It’s no secret that arguments and disagreements arise in any relationship. It’s a totally normal and healthy thing if done right. A couple who doesn’t have the occasional dispute is living in a fantasy world. There really isn’t a possible way for both partners to automatically agree on everything, and have both of their needs met at the level of their expectations. Sometimes, though, the strategy couples use to conquer their issues is unhealthy, and can only lead to more problems down the road. Anyone in a relationship needs to learn how to fight fair, and consider the feelings of themselves and their partner, to be able to have a truly successful relationship.

The biggest part of being able to handle these issues in a relationship, is being able to communicate in an effective manner, and keeping your own emotions in check. Without these two ingredients, most small disputes can turn themselves into a huge war. There are a few things to remember to help make sure that you’re solving your problems instead of making them worse.

1.  Pick the right time and place to discuss the issue.

Sometimes, we’re tempted to let our concerns come out whenever they cross our minds. These things can come about in situations that aren’t suitable for discussing anything. Imagine you’re at a party with a partner and they’re doing something that upsets you. It’s obvious that this isn’t the place for a full on confrontation. You want to express to them that what they’re doing is upsetting or angering you. What’s the best way to handle this situation? Politely tell them about what you’re feeling, but resolve to talk to them later in a more private setting. The last thing you need to do is cause a scene. The same concept also applies to schedules. If your partner is about to leave for work, it’s not a good time to bring up a serious issue for discussion. Make sure that you’re in a private, neutral setting, and that you both have time to discuss the situation fully.

2.  Present the issue in a non-confrontational way.

When bringing up an issue, it’s best to do it as calmly as possible. The last thing you want is for your partner to feel as if they’re under a personal attack. When people feel that they’re being attacked, they often respond in a defensive manner. Even though the issue may cause a negative emotional reaction in you, don’t let it get the best of you. This is hard, yes, but getting overly emotional doesn’t fix anything and can end up taking the disagreement to hostile levels. Don’t bring up the issue if you’re already feeling irritated by something else, because that irritation will just carry over to the conversation.

3.  Avoid “you” statements.

This one goes with the above tip. Sometimes it’s easy to start things with “you never”, “you don’t”, “you always”, etc. When you use these types of statements, it can come off as being confrontational or hostile. While it may be appropriate to use these types of statements in some situations, it’s better to rephrase them from an “I” and “we” perspective. Instead of saying “You don’t talk to me enough”, you could rephrase that as “I feel like we don’t communicate enough. I would like it if you talked to me more.” It’s amazing how a little bit of rephrasing can change the whole tone on what’s being said. Never, under any circumstances, should you ever call your partner names or assign them any labels. Saying things like “you’re so irresponsible” does nothing but upset the other person, and that’s not what you want, is it?

4.  Focus on the topic at hand.

Even though it’s incredibly tempting to do, it’s a bad idea to bring up any issues or instances outside of the issue being discussed. When this happens, it can create a whole mess of problems that go nowhere. All this really does is irritate both partners. If you’re discussing the amount of time you spend together, don’t bring up how your partner doesn’t clean up after themselves. It’s also not the time to recount the tale of how upset they made you three weeks ago when they forgot to call you back. Stay focused on one thing at a time, solve that issue, and then move on to the next. It’s so easy to get caught up in the act of fighting that you forget what the original issue was in the first place.

5.  Communicate your needs in a direct manner.

This is the biggest part of being an effective communicator. Tell your partner exactly what you need from them, and ask them to do the same to you. Neither one of you is a mind reader, and you won’t be able to solve anything if you don’t know what the other person is thinking. You can do this verbally, but it really helps to write it down in a list. Write your needs on one half of a piece of paper, have your partner write theirs on the other half. Having everything in front of you in this manner, or verbally listing each need, will help to clear up any confusion. You can go through the list one by one and talk about each item, if needed. You can also refer back to this list in the future.

6.  Don’t let your emotions get the best of you.

If you or your partner is getting to the point where you become incredibly emotional, try to calm things down a little. Lower your tone of voice, take a deep breath, and try to relax. It’s never easy to solve anything when you’re in an emotional haze. In emotional regulation therapy, there is a concept of “logical mind”, “emotional mind”, and “wise mind”. It’s set up as a Venn diagram, where emotional and logical are two circles, and the wise mind is where these things overlap. It’s very similar to the head and heart metaphor. You want to make sure that both of these sides are balanced. If you’re too emotional, your logical mind may be drowned out. Try to stay in your “wise mind”.

7.  If you can’t relax, or find that nothing is being solved, take a four hour break.

The goal here is to give yourself and your partner time to cool down and think about what’s going on. It’s hard to make decisions, or work towards a compromise, without thinking over things fully, and letting your emotions cool down. When we’re in an emotional state, our logic is often slightly impaired. If you find that you’re just going in circles, agree to drop the issue until both of you are ready to talk about it again. This will give you a good amount of time to fully process the content of your discussion. Make it clear that neither of you is abandoning the issue. During the four hour break, it’s a good idea to distance yourself from your partner and have some time to yourself.

8.  No one is the “winner”. Work towards a compromise.

No one is the winner when it comes to disagreements in relationships. You shouldn’t be trying to prove that you are right and your partner is wrong. The best way to solve things without any resentment from either partner, is to work towards a compromise. For example, if your partner wants more time to spend with their friends, but you want more quality time, work out a compromise for this situation. This could be something like having a set date night, where you agree to do something nice together, and then giving your partner a day for themselves, where they can see their friends or do things they want to do. Compromise takes flexibility from both parties. You shouldn’t just give in to all of your partner’s demands, and they shouldn’t be doing the same to yours. Find a middle ground where both of you are happy and getting your needs met.

9.  Remember what you’re fighting for.    

This may be the most important tip of all. When things get heated, and when people get upset, it’s easy to lose sight of what’s important. You and your partner are together because you love each other and want to share your lives together. Even though it’s easy to tell yourself and your partner that you’re better without them when things get difficult, remember why you wanted to be with them in the first place. Make sure that you realize that relationships take work. They’re not easy, but if done right, they can be highly rewarding and fulfilling.

When it comes to relationships, we can agree that we’re going to disagree no matter how healthy or solid they are. When we make sure to fight fair, it allows for growth as a couple, and on an individual level. Taking this advice to heart will help to make the occasional disagreement a smooth and easy process, which cuts down on any stressful situations. Relationships were meant to be happy and fulfilling. Knowing how to fight fair and handle these issues in a healthy, respectful manner will help make more room in your relationship for happy things, and that’s something we all deserve.