HIV and AIDS can seem like such a foreign concept when you’re young. “It’s never going to happen to me.” is a very popular line of thinking for teenagers, especially when it comes to catching an STD. When sex education was being taught to my peers and I, the only person we knew of who was HIV positive was a very sick boy a year older than me who had been unfortunate enough to contract it through a blood transfusion.

He died the year after he graduated.

I didn’t know him very well. He was in special classes where teachers could keep a close eye on him, making sure he was taking medication for the ailments that caused him to need a blood transfusion in the first place as well as the ones he needed since he became HIV positive. He was a very sweet boy and it was sad to find out he died, but I really never imagined I’d hear about anyone else I knew having to deal with it.

After I graduated and got married, my brother came out as a homosexual. I realize that now homosexuals aren’t the highest risk group for HIV, but at that time I had only been exposed to the views of the Southern Baptist Convention. I just knew that my brother was going to contract the disease and die because of his ‘sinful’ lifestyle. It really didn’t help that he was, in fact, having unprotected sex and was very promiscuous. I think a lot of guys sort of gravitated towards him because he was so obviously gay. The guys he messed around with weren’t out yet and I think they knew he would be someone they could trust not to judge them for who they were and that he’d be easy to get into bed.

Then, on his prom night as he walked home from his date’s house, he was raped by a man. I was terrified and enraged. The police took a rape kit, but the rapist was never found. My family waited for results of his STD screenings, hoping and praying that if he had caught anything that it was curable.

After that, he seemed to go crazy. He began having more sex, always unprotected, with random men he would meet. He moved away, couch surfing, job hopping and started using drugs. Even when he had a steady boyfriend, a great guy who was stable and was taking care of him, he wouldn’t stop having risky sex. He left his boyfriend and moved in with an older man who was HIV positive and an intravenous drug user. He wouldn’t tell me at first, but it eventually came out that he was sleeping with the guy. Since my brother wouldn’t keep a job, he would exchange sexual favors for things like rent, rides to places he needed to go, and things he wanted.

I don’t say these things from a judgmental standpoint, but from a factual one. I realize that anyone can contract HIV(or any STD), even people who have only had one sexual partner, but your risk factor does increase when you’re exposing yourself things like unprotected sex (particularly with known infected individuals).

These facts were never more real than the day my brother called me and told me he was sick. Over the course of maybe a year, he had dealt with various ailments. Such as flu-like symptoms, exhaustion, swollen lymph nodes and glands, fevers, sore muscles, rashes, and he even had a pretty nasty case of thrush. I hadn’t known about any of it because he lives in Arizona and I live in Georgia. He finally went to the doctor to discuss his symptoms and they started running tests. I’ll never forget that day when he called me and told me that he might be HIV positive. I cried hard, nearly hysterically. After I calmed down, I asked him if he’d talked to our mother about it yet. He said he hadn’t and that he was scared to tell her. I encouraged him to call her. She needed to know too. He didn’t want to do it alone so we called her on 3-way and I broke the news to her. She was upset as well. Of course, we talked about the fact that the tests hadn’t come back yet and that his doctor had said it could be mono, but the fear that he had contracted a deadly disease was very real.

As it turns out, he was HIV negative and it was mono. We were very lucky. He was very fortunate that the risky choices he made in the heat of the moment hadn’t stuck him with a lifelong struggle with a disease that would eventually weaken his immune system and kill him. I think that was his wake up call. He’s straightened his life up. He’s holding down a job, taking care of his responsibilities, using protection with his partners and not putting up with physically and emotionally abusive men. He’s avoiding drugs and drug users (well, anything harder than pot) and he’s getting himself tested on a regular basis.

On top of all of that, he’s coming to me for advice about safer sex and using toys. He realizes that condoms aren’t the only tool he can use to protect himself from exposure. He can make sure to use lubricant and warm up with manual stimulation or toys before anal penetration. I’ve recommended several products for him to try and intend to send him a nice package full of them for Christmas.

I am glad we’ve finally reached a place where we can openly discuss sex and safety. I’m happy that my brother lives in a community with programs available to help uninsured people get the healthcare they need, including tests for STD’s and free condoms. I’m glad to be able to help him learn about safety, and that he has helped me accept and understand how wrong the views we were raised with regarding homosexuals were.