In talking with many of my submissive friends, there seems to be general consensus that we share.  It’s an idea that we that seems so obvious, but lack on it strikes fear, disappointment and often times resentment.  In the BDSM community, in D/s relationships it’s a common thread of communication, but sadly, sometimes it’s something that lacks.

Accountability.
(n)  the state of being accountable,  liable, or answerable

It means, there are rules, everyone knows the rules, everyone is clear on the repercussions for breaking the rules. Lastly, it means, if the rules are broken, those repercussions had damn well better be carried out.  As a submissive, I rely on the fact that I will pay for my missteps.  I will absolutely suffer for my infractions.  Not because I am such a horrible person and every infraction is the biggest thing in the world- but because this is what I have agreed to.  I am an adult.  I made an agreement to enter into a relationship with a power exchange.  I have given myself to my Sir and I have agreed, consensually, to take deference to his decisions within the lines of what we have negotiated.  What I mean by that is, there are some things for which he holds no claim- my family, my children, my job.  The rest, all the way down to whether or not I cut my hair… I am to defer to his decision on.

If I decide to behave outside of this agreement, then I am behaving in a way that is non-consensual to our agreement.  I agreed to accept his collar in the spirit in which it was offered to me.  The spirit of obedience, humility, transparency and my identity as a slave.  When I behave in a way that is outside of that spirit, then I am acting in a way that is non-consensual to our agreement and I have, by taking his collar- given up my right to do that without repercussions.

I rely on that.  I trust it.  I know in my heart that if I start acting up, I will have consequences.  I am accountable for my behavior.  If I go out to a party with lifestyle people, get drunk, act a fool and start bad mouthing my Sir, I can be damned sure that I will pay for that.  I will accept my punishment because I am accountable for my behavior.

However, I also trust that my Sir WILL make me pay for my infraction.  He also needs to be accountable and responsible.  He has laid down rules for me- and if I break them, I trust him to not let me slide.  I trust him to NOT let me get away with behavior that is unacceptable.  I trust him to punish me in whatever way he deems appropriate.  If he fails to do that, then he is behaving in a way that is equally non consensual.  I agreed to accept his collar, he agreed to enforce the collar.  Just because I don’t LIKE the consequences does not mean I should not have them.  I have spoken to a few submissive friends who have said things like, “I wish he would push me harder.” or “I don’t understand why I have to make this decision- isn’t he the Dominant?” or “It doesn’t matter, he isn’t going to do anything about it”

It’s tragic, in my opinion.  It shows a lack of conviction in the Dominant.  It makes us lose respect for our Dominants.  As a slave, I expect my Master to keep my ass in line.  As soon as I lose faith in the idea that he will keep me in line- should I wander off, I have no choice but to drift from my role as a slave.  Why should I hold up my end of the bargain, if he’s not going to?  It’s human nature to push the boundaries- and if I have nobody to push back, then it’s chaos.

This past weekend I forgot something I was instructed to bring with me.  It was a sex toy that he wanted to use in our play this weekend.  He mentioned it several times during the day- don’t forget this.  Be sure to have this.  I had packed it in my purse.  Then about 5 minutes before I left the house, I had a brilliant idea to NOT bring my purse with me to the dungeon.  I grabbed my drivers license, my ATM card and my phone.  I didn’t need anything else right?

WRONG.

In the car ride, it occurred to me that my butt plug was in my purse.  My purse was sitting on my kitchen counter.  Damn.  Crap. FUCK!  So I told him this- and he shook his head at me.  He said, “Pumpkin, I reminded you several times.”   He really didn’t seem angry or irritated by it and he was silent for a few moments before he said, “I will think on the appropriate punishment for this.”

Wait?  Punishment?  My mind was racing, why am I getting punished?  He isn’t even mad.  He doesn’t care about this.  It’s of no consequence really.  It’s my ass!!  What is the big deal?  Jeez- what a hard ass!

I asked if we could go back to get it- and he said “No.”  I got quiet, and even when he reached over and held my face and said, “Pumpkin, I’m not mad at you- but there are consequences for your actions.”

I replied with a sincere, “Yes Sir.” and waited for my fate.

