Kinky Pride
Posted by TitsMcScandal
I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut. I like to talk to people about everything. I am definitely an extrovert. Which became a problem when I started a kinky relationship; I was faced with the problem of keeping my mouth shut or possibly alienating friends. I hear that quite commonly kinksters have two issues. One, they don’t tell their friends and feel bad because they feel like they are lying or hiding an important part of themselves. Two, they tell their friends and it is not received well.
I started my first real kinky relationship when I was 18 and still in high school. I had many friends, but really only a handful of whom I really was considering telling about my newfound kinky lifestyle. Being the open person that I am, it was killing me not to tell them. At the same time these people meant so much to me that I felt like an awful friend for not saying anything. I was lying by omission, or at least that’s what I felt.
So, I took my time and thought about it. I realized that if I cared so much about these people that I couldn’t hide such an important part of my life with them. I had five people that I felt like I needed to tell that were close friends of mine.
I told one and she pretty much had the reaction of, cool but I don’t need to know about it. Another was slightly intrigued and we laughed about some things. She even refers to herself as a vanilla around me now. However we don’t really talk about it. So, two know but don’t really care. It didn’t lower their opinion of me; it didn’t stop them from being their friends.
The other three had a much different reaction. The one boy I told [my closest guy friend] asked me every question under the sun. He deemed it ‘awesome’ but not for him. He still asks me about it from time to time. He is great about it, and I love that I opened up to him. I really think it brought us closer as friends. Another friend I told immediately deemed me the supreme all knowing person on kinky things. She texts me about once a week asking different questions, she is a beginner kinkster herself. Although she is very much still in the kinkster closet, she doesn’t want to admit to be kinky but loves having a kinky friend who she can poke and prod for questions.
The last friend I told was my best friend. I knew all along that I would tell her. However, once I did tell her I was so happy with her reaction. She accepted me, kinky and all. With her I am completely open with my kinky doings. With everyone else there is still a filter in place. There are certain activities that I don’t talk about because they are a bit extreme. However, with her, I am completely open. I bared my soul to her and I am so fortunate that she loves me for who I am.
I was extremely fortunate to have such great friends that accept me, no matter if I like getting choked while having sex or not. Not every kinky person is so lucky. I have had my fair share of rejection because of my kinky activities too. When some of my family members found out [found out, I was not willing to tell in the instance of my family] I immediately became the black sheep. I was even kicked out of my home. So, I have dealt with both the acceptance and the rejection that comes along with people knowing about my kinkiness.
Telling your friends and family about your kink isn’t the right path for everyone. It is not easy to be rejected when you tell someone that you enjoy some wilder things. Actually, it damn well hurts. However, the acceptance that I have gotten from my friends is amazing. I will never regret telling anyone. I don’t leave my kink in the bedroom, it is a core part of who I am, I believe. If I was rejected because of who I am, I am okay with that. I am proud of who I am, I am proud to be a kinkster. I am proud of my friends who accept me. I do still hope that my family will one day accept me too, but for the time being I will continue living my life with the best friends in the world.
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I don’t have anyone to tell. You’re lucky you have a friend. There are so many feelings and emotions tied up in my lifestyle choice and it’s difficult to talk about them, even just myself. That’s why I write about it. I don’t know why, but reading my thoughts on paper is easier than saying them in my head. Maybe the whole bit where I’m worried about grammar distracts me from what’s really going on, I don’t know.
Also, an 18 year old submissive in high school would be totally hot. lol
It’s great that your friends were so accepting! That’s so often not the case.
.-= Sammi´s last blog ..HNT: Simple Black & White =-.
Yeah, I was really lucky with my friends and not so lucky with my family. But you can’t choose your family, so I’m lucky that I can surround myself with accepting friends.
I’ve gotta say, I’m a Professional Domme and as much as I enjoy being candid about what I do, I don’t get the idea that it needs to be announced to people it doesn’t involve.
When a person comes out about being gay, it’s because no one should have to hide who they love, it’s not about *how* they love. While I will stand by an adult’s right to do what they want with consensual adults in the privacy of their bedroom, it’s also important to respect the limits of people who are uncomfortable hearing about it.
There are opportunities enough to have candid conversations about sex that happen naturally. Movies and television provide great opportunities for making comments and testing waters to see who shares interests without pushing your sex-life on people who don’t care to hear about it.
Respect is a two-way street. If you want it for yourself, you need to show it to other people.. especially when they don’t agree with you. Tolerance isn’t tolerance if you only have it for people who share your values.
I’m fine with respecting the limits of people who are uncomfortable hearing about it. I mentioned that two of my dear friends don’t care. I don’t discuss it with them, but they are extremely close to me and I wasn’t about to hide it from them.
Movies and television? I’d like to know what movies and television you are thinking of that can prompt kinky discussion in an open and positive way. Most show kink in an extremely negative light.
I am tolerant of people who don’t share my values. If any of my friends had a negative reaction, I would have respected them for it. I needed to tell them for my own sake.
My kink is a core part of who I am. It is how I live my life.
I was kicked out of my home for being kinky. KICKED OUT. As in, no home, no shelter, nothing. I think I know a thing or two about when people don’t agree with me. Do you hear me say anything negative about people who don’t agree with me? No. I say- “Telling your friends and family about your kink isn’t the right path for everyone.” It isn’t. However, it was ultimately the only path for me.
