For many in the kink community, the first event you will ever attend is a local munch. Munches are informal gatherings that generally take place in family style restaurants, though I have tossed and attended them as picnics in parks, and am about to attend one in a doughnut shop. Generally speaking they are laid back, and people dress accordingly, which means in non-fetish clothing. Some first-timers attend the local trivia nights or karaoke nights, but all the same rules apply. The best way to impress the people you are about to meet is to be well- behaved, well -spoken, and clean and neat.

This may seem like pointless knowledge, but it isn’t. People have shown up at munches in trench coats with nothing under them, and in thigh high boots, mini-skirts, see through tops, corsets, and all types of other things. If their first event had been a conference that would have been perfect, but it is not so wonderful at a Ruby Tuesday’s, let me assure you.

Why should you care what the people at a munch think about you? In most cases, the munch is where you will meet the people who make up your community, including its leaders. In many cities the play parties are held in private homes, by the very people who are sitting at the table with you, and they will be scoping you out carefully, in order to decide if you can get a ticket into that party. Believe me—the play party is one party you want to be invited to, because it is there that people play. In other words, it is at the parties where people get their kink on, and if you want to be there, you need to put your best foot forward at the munch.

Most of the people there do not want attention directed at them, so they dress casually, and you should too. Since most of us know we will be playing later, and are likely to have our hair wadded up in someone’s hand and our faces covered in sweat, we eschew the makeup and glam so we won’t have to go home with our eyeliner hanging to our jaws, and our hair looking like a birds nest that got caught in a high wind.

Many times people are surprised by how normal we look, that is sort of the point. I know it puts a lot of new people off; we all expect the movie version of things in the beginning, but it is nothing like the movies. It is real life, and we have to live it. Keep in mind that while we have the right to live with our kinks and be happy, we do not have the right to shove our kinks in the faces of those who do not share them. And to do so is to violate other’s rights.

To that end, leave the ass baring skirts and shorts, ass-less chaps, vampire makeup, elbow length gloves, full-on leather and latex, etc. at home. Or, if you do think there is a chance you will get invited to the party, pack that garb in a bag with your toys and leave it in the trunk of your car.

Also on the leave at home list—your kids. Yes, your children. It does not matter that it is being held in a family style restaurant: your kids do not belong at a munch. A few years back, I had a slobbering toothless kid plopped in my lap, and I was so horrified I blurted out, ‘Not that kind of Grrl!’ and heaved the kid back at the mom who had brought it. She could not imagine why we didn’t invite her back to the party.

Nobody wants to see your drunken imitation of a rock star, even if it is a karaoke bar you are at. Nobody wants to sit next to someone who is not in favor of soap and water. Most people who are kinky are intelligent, we appreciate debate and good conversation and we encourage it, but we don’t like smart asses or people who feel the need to monopolize the conversation. For many of us, the only time we get to spend with the people at that table is at that table. Join in, by all means, and feel welcome doing so, but do not attempt to take over.

Now—you have shown up. You have dressed well, spoken well and are feeling good. But then everyone begins to leave. You hear the word party, but nobody is asking you to attend. Do not take that to mean that you are free to jump in your car and haul ass after the car of an invited guest, it was not an oversight on the part of the hosts, nor does it mean you are not welcome. Sometimes people need to know more about you; sometimes there is something planned that is not newbie friendly, i.e. a very intense demo that includes fire and/or cutting. That type of play can terrify new people. Many new people do not know play party rules, and so if these types of things are in the works, odds are you were liked and wanted, but the group decided to ask you next time. Say goodbye and thank you politely, shake hands with those who offer but…this is important…never hug anyone until given permission to do so.

You may see a lot of physical contact among the members of the group, that does not mean you are welcome to touch as well. Keep that in mind if you ignore everything else I have said.
There are many reasons for this. Some people are property, and you do not touch someone’s property without permission. Some people have triggers or just dislike being touched by people who are unknown to them. I am that way, and you will find many more that are as well.

If you are invited to the play party here the basic rules:

These people live in the home you are walking into. It does not matter if they have spanking benches in every room, full on racks, and gyno tables, whatever. It is their home, and you are a guest so behave appropriately.

That starts outside. Don’t pull up with your bass booming, jump out of the car yelling ‘yeah I’m gonna beat some ass!’, or anything else remotely that asinine. People have neighbors; respect your hosts by respecting their neighbors. Don’t walk across the grass or through the flower beds, don’t strip naked in the car and strut to the door holding your also nude partner’s hand. If you have toys with you, keep them in a bag; the neighbors will notice the whip and giant dildo in your hands, I promise you.

If there is a common area where people are gathered, and there is some type of play going on, it is not safe to assume that that is a demo and you are welcome to comment and/or join in. Some people are exhibitionists, sometimes space is limited. Quietly ask your hosts if you are allowed to watch the proceedings before just flopping into a chair and doing so. Be respectful of anything that is going on. If it is a scene that freaks you out or frightens you, take your cues from others in the area. If they are not worried or frightened, it is likely that is a scene they have seen before. Quietly leave the area until it is over, if need be.

All skills are learned through watching, skill sharing by experienced players, and by trial and error. Don’t be shy, ask if someone has performed a skill you are interested in, but do so respectfully. That means after a scene, not during, and after aftercare, as well. Nobody wants to explain the mechanics of using whips while engaged in performing that skill on their blissed out sub.

Do not decide to perform a scene on your sub that you have never attempted before just because you feel a need to compete with the other players. That can lead to serious injury and loss of your sub. And that will not go unnoticed. The reason we have parties is to find others to play with and to learn skills, keep that in mind.

Manners Matter. Always say thank you, always ask if there is something you can help to do, always offer to pitch in to clean up if you are still around when the party winds down, and you will be invited back.