. I hope my 10 years of self exploration can help others realize that you have other options available that you’ve never considered before. And just because you’re LGBT doesn’t mean you’re not still stuck in a traditional relationship model.

As I navigate the complexities of relationships with people who are comfortable making their own rules, I hope to find a guy who is comfortable with adventure, spontaneity, and breaking through the traditional convention of relationships. Oh… and lets me have a girlfriend.