I don’t shove it in people’s faces. I don’t introduce myself to new people as kinky or a slave. No. What I did do was tell my best friends. Not my acquaintances, not random people, my best friends. That’s what this article was about. My fortune in being accepted.
.-= jonsbabydoll´s last blog ..E[Lust] 11 =-.
There are many films I can’t begin to list them all.. Google BDSM in film and you’ll come up with many lists kinksters have put together covering mainstream, popular film, tv, and music.
I read what you posted about your parents and no where did you see me argue the point that they were reasonable in kicking you out. I’m sorry to hear you had such a negative reaction to something that should not have been brought to them in the first place. I’m afraid it doesn’t address the content of my original post though.
My point was two fold, one, that I don’t understand the feeling that you would be hiding anything if you did not tell them. Yes, being kinky is a part of who we are, but it is not the whole of who we are. I would no sooner think to tell a friend “I like it rough” than I would think to tell them I shaved my legs that morning. It simply isn’t relevant to any part of my relationship with them. It’s not hiding.. it’s just not relevant.
Secondly, that it’s polite and respectful to approach the subject with subtlety until you have reason to believe a person shares your interests. Anyone who’s been to college or taken a high school communications class has heard the first rule of effective communication is to consider your audience. In other words,to know enough about them to predict whether they will be receptive to your message in the way you are presenting it.
From the way you described your coming out, I took it that you brought forth surprising information to people without first trying to determine how it would be received. If I’m mistaken, I apologize, but it seemed to me the person who said she didn’t need to know, and whoever it was that told your family, were showing their discomfort with having heard. Ergo, you did not establish before hand, through more subtle methods, what their feelings would be on the subject. In my opinion this is, just a little bit, pushing your sex-life on them.
Again, if I’m mistaken, and you had reason to believe your friends would be interested in how you prefer your sex or in kink in general, forgive me. I didn’t get that from your original post.
If, however, I’m correct. I hope you will consider in the future feeling out the subject before telling people. Just as much as you need to tell, they may need to not hear it.
In response to the films/television aspect, if people aren’t receptive to the lifestyle, what makes you think that they would even watch something with that content to even start a conversation?
See, perhaps that is where you and I differ, being kinky [or rather being a slave] is a core part to who I am. I would give up some of my dreams for it, I would give up lots of things for it. Because it is one of the most important things to me. So perhaps that is where you and I differ. This isn’t like shaving my legs in the morning, or being interested in pursuing knitting, this is a defining point to me. Therefore, for me, it is especially relevant for my closest friends to know. Because if they didn’t know, then I would be lying to them. At least that’s how I felt.
It is polite to approach it with subtlety. But I don’t think a person having the same interests has jack to do with it. The girl who didn’t need to know about it, meant about my actual activities. I’m sorry if I didn’t make that clear in the posts. We talk in broad strokes about sex and sexuality [she actually has Domme characteristics that she has explored in small doses and wants to explore further]. So really, having the same interests is a moot point.
I, in no way, pushed my sex life on my friends. Trust me, even to be around me for a little bit would involve discussions about sex. It is one of my biggest fascinations [sex/sexuality/sex education] and something I am extremely passionate about. So to even get to a level where I would consider someone a best friend means they’ve already had their ear talked off about sex. So really, broaching this subject with them did not shock any of them.
My family is another story entirely. There are a handful of family members who still are in contact with me, but for the most part, nothing.
Most of the people I associate with now [that I'm not in high school] are kink/sex friendly. Which is pleasant for me. Even my new job made mention of excitement of a pride event going on soon. [which for being in the bible belt where 75% of people are condemning the event is huge]
No apologies are needed, I apparently wasn’t clear in my article.
.-= jonsbabydoll´s last blog ..E[Lust] 11 =-.
I don’t think people outside the scene watch films about kink.. I know they do. People always watch movies about things they aren’t involved in.. that’s how the Saw movies can be mainstream. There are many “mainstream” movies reaching a general audience that are about kinky relationships or have aspects of kink to them. In the past few years, off the top of my head, plenty of people saw The Notorious Betty Page, and Quills. And anyone who has seen Family Guy knows kink has made it into prime time TV. Again, often as a punch line, but still, it lends itself to a comment here or there which can lead to a natural conversation.
If you think my opinions differ from yours because kink is a “core part” of you and somehow a lesser part of me, you’re mistaken. I did not become a professional Domina because it was an idle interest. Anyone who does this for a living can tell you it is not a decision you make lightly or without sacrifice.
I was not comparing kink to shaving my legs to diminish its part in my life, I was illustrating that it is not a secret I’ve shaved my legs, just because I didn’t mention it, nor is it a secret I’m a Domme just because I haven’t brought it to someone’s attention.
BDSM practices usually are the punchline, or are misconstrued [such as being the killer in shows like Law & Order]. It leads to laughs, and thoughts that all people in our lifestyle are crazy/killers. I’ve had my mother tell me that she thinks kink people are cannibals, where did she think that from? Television shows. So the media that you are touting should promote discussion is actually harming us in the average nonkink person’s eyes. I’m not saying it’s not possible, but from what I’ve seen and have talked about, most media is not good for starting discussions with nonkinksters.
It may be a core part of you, after all it is something you’ve chosen to do with your life. I’m saying that it is a core part of who I am, and I could not lie to my closest friends about it. And yes, I do regard not telling them lies [of omission].
.-= jonsbabydoll´s last blog ..E[Lust] 11 =-.