I’ve noticed a disturbing trend in kinky/fetish circles lately, and it’s the notion that “kink” is a four-letter word that is synonymous with BDSM. I’ve got news for you (though hopefully most of you already know this): A lot more than those four letters fit into “kink.”

Although Eden Cafe is a pretty well-rounded place, I even see it here at rare times, with a tweet about it, or post on it emphasizing “kink” in a relationship, but really being about the bondage/discipline/sadism/masochism scene alone. But I’ve seen it most particularly in online venues that are supposedly oriented toward kinks and fetishes in general, but which end up being almost all about the ropes, whips, chains and so on.

Well, kinky may mean twisted and tangled (much like fetish or fringe sexual behaviors), but there are curves and kinks aplenty to be found in more than those chain links, whip braids, fancy knots and more.

I’ve talked about what I see as the dangers of exclusionary and parochial attitudes in the kinky sexual scene before (like in my “Of Prurience, Pretension and Prudishness” article here at Eden Cafe), and I guess this article is kind of a sequel to that one.

You might wonder: Why do I let it bother me? Simple: With people already making judgments about our sexual choices, we simply don’t need to be divisive among sexually open circles. Yet we are.

For example, I and my wife spend a decent amount of time online at FetLife, which is kind of like a combination of Facebook and Yahoo! Groups for kinky folks. It seemed like a great place for us to be, to connect locally or just virtually with people who might share our kinks, or simply appreciate kink in general. On that social networking site, you can adopt any number of titles, like Dom, Sub, Switch, Sadist and Masochist. Now, you might say, “See, it’s a BDSM site…why are you there if you’re not waaaaaay into BDSM?” But it’s NOT a site just for BDSM. Because, you see, you can also adopt the title of Kinkster, which is what my wife and I did. Also, you are encouraged to list your fetishes of interest, and there are a HUGE number to choose from, many of which I’d never heard of before, and a huge chunk of them (most of them, I think) NOT being specifically BDSM-oriented.

And yet, in one group on that site, a “classifieds” posting section for people in my state, a guy posted a thread recently looking for a kinky couple that could play with him and his partner. He wasn’t necessarily looking for heavily kinky activity right out of the starting gate, but wanted to find some locally (or at least sort-of local) people to play with who were sexually open-minded.

What he got were a lot of responses that he’s posting in the wrong place, and should probably join one of the swingers groups and post the request there. This, in my opinion, is ridiculous. First off, it’s a general classifieds group, and it’s specific to his state. Therefore, it should be the perfect place to post his interest/need. Instead, BDSM people, who predominate at FetLife, came out to criticize him, marginalize him, and explain to him how uncouth his request was. As one sympathetic commenter pointed out, mentioning “sex” in threads like that is often met with ridicule by BDSM folks who see the idea of sex as sullying their BDSM experience, and he saracastically (though pretty accurately) noted that if he had said he was looking for people to pee on, be peed on by, hit or be hit by, he would have had better luck. I saw a similar outpouring of shunning behavior when a guy posted in the same group looking for a cumslut.

BDSM is a category of kink and fetish, and a pretty broad one, since it includes rope play, dom/sub activity, orgasm denial, spanking, whipping, beating, knife play, fire play, cupping, needle play, hooks, blood play, humiliation, simulated rape, and a multitude of others.

So, I get a bit pissed when I see people trying to take the terms “fetish” and “kink” and make them all about BDSM. I don’t deny that BDSM aficionados (and experts, beginners, posers, wanna-bes and more) are probably the biggest single group of kink and fetish folks, but that doesn’t make them the only group—nor even the majority overall.

I mean, there is golden shower/watersports activity, which often has nothing to do with BDSM (though it overlaps with it, just as the smoking fetish I enjoy does at times). There is furry sex. There is foodplay of all sorts of kind, plus other wet-and-messy stuff involving oil, mud, slime, etc. There is tickling. There are foot fetishes. Corset, stocking, panty and nylon fetishes. Leather and latex fetishes that might have nothing to do with a dom or sub wearing them. Lipstick fetishes, and other makeup fetishes. Feminization and adult baby play. Dirty talking and sensory deprivation or overstimulation. Medical fetishes. Enemas. Need I go on?

If you want your online social community to be about people with kinks, let people of all kinks seek and find what they want, instead of trying to co-opt as many areas as possible for BDSM. If you just want a place for BDSM folks to hang out, you should create a place called DungeonLife or something like that (and maybe there is a DungeonLife.com; I’m not currently enjoying a connection to my wi-fi as I write this, so I couldn’t say). There are plenty of places for specific kinds of kinksters and fetishists, and that’s great, but I go to FetLife and places like it for the generality. Instead of trying to force people into corners and boxes, and shove them away, why can’t we have a place where all of us “sexual oddballs” can gather?

I think we have a lot to learn from one another. I like being around other kinky people, whether in the physical world or the virtual one, because I might learn of things I never thought I’d be interested in before. Or I might find areas in which we overlap, and there might be much we can share. I might just be able to learn some new terms and situations that will simply expand my knowledge.

