Being a college student, I find myself amidst many lovely, thoughtful, and encouraging conversations. I have found that my professors, for the larger part of my academic career so far, have been very wonderful, and intelligent people. They have been great pillars to lean on during my college years thus far. However, I’m afraid that I cannot say such for my Literature professor this semester.

I had the displeasure of wearing my new Herringbone collar to class one day, and have my teacher decide to go off on a tangent about sadomasochism. He openly declared in the middle of class that everyone who is a sadist, or a masochist, is mentally ill. He took it one step further to say that everyone who is a sadomasochist, is not only mentally ill, but that they “all” want to murder, rape, or beat someone half to death to receive sexual gratification. In all honesty, he really made himself look like an ass. After thinking about this for some time, I realized that it isn’t just my professor who views it that way.

My second class that day was my Educational Psychology class. This one contained no discussion on sadomasochism or anything of the like. However, when I tried to talk to my professor after class, he completely avoided eye contact with me. He seemed very uncomfortable, and hurried through what I needed to talk to him about, and then took great strides to get down the hall ahead of me. I can’t help but feel like he was trying to do a psychological profile on me without even talking to me. To be honest, it made me really uncomfortable. Though, it isn’t going to stop me from wearing my collar any time I want to. It’s my life, not theirs. In these situations you really have to be able to stand up for yourself. If you don’t, your just going to be used as a door mat. I’ll be damned if I’m going to ever let anyone walk all over me like that. I spent a good portion of my teens being told by everyone, who I was and what I was going to do. I won’t tolerate that any longer. I am my own person. Just as you are your own person too.

Now that I’ve bashed enough of my professors, I’d like to make an honorable mention of one in particular that has always been open minded. Around campus he’s known as “Dr. Love”. He has definitely been, over the years, the student advocate to the University against issues. In the 70’s, he protected the students during riots, and disagreed with the University denying them their right to protest. These days he teaches classes on diversity and acceptance. He really is an extraordinary man, and the good he has done with his life is outrageous. He reminds me of being just an old hippie. Long grey hair, sunglasses, and wears flip-flops all year round. When it’s cold, he’ll wear regular shoes and change them out as soon as he gets into his class room. He also paints his toenails, which makes it fun to see what sort of color, or design, he has on for that day. He is the one teacher on campus that I know if I go to with a problem, like the one I’ve had with my previously mentioned professors, will understand.

The media seems to go out of its way to portray sadomasochists, such as myself, as “evil beings” who only wish to “hurt others”. Take “Criminal Minds” for example. Almost every show makes mention of “sexual sadists” when it comes to murder. The media’s idea of sadists and masochists does not do any sort of favor to our plight. If the time was spent, there are many more examples of sadism and masochism being shown in a very negative light that can be found, everywhere.

Sexual sadism and masochism is very misunderstood in our society. Being a sadist, or a masochist, or both, should not automatically classify you as a mentally ill person who is in danger of harming others. At least in ways they won’t like. I have never hurt another person during sex who did not like pain, and did not want pain. Nor have I ever nearly beat them to death in doing so. However, when you try to voice your opinion on the matter, you are automatically described as someone who is mentally unstable.

I wish that there was a way that we could educate people about being into “S and M”. Then again, I suppose it’s just the new big fad for people to “hate” on. Look at history. There has always been one group or another who’ve been persecuted because of either religious beliefs, sexuality, or race. Now that being gay/lesbian/transgender/bisexual is more acceptable, and people are beginning to understand it, they have to find something else that they feel is “out-right wrong”. I would love to say that one of these days, the world is going to be an accepting, loving world. That no matter what your difference is from the next person, you will be treated and respected as you would like to be. Sadly, this isn’t true. There will always be that human reaction to differences, that creates such situations like the one I had in my class room.

I am not ashamed of being a sadomasochist. It is something that I enjoy thoroughly. Despite what any sort of teacher, the media, or psychiatrist says, I find nothing wrong in being so. Everyone is different in their own way, and as long as it does not ruin the life of another, we should be left alone with our differences. Human nature is to not accept change, or differences. However, it is the changes in our lives, and our differences, that make us an original, diverse group of people. Without those changes, and differences, we would be a “black and white” sort of people, plain and not entertaining.

There is also a lot of propaganda when it comes to being a “Dominant” or a “submissive” person. It seems to be the general consensus outside of the BDSM community, that if you are a submissive person, you are so because you have been abused and beaten down into that position by your significant other. There are of course, situations where this does happen. These are not generally healthy relationships. If you are a submissive person, and are in a situation where you are being beat relentlessly by the person you think you love, you should take yourself out of that situation. It isn’t healthy. In a healthy Dom/me and sub situation, you should never have to fear for your life. You should be able to trust your Dom/me, and know that they will never brutally hurt you.

People don’t understand the amount of respect and trust that is contained in a Dom/me/me/sub situation. A submissive will always have their own mind, actions, and limits. They are in this position because they want to be, not because they were forced to be.

