“Sex has been called the original sin, but there is nothing original about it, nor is it sinful.”~ Osho

More often than not, I prefer what is called, the Missionary position. A terribly unsexy name, I must admit. It conjures up visions of Missionaries, and I’m not sure if they have a sensual connotation for you, but it’s not something I find sexy.

Having difficulty in imagining a so-called Missionary, I can only begin to imagine the dowdy brown tunics they must wear, and of course, the fabric isn’t made of silk. Silk robes, like the Chinese ones, might be sensual. The feeling of silk is suggestive of skin against skin, and the deliciousness of it all. Oh no, my Missionaries wear wool. Scratchy brown wool. The brown wool isn’t a lovely chestnut, nor is it espresso. It is brown. Without any imagination, whatsoever. Brown as blah as brown can be. And why bring Missionaries into the naming of sex positions if they won’t talk about it? It’s like naming ice cream flavors with someone who is lactose intolerant. Did Missionaries actually have sex? It a good question to ask if they are involving themselves as enforcers of sex positions that are, ahem, the proper way.

The myth of “Missionary Position”, the name, came into existence because of Christian Missionaries. Thus, the appellation “Missionary Position” was coined due to their teachings. They taught, like a celibate schoolmarm, that the “man-on-top” position was the only appropriate way to have sexual intercourse. They believed it should be face-to-face, “man-on-top” so all the semen flowed into the woman’s vagina properly enough to conceive. And, of course, that would be the only reason to have sex. Goodness.

We can only guess that Missionaries themselves weren’t doing it doggy style, or they would have chosen that position as the “only proper way”. The sole purpose for doing it in the first place was simply to make babies. Naturally. Horses do it from behind, and so do many animals, including our doggy friends. But it works for them. (I cannot imagine dogs or cats trying other positions). However, Bonobos monkeys, gorillas and armadillos do it Missionary style. Armadillos? I’m trying to imagine that.

In Western civilization, writing about sex (and sex positions) was generally frowned upon. Henry Miller and Anaïs Nin were daring and revolutionary writers, composing erotic stories for an unknown patron. Why, then, after such brave writers have written about sex, blazing the trail for sexual freedom, do we not rename this luscious position? Why do we still call it… Missionary?

Tuscan Italians call the position “Angelic Position,” which feels downright appropriate. It’s heavenly.

Historical sex position preferences are found to differ around the world for various reasons. The Greeks preferred it from behind. Marrying young girls, bending them over beds, and taking them was preferable. Of course, young boys were also favored this way. But that’s another subject entirely.

The Chinese were superstitiously inclined to choose “man-on-top”, due to their belief that males were born face down and females were born face up. Some Colombians liked the “man-on-top” position because the woman could hold still: if the woman moved during sex, the earth would fall, because the four giants who supported the earth on their shoulders would be shaken and therefore drop the planet. It took much female shaking to cause world disaster. Sex with the “man-on-top” was a primary safety precaution in Colombia. A woman should not move her pleasure-filled body, lest the world be ruined. Indians in Kerala believed the “man-on-top” position created warriors. Brazilian Indians avoided Missionary Position, as they preferred equality during sex, with neither partner above or under one another. The Balinese also avoided the “man-on-top” position and favored the “lotus position” with the man sitting and the woman squatting and moving her hips.

Curious to think about this wonderfully intimate position as approved of by the Medieval Catholic Church. And let’s not forget our friend Thomas Aquinas. Aquinas believed that it went against nature to have sexual intercourse in “unnatural” positions (with the “Missionary Position” being considered the only natural one). Everything else was full of sin and lust. Alright, Thomas. We like the idea of a little lust in our sexual explorations and pleasures. But maybe he didn’t like sex very much.

And while we are on the subject, why is the slang for penis a “John Thomas” anyway? Thinking of poor Thomas Aquinas, I think of his sad John Thomas, aching for a roll in the hay. And “Lady Jane” is 19th century slang for vagina? Of course, once again, because of our brave and daring writers! Dear D. H. Lawrence had to come up with names for sex organs in order to write about sex. He would have been much more adventurous if it wasn’t for the pressure of censorship.

“Thrusting alone is typically insufficient to bring a woman to orgasm: “What does bring her to climax is having a nice stiff penis in there, plus weight, pressure, and friction on her entire genital area (especially the clitoris), as well as on her thighs and stomach. It’s the way a man presses down on her, puts his weight on her, and rubs her with his body that makes her have an orgasm.” ~ Xaviera Hollander

I must agree with Xaviera Hollander, because that explanation is why I love the, um, Angelic Position.