Body image has always been an issue for me, for most of my life. I was a small, thin child, but from 6th grade through 10th grade, I was considered “chubby”. Somehow between 10th and 11th grade, I lost about 50 pounds and was thin for the start of my junior year. For once, I felt beautiful and healthy. I felt like I actually had a chance of getting a boyfriend. I stayed thin through my junior and senior year. I even finished high school with a real boyfriend. My first ever boyfriend that actually took me out on dates. We even attended prom together. Only a year and three months after graduating high school, we were married and have been together ever since. Going on three years now.

The day I got married, even though I had gained back about 15 pounds by then, I still felt beautiful. It is one of the only days of my life I remember “feeling” beautiful. I know that’s how it is supposed to feel, but I really did not expect to feel that way. My dress fit very well, and it was so long and flowy, that it was perfect on me. I didn’t bother going tanning, I didn’t hardly wear much makeup at all, yet I still felt the most beautiful I had felt in my entire life. It could have been because I knew it was “my” wedding day, and I didn’t really care what people thought of me, or maybe it was because I was just so happy, I wouldn’t let something like my appearance get to me.

After getting married, as I’ve heard many people experience, I gained quite a bit of weight. I honestly gained about 80 pounds from what I was in high school. Luckily I’m currently staying about the same weight, but I’m having trouble losing it.

I view myself as large. Not just “chubby” anymore, but large. I am to the point I hate getting pictures taken with my husband, because I look like a mountain next to him. I can’t even take a headshot of the two of us together anymore, because I have such a “chubby” face including the double chin. I can’t buy the cute clothes because I need too big of sizes. My clothes aren’t ugly, but I get more of the big and baggy type shirts to hide my stomach. I don’t even feel comfortable going without my glasses, because I feel it makes my face look chubbier.

Body Image in my opinion, is not only weight related though. It’s anything to do with images and how I see myself. I hate my dark pink stretch marks all over my stomach, caused by weight gain. I hate that people always assume I’m pregnant and make comments, and then I have to explain to them, “I’m just fat, not pregnant”. I hate my skin, and my awful, frequent break-outs. Not only on my face, but now recently also my chest. I hate my big, bushy, dark eyebrows that are hard to take care of. I hate my smile and my crooked teeth, behind thin lips. The list could go on and on.

As you can see, I don’t feel I have a very good body image. So why then, does my husband tell me all the time how gorgeous and beautiful I am? How can he look at me naked and still find me sexy? I have trouble answering these questions, because it amazes me that he can still view me as a sexy woman. His view of “body image” is everything all put together. The whole package. Not just appearance, but personality, heart and brain.

I love that my husband can still look at me and get turned on. I love that he likes me to go around the house in small skimpy clothing, or even no clothing at all. I love when he tells me during sex how beautiful I am. I love when we get dressed up to go out for a nice dinner, that he is proud to still show me off. I love that he’s not ashamed of me or my size or my looks.

Body image to me, has always been how I feel about my appearance. When in reality, body image, should be how I feel about myself overall. The whole package. I’m a smart woman, I have a kind heart, I love my job, I want to be a good mommy someday, I’m funny when I want to be, I’m shy and quiet, but I state my opinion when I feel like it. These are all good qualities about myself and things that I am proud of. When I think about my body image, I should think about the whole package. Not just the appearance, but the brain and the heart below that. I know my husband loves the whole package, so shouldn’t I?