When I was a teenager I learned about AIDS in school. I was a sheltered teen and my Mother and Father believed that I would grow up, go to college, meet a ‘nice guy’, get married and never have to worry about AIDS. I wasn’t gay, or a guy, and I wouldn’t be promiscuous because despite my childhood I was raised “better”. I know they had these thoughts because they told me, over and over.

In the fall of 1985 I finally got Sigel’s attention and he met my parents. My Dad’s words to my Mother were, “She wants him and there’s nothing I can do about it.” This, then is when my parents went into STD warning frenzy! I had always been encouraged to research addictions, diseases and educate myself enough to properly care for my body. My parents, however, didn’t know any other way to deal with their fears except to scare me into doing what they wanted. Trusting me to be an intelligent young woman was foreign to them, I’m 40 years old and they still feel the best way to help someone is scare them away from ‘dangerous’ activities.

Like everyone else I was shocked and horrified about what happened to a young man named Ryan White. This is my first memory of HIV/AIDS being brought up at home. My Mother was convinced that some gay man had raped the 9 year old because the implication that this illness could affect us was terrifying. I had had a blood transfusion around the same time as Ryan but it was on the other side of the world in England. The thought that I might be carrying this virus undetected gave my Mother and Father nightmares. I was tested for the disease and for some odd reason this seemed to solidify the thought that Ryan had been raped by a “dirty” gay man. I know from the media storm that she wasn’t the only one who had this awful bias and the Whites were ostracized and horribly treated. What I took from this story was the need to verify information before forming an opinion about a topic, something that I still struggle with.

AIDS was still a disease that affected “dirty” gay men and the “sicko whores” who had sex with them when I was learning about it in school. I was actually taught that the disease could be contracted by visiting a public pool if some men had had gay sex in it! I was taught that having unprotected sex with someone was to have sex with everyone they had had sex with for up to 7 years, and it exponentially got worse if the other person was promiscuous. I was told that if I was married I was SAFE from HIV and other STDs!

I remember it being the Bogeyman and given that there was no cure I, too, was scared. I’m still scared if the truth is told. I lived for many years thinking I was safe because I was monogamous, I assumed my husband was monogamous as well. I never allowed a medical person to approach me with a needle unless it was securely wrapped and they had nitrile gloves on. I handled sharps and bandages as though they were nuclear waste!
I was so afraid, but arrogant. I am ashamed now that I perpetuated the myths about HIV transmission instead of finding out the truth.

I know this fear was the only thing that kept me on the monogamy treadmill; I would want to have sex with someone, more often than not because Sigel was excited about the idea and it excited me, but the thought that they might have HIV stopped me cold. Sometimes I would push the fear aside and actually have sex with others but then the fear would hit and I would get verbally abusive with Sigel. I told him he had forced me and that I didn’t enjoy it, as though if I didn’t enjoy the sex I wouldn’t be “bad” and therefore wouldn’t get sick.

I knew I should, but didn’t approach a Doctor and ask what my risks actually were! I didn’t get tested mostly because I didn’t want to know the answer. I believed that God was punishing the “bad” people with AIDS and I sure as hell wasn’t “good” even though I tried to be. I knew all the people whom Sigel and I played with were clean because they were smart and actually got themselves tested regularly, but I had no idea what Sigel was doing on the side…and apparently it was quite a lot!

My perceptions were wildly skewed as well, I had this image of wealthy athletes and wasted addicts being infected. My friends and I discussed that probably it was the wealthy athlete’s fault for sleeping with wasted addicts who were probably street walkers. We heard the reports of suburban housewives being afflicted along with “NICE” families but it never seemed to hit home. My early attempts to placate my parents infected my actions as surely as HIV was infecting my world.

As my daughters began to grow up I felt a need to educate myself on the real dangers of sexual activity, for their sakes. I realize now it was for my sake most of all because I was tired of living in fear. I learned that I was more likely to get Hepatitis from my lifestyle than I was to get HIV! Through exhaustive research and asking the hard questions I learned the truth about having multiple partners and how to keep yourself safe. HIV/AIDS is a factor in our lives, it will be a factor until they either have a cure or a vaccine. I have decided not to live in fear but to educate myself and my children.

I am not monogamous and I have given up the crutch of believing God is the sex police. God doesn’t punish with sickness, hopelessness and death. These are the natural consequence of choices or just horrible accidents. You can minimize the risks of a non-monogamous lifestyle and catch most treatable STDs quickly and easily, you just have to be willing to do it. Using barriers such as condoms, dental dams, nitrile or latex gloves, and toy condoms properly can reduce your risk significantly for most diseases passed through the sex act. Add in to that equation getting to know a potential sex partner, talking with them openly and honestly will further reduce your risk. Getting yourself tested regularly and encouraging your partner(s) to do the same reduces your risk even further.
I love the thrill of being in the same room with several people who are all happy to have me there and sharing incredible sexual experiences with them, I enjoy the thrill of being with one special someone for a night of incredible ecstasy, I also enjoy the peace of mind that comes from knowing that I am not a “bad” person who is destined to be punished for my likes by a vengeful God. To my mind now that’s like saying if I walk into a restaurant I am dicing with death because they COULD poison me, sure they could but I LIKE eating in restaurants. I minimize my risks and keep myself otherwise healthy!

I got the chance to see the AIDS quilt when it traveled through my area and I was struck dumb by the sheer numbers and pain of the families. This time it didn’t strike fear in me, it made me determined to fight. I keep myself informed about the strides made in combating this virus and the advances made in treatments. I learn what I can about the virus and how it behaves, and most of all I don’t judge someone who is diagnosed with HIV/AIDS. Sometimes shit happens and these people, regardless of their choices aren’t “bad” people either just sick and fighting for their lives. So many shining lights have been lost to this terrible virus, so many children who never even got the chance to live. I believe that there isn’t anyone who hasn’t felt the impact of AIDS in their lives whether they actually know, or knew, a person afflicted. It has impacted us all and will continue to impact us all for many years, possibly generations. My sorrow is for those unfortunate people who watched a loved one die of this horrible disease and instead of receiving a well spring of empathy got nothing but blame and derision to outright hatred. It’s not bad enough that they had to watch their loved one waste away before their eyes they also had to suffer the slings and arrows of public misinformation. It still happens today. My hope is that setting aside a day where we can share our thoughts, feelings and real information about AIDS will lead to a world where this is another horrible but largely preventable disease. A world where someone who’s loved one is suffering through either the disease or it’s treatment can receive sympathy, empathy and just plain love from a stranger.

I pray everyday that I won’t ever have to watch or be the person suffering from this affliction. I hope no one I know ever has to watch a loved one suffer from this virus. I pray my life remains largely untouched by AIDS, and I pray for a world where this is true for every person.