And yet it seems we have cliques instead, with the BDSM clique often being like the jocks/cheerleaders who spurn the art geeks, drama kids, nerds, geeks, emo folks, etc. While they may not all be mean, they are often exclusionary to those “outsiders.” More than that, though, they often seem to want to dominate the community (pun fully intended) and make every place in which they appear their own, even when it’s supposed to be a place for anyone with a kink or fetish.

I often find the same dynamic when I go to munches in my area. While I understand that mostly BDSM folks are going to show up at munches, I am dismayed by the way you get looked at weirdly and semi-shunned when other folks find out you have an interest in swinging, or don’t like pain, or don’t get why the rope bondage parties never involve any “happy endings.” I’d like to go to munches knowing that we can all share what turns us on…NOT to hear endless stories almost SOLELY about how best to tie someone up, where to buy your floggers and paddles, and how to make your own punishment and torture implements. Seriously, that’s 95% of the fetish/kink talk I hear. I still like going to the munches to have general chit-chat among people who aren’t uptight about sex talk, but I end up feeling like an outsider because I’m not in the “cool” crowd of the hard-core BDSM types.

And you know, it’s not that I don’t want to hear about your BDSM exploits and tips. I love it. Bring it on at the munch that I was welcomed to when you knew I was kinkster and not anything BDSM-focused. I’m not going to assume you’re a violent, deviant freak unless you start showing evidence that you are. I know I’m around folks who are mostly doms or subs, and that’s cool. I take you as you are. But when I mention I’ve been to swinging events, too, in addition to munches, don’t give me this look like, “Oh, you want to have meaningless sex with multiple people instead of enjoying the purity of S&M and bondage where sex hardly ever enters the equation.” Sure, they don’t openly SAY that to me or my wife, but the vibe is clear, particularly when reinforced by later posts they make online basically talking that same kind of shit about swingers.

The irony? I’m not even a swinger, really. Nor my wife. We are in an open relationship. Not just open to multiple partners, but to many new avenues of sexual exploration. We’ve declined to set hard-and-fast rules with each other, and have agreed to consider almost everything and try things at least once. We are open to swinging. We are open to polyamory. We are open to kinky monogamy. We are open to more than that.

General fetish online venues and munches that are open to all kinky folks should be places I can feel safe and welcome, rather than places I am marginalized.

I’m sure I stand a good chance of hearing from folks in the comments section below who will either tell me “I don’t do that” (which is great, but there are nearly enough people like you in the so-called general fetish venues and events I’ve been to) or you’ll say “We’re the majority; we set the agenda.”

To that latter group, I have to ask, “Why must you control or co-opt the agenda?”

I mean, BDSM folks often have private parties after the munches, to which they are only going to invite the people they like and feel comfortable. Totally understand that; so why marginalize the non-BDSM folks DURING the munch? You’ll get to do all the coolest stuff (to you) when they aren’t around anyway. Also, why take over a place like FetLife and make non-BDSM folks out to be shallow weirdos, when most of the world thinks you’re a deviant freak? We should be sticking together.

The problem with taking over general terminology and places that are meant to be for broader communities (or should be for broader communities) is that you homogenize things just as unfairly and unnecessarily as any fundie religious type that calls you degenerate for doing anything that isn’t missionary style with your spouse for the purpose of procreation.

When you make America just about white folks, you are wrong. When you make racial discrimination only about Blacks, you are wrong. When you make religion in politics all about Christianity, you are wrong. When you make terrorism all about Muslims, you are wrong. When you make capitalism all about the rich, you are wrong.

When you make kink all about BDSM, tying those two four-letter constructs together and forcing out every other fetish-laden activity…

…you are wrong.

If that is your aim, consciously or otherwise, you are being a pretentious, exclusionary, narrow-minded, judgmental, self-centered jerk.

If you exclude the enema and douching folks because they just like how it feels and don’t need to humiliate their play partner, you’re a douchebag.

If you look down on the watersports and brown shower crowd if they just like the taste or smell or filthiness of it, and aren’t topping or bottoming, you’re a shithead.

If you think anal has to be about hurting and overpowering someone, instead of just mutually enjoying the act of buttfucking or pegging, you’re an asshole.

If you think sex always has to be about power, and anyone who does it otherwise is “vanilla,” you’re a fuckhead.

If you think eating a woman out only matters if she’s smothering you and talking shit, or fellatio only matters if you ram it down her throat while calling her “dirty slave-slut,” you’re a fuckface.

I despise people who try to take over. I don’t care if you’re a liberal or conservative, fundie or atheist, union leader or corporate leader…whatever. I don’t care what your sexual orientation, interest areas, kinks, fetishes or quirks are. What I care about is that that you recognize that except in very few circumstances and places, we occupy a larger community, and it can’t always be your way and your rules.

I have no interest in trying to crash or raid your private get-togethers and specialized venues that are hardcore BDSM; do me the very great favor of not trying to take over the general places and supposedly welcoming venues I attend—because the fact is, I don’t want to only be fed your narrow agenda, and my interests are every bit as “legit” as yours are.