Battered individuals frequently leave the residence that they share with their batterer. In fact, the average victim will leave their partner 8 times before leaving for good. Leaving must be done with a careful plan in order to increase safety because one of the two most dangerous times for a battered person is when they leave their relationship, as batterers often strike back in an attempt to regain the power and control over their victim (the other is when a battered woman is pregnant). The fact that such a detailed and involved safety plan is even important or required for someone leaving an abusive situation says a lot about how dangerous these relationships really are. If it was as easy as “just leaving,” would this much planning and precaution even be necessary? I think it says a lot about how scary and life-threatening abuse really can be.

You may need to take an order of protection (also known as a restraining order) against your batterer for further protection. Many abusers increase their scare tactics to include harassment, stalking, and threats of violence when their partner leaves, and an order of protection is necessary. Once you’ve left your abuser, you may not know whether an order of protection will become necessary in the future. Or, you may know from the beginning that you want to take out an order. There are some things that you should do to prepare to take the order of protection out.

· If you’ve filed any police reports, obtain copies of those. Not just the most recent ones, but any that you’ve had in the past, as well.

· If you have had any hospital or doctor’s visits for abuse related injuries, acquire copies of those bills and records.

· Document all bruises and injuries that you receive at the hands of your batterer via photo, even if you don’t go to the hospital for file a police report. Try to date the photos, if you can.

· Save all text messages, phone calls, emails, and letters, especially if they contain threats. Do this even if you don’t think that you will need to take out an order of protection. Some abusers will harass via threats, while others will harass via constant calls/texts. Save your phone bills that show the number of times your partner has called, so that if it’s excessive and obsessive there is proof. Phone companies may be able to help you get texts and voice mails onto a disk. Even sweet and apologetic ones should be saved, as they are usually signs of manipulation, and when viewed as a pattern with the others, show a more sinister message and intent than when viewed alone.

· Keep a log of all behavior that your abuser has demonstrated since you left that causes you fear. Record the date, time, and exact account of what happened. Threats, phone calls, physical altercations, sightings of them somewhere that they should not be, etc. Even though this would not hold up in court and there is no proof that these things occurred beyond your word, the fact that you’ve taken the time to record all of these things, combined with whatever else you have to present, adds weight and credibility to your case.

· Be sure to indicate any and all weapons that your abuser owns, registered or not. If the order is served, hey are required to turn over those weapons for as long as the order is in place.

· If you have filed police reports in the past and dropped charges, or taken out orders of protection and then dropped them, it may be more difficult for you to acquire an order. To many police officers, this decreases your credibility, when in fact, it’s quite common for victims of abuse to drop charges out of fear due to threats from their abuser, or in the hopes that the abuser will change because they have promised to. Be aware of the fact that every time you drop charges or an order of protection, it makes it more difficult to make them stick the next time.

Many batterers obey protection orders, but many do not, since many abusers tend to be arrogant and think they are invincible. You can never be sure which violent partner will obey and which will violate protection orders. Recognize that you may need the police and the courts to enforce your protection order. There are things you can do to help the enforcement of your order of protection.

• Keep your protection order placed in a safe location. Always keep a copy on or near your person, as the order cannot be enforced if the police show up and you do not have a copy of it on you. If you change purses, that’s the first thing that should go in.  You should also give a copy to a friend or family member for safe keeping.

• Give your protection order to police departments in the community where you work, in those communities where you usually visit family or friends, and in the community where you live.

• There should be a registry of protection orders that all police departments can call to confirm a protection order. You should check to make sure that your order is in the registry. Call the local domestic violence program if you are not sure about how orders of protection work, or have any problems with your protection order.

• Inform your employer, your minister or pastor, your closest friend, and family members that you have a protection order in effect.

• If your partner destroys your protection order, know where you can go to get another copy.

• If your partner violates the protection order, you can call the police and report a violation, contact your attorney, call your advocate, and/or advise the court of the violation. If it’s a no-contact restraining order, save any texts, messages, emails, or letters that your batterer sends. If the police do not help, you can contact your advocate or attorney and file a complaint with the chief of the police department. You can also file a private criminal complaint with the district justice in the jurisdiction where the violation occurred or with the District Attorney.

• You can charge your battering partner with a violation of the protection order and the crimes that they commit in violating the order. You can call a domestic violence advocate to help you with this.

So much of this may seem like overkill, but it really is important and relevant. Lethality is highest when a battered person leaves their relationship. Remember that abuse is about power and control, and batterers will do anything they can to regain their power and control once you’ve taken it from them by leaving. Their manipulation, threats, stalking, harassment, and likelihood to use violence increases dramatically once their victim has left the relationship. Protect yourself and your children as much as possible. There is no such thing as too safe. It sounds like a cliche, but it’s better to be safe then sorry.

Also, remember to take care of yourself not just physically, but mentally, as well. Don’t underestimate the value of a domestic violence center in your area and the resources, support, and information that they are capable of providing. They’re there to help, and can be invaluable to you in more ways than you could imagine.