As it turns out, the punishment was not so horrible.  I was to approach his mentor and ask her how she punishes her slaves for an infraction like mine.  I realized this would do two things for me.  It would make me admit to another dominant that I respect that I had screwed up and was paying the consequence for it and it would also give me an idea of what punishment might be in store for me if I were to make a similar mistake again.  I accepted this task, but when I went inside to speak to his mentor, she was already busy and would be for at least an hour.  I went back outside to report to him that this was the case and he said I could talk to her later.

Then he said he will be inside in a bit and we can play.

“A bit” turned into 20 minutes, 35 minutes, 45 minutes.  I went outside to check on him, and he said, “One more smoke.”  I knew this meant another 20 minutes.  I went inside, turning my pouty face away from him.  I felt that I was being made to wait- that I was being punished farther than what he said my punishment was. I felt horrible.  I felt like my infraction had so hurt him that he didn’t want to play with me.

I know, you’re thinking, it was a fucking butt plug right???

Well, to understand my thinking, you have to understand me.  I strive for perfection.  I hate punishment.  I hate being in trouble so much so that I will usually do whatever it takes to anticipate things that MIGHT get me in trouble so I don’t have to hear those words or that feeling of someone being disappointed in me.  He knows and expects my obedience and he so often tells me how awesome and great I am.  All of a sudden I can’t remember something so simple, and something that I really ENJOY.  What the hell is wrong with me?”

By the time he came back inside, I had beat myself up to the point of tears.  As soon as he looked in my eyes and asked what was wrong, I started to cry.  I apologized over and over.  I told him I was so sorry that I was forgetful and distracted.  I was sorry that I was being selfish and not wanting to carry anything tonight which is why I left the toy at home.  As I cried into his shoulder, I thought, He’s going to leave me someday because I can’t follow the most basic orders.

He immediately pulled me aside.  I sat down at his feet and he let me cry, and then he talked to me.  He reassured me that I was not to let this ruin my night and that it was not ruining his night.  He said I was a very good girl, and that he is so proud of how I behave all the time.  That I honor him constantly and how much he loves me.  I know that he realized just how hard this was for me.  He now understood that I really WASN’T kidding when I told him how hard I take punishments- not because I don’t want to suffer my consequences, but because I just have the state of having done something that required consequences.

I sat with him and cried a little longer until I felt better, which included some time for me to feel guilty for making him deal with me and my crying fit.  Then I got up, brushed my dress off and we went outside.  He then turned to me and said, “My mentor is available now.  Why don’t you do what you’ve been instructed and then we can move on with the night.”

I thought for a second, “Oh- I STILL have to do that?  Doesn’t he know that I’m sorry enough?  Haven’t I suffered enough?”  I put my bottom lip out at him for second and then I immediately realized it the greater lesson of the night.  Just like I am accountable for my behavior, so is he.  He gave me an order and if he didn’t make me carry that out- then he was not being accountable.  I respected him even more for this.  For me, accountability is the state of being responsible for my actions.  It means that my mistakes are mine and not anyone else’s.  It means that I know what my expectations are and that I will suffer the consequences for failing to meet those expectations.  For my Sir, it means almost the same thing with a few minor situational adjustments.  It means say what you mean, and mean what you say.  It means, don’t make promises you don’t intend to carry out.  It means, don’t make threats you won’t hold to.

Tears and regret do not negate accountability.

After I spoke with his mentor, I went back outside and reported to him, her answer.  Then I hugged him and thanked him for holding me to my punishment.  I thanked him for his conviction and his accountability.  I highly doubt that I will forget my toy again, but the lesson here was a much bigger one than I expected.

Submissives are not the only ones who have a bargain to uphold.  We are not the only ones who must act according to our station.  We want, we need and we crave for our Dominants to have conviction.  We want our Dominants to give us boundaries, and hold us up to them.  Without that, the submissives take over the dungeon, so to speak- and the role of the Dominant becomes useless.  I am sure I could speak for many others, but for myself – the thought that my Dominant would fail to do the job that he has agreed to do is almost a worse infraction than I could ever do.  The Dominant sets the tone, the Dominant drives the relationship.  If the dynamic is allowed to run off course, I think the consequences and potentially bad outcome of that are far worse for the Dominant than any punishment I may have to be accountable for.