Being a dominant person, or a submissive person, is built into each person’s intended nature. Having that be part of your nature isn’t something you think of very often. But it is, just like everything else is. There are many times, however, that you cannot tell if a person is a submissive. Many tend to put on personas to hide themselves from people who are truly mentally ill, such as those who rape, murder, and nearly beat people to death. There are many walls we put up to protect who we truly are from people who wish to hurt us. I do not wish to say that there are not these types of people in the “S and M” society, because there are. However, it is only a very small portion of our society. Yet, because we have these types of people in our society, they are the only ones that get the limelight, and are exposed to the Vanilla Society. This creates fear and panic, resulting in negative feelings.

I am neither a Dom/meme, or a sub. I find myself to be more of a switch. There are some people who I am Dom/me-inant to the core with. Then, there are others where I find myself in the submissive role. With being a switch, I’ve learned how things are on both sides. I know what is comfortable for me as a submissive, and I know how far I can push as a Dom/meme. When it comes to “S and M”, Dom/me/me and sub, being consensual, being safe, and being sane is a must. Trust and respect are very important factors, and relationships can be often ruined by the lack of the three things previously mentioned. No one wants to ruin a good relationship. It just takes good communication, and the ability to let the other partner know what is too much, or too hard.

Since I am a switch, and a bisexual, many people claim that I just “can’t make up my mind”. Perhaps this is true, but it doesn’t change the fact that I love a broad range of experiences, and the only way for me to have that broad range is to be a switch, or be a bisexual. Being a switch still includes me in the BDSM community, just as being bisexual includes me in the LGBT community. There have been people that have told me in the past that I do not count in either community, because of my stances in them. Are they right? Hardly. Again, those who do not understand, or do not know, will pass judgments that they believe are right, even if they are wrong.

Vanilla society has many fears about the Dom/me/me and sub society. People have a tendency to fear what they do not know, and what they do not understand. I could spend the next five pages explaining their fears, but I will be respectful enough not to rant too much about the subject. Vanilla society has a generalized problem with “S and M”, and Dom/me/me/sub society, because they do not understand the fine line between “S and M” and abuse. Abuse is never consensual, and it hurts a person in ways that they do not wish to be hurt. Abuse tends to leave emotional scarring that will never really be healed. “S and M” is a consensual, safe practice, that is enjoyable for all those involved.

With the Dom/me/sub situations, Vanilla society rages about equality. In a healthy Dom/me/me/sub situation, there should be no worry about equality. There is still the healthy understanding that both parties are human, prone to mistakes, and are still equal on many levels. The only power a Dom/me has, is power that the sub wishes them to have. Power that the submissive completely trusts to allow their Dom/me to have, because they know their Dom/me will not hurt them. In these situations, a Dom/me should always have their submissive’s best interest in mind.

Vanilla society also tends to believe that all Dom’s are male. It’s quite obvious that they’re not. There is also the belief that every Dom/me is abusive, and only wish to hurt their sub. Both of which are completely untrue. As I have said before, in healthy relationships there isn’t the fear of being hurt. There is only trust between the Dom/me and sub, and if the relationship is a situation where the sub is receiving unwanted amounts of pain, it is unhealthy. No one should be in fear of being sent to the Emergency Room because of their significant other. Safety is a must. Being consensual, is a must. If these aren’t taken into consideration, there are many dangers that can arise.

In conclusion, people fear what they do not understand. This is why BDSM communities receive so much scrutiny. Those in Vanilla societies are eager to point their fingers, and bash anything that doesn’t fit into the perfect world that they believe that they live in. There will always be that group that is frowned upon. This year it’s people who are gay, people who are into BDSM, and when the fad of that wears off, it will be something new. So I simply wish to stress to everyone who doesn’t understand these situations, to learn about it before they decide to make their own decision on it. If you let media, and ideas of teachers who really don’t know, make the decisions for you, you will have a very skewed vision of the world.

Being who you are is very important because it is nature. Never let the thoughts and fears of others influence who you are in a negative way. Your differences, and your ideas, are what sets you apart from other people. We are not “cookie cut” humans. We come in a variety of shapes, sizes, backgrounds, and even sexual preferences. If we didn’t have these differences we would all be the same. I would personally hate living in a world where everyone is exactly alike. It would be dull and boring!

There will always be fears in Vanilla society about being into “S and M”, or being Dom/me/sub. What it boils down to, is how you react to the treatment they give. It seems to be that they get a thrill out of disliking you for it, and the better job you do avoiding letting them have that satisfaction, the better it will be for you.

If you practice BDSM, and the like, please practice it safely. Use your mind to decide if what you are doing is sane, and make sure that it is consensual. One day people will understand this community, and things will get better. It isn’t an easy road to travel down, but if it is what fits your fancy, to deny it is to deny yourself. It is as much a part of your nature as anything else in your life is. People are going to talk and “backstab” as much as they want, because it is in their nature as well. Harsh feelings and broken friendships are something that are always going to be there. I wish we could all grow out of the high school gossiping, judgmental bullshit we go through in our younger years, but not everyone does. There will always be that group of people who feel that another group should be persecuted because of their belief system, sexual preferences, or race. All we can do is preach to the choir, as I have done with this reading. Preach love, acceptance, and understanding to everyone about different lifestyles, and try to make the world a better place. Over all, an age old saying comes to mind. “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me. So tie me up and throw me down, and show me that you like me.”