I was that girl. The one who was sexting with your boyfriend, and letting him sneak around behind your back to see me. I’m not proud of it. This is more like a confession. I’m glad to say that I don’t do that anymore, but I finally understand why I did it. I’m not giving excuses. I was wrong, and I’m sorry for the people I might have hurt.

I’m going to back up about eight years or so. I was in love. I was crazy in love, and way too young to be so serious about another person. Of course I thought that it would last forever, partly because that was the plan. There were multiple conversations about engagement and marriage. We even went so far as to pick out girl and boy names for the day that we had children.

Then something happened. First, I woke up one day and realized that I wanted to finish college before I got married and set up my own household. I wanted to know that if anything ever happened and I had to make it all on my own; I would have the education and experience needed to do so. Then, he met a girl who didn’t feel that way.

My boyfriend had found someone else and hid it from me. I found out through mutual friends that he was seeing her, and I ended things. I was heartbroken, but I was too proud to let many people know that.

For the next six years I was undeniably attracted to unavailable men. There were a number of guys who were in relationships with other girls, and I simply ignored that fact. I never pursued them, but it was as though they recognized that I would let them have their cake and eat it too. I never asked any of these guys to give up their girlfriends for me. If she found out, I walked away to let him deal with the aftermath. Most of the flings simply ran their course, and when we’d had our fun, he went on as though nothing ever happened. I actually lost my virginity to a guy who was cheating on his girlfriend. Of course, I didn’t know that (Karma is a bitch).

A little over a year ago I decided I wanted to date. I wanted to date a guy who was actually dating me. All of the other flings were purely physical and I wanted an emotional connection. I ended up meeting a really nice guy who was very interested in me, and I panicked. I literally had a panic attack when I talked to my friends about it. I was 100% afraid to invest emotions into a relationship. I didn’t want to be heartbroken again.

Lucky for me timing intervened. He was relocated with work, and we hadn’t been dating long enough to try and make a long distance relationship work. I found myself drifting towards being the other woman again. This time though, I never actually went through with it. I toyed with the idea, and there was plenty of inappropriate conversation. Once I realized what my hang-up was though, the scenario had lost all of its appeal.

I’ve never been the cheater, but I was just as guilty as they were. I knew what I was doing (in most cases) and I should have walked away. I wish I had. It’s scary to think how apathetic I was. My actions are the reason that I find it hard to trust people. When you can’t trust yourself, who can you trust?

I’m in love again, and it’s still scary. I wish I hadn’t done those things, but I know that it’s taught me a lot about who I am. I am glad to know that all of those other guys are no longer with the same girls; I hope that they found better men who won’t cheat on them.