Being a sex toy junkie has its disadvantages. For one thing, I’ve been running out of storage space. I’ve got 3 locking cabinets for keeping my toys and movies away from prying eyes, and they are overflowing. I’ve moved my DVDs onto spindles to free up space. I’ve even got toys (waterproof, of course) and lubes stashed in the bathrooms. But I need more space. For another thing, I’m being overrun by batteries.

I should buy stock in Duracell or EverReady. Even Rayovac or Sunbeam. Hell, I should start my own battery manufacturing company and take free batteries as my share of the profits. I buy so many batteries I think I’m keeping these companies in business all by myself. I have drawers overflowing with double-A, triple-A, C, and D. There’s watch batteries, 9-volt, and N2 batteries as well. I don’t buy batteries in 4 packs any more: multipacks of 16 will get me by. For a while. Every time I go to the store I throw a pack of batteries in my cart.

Now, before you ask what toys use 9-volt and D batteries (and if you know of some, please share where I can find them!), I do actually buy batteries for other things. There are smoke detectors, carbon monoxide detectors, and cordless screwdrivers that need power. So do my Elliptical and my recumbent bike.

Sometimes I feel like I’m being taken over by the Tommyknockers. If you don’t know, The Tommyknockers was a novel written by Stephen King back in 1987. It was about some people in the town of Haven, Maine who found part of a spaceship sticking out of the ground and started to dig it up. The strange gas the spaceship released began to affect everyone with a kind of odd genius. They began to make devices that did some pretty horrific things, sometimes killing themselves in the process. One guy even managed to create a device for his magic show that transported his young helper into another dimension.

And the really funky inventions all ran on batteries. Pretty soon the town used every battery in sight to make their strange and deadly devices, so they began to harness the battery power that could be generated from animate objects. That’s brains. Dog brains and people brains, to be precise. The story didn’t have a very happy ending.

Sometimes I forget to stock up on a particular size, and then the toy I’m using goes dead. As I scramble, digging through drawers for 6 more AAs, I wonder how I forgot to add them to my shopping list. Or I wonder if I did buy some, and my husband just had to use them for the flashlights and cordless tools. Or my kids nabbed them for the remote control or Barbie house.

Using rechargeables doesn’t help. Most of these items don’t work well with rechargeable batteries. Most of my toys don’t seem to, either. Even if they work in the toy, guess what I forget to do? Yep. They don’t do me any good when they’re in the charger and haven’t been charged.

One of these days I’ll only have rechargeable toys. The ones I have are mostly a godsend. They can be left charging without worrying about overcharge. And then they’re ready to go any time, as long as they make it back to the charger. Except for a few of them, which can only be charged for 2 or 3 hours. These toys are a problem. I’m so afraid of overcharging I forget to plug them in at all. And then I’m right back where I started. Needing batteries.

I really need to buy a battery factory. Anybody got a battery factory for sale, cheap? Or want to donate your brain?