by JR and Cynthia

The 4th of July is right around the corner here in America and we’re in the lull of the holiday year. The summer seems to have the least amount of commercial holidays (in which you’re expected to spend money). A lot of people aren’t even thinking about gift giving holidays right now; we’re 4 months from Halloween, 6 months from Christmas, and 8 months from Valentine’s Day. While waiting for the burgers to finish cooking on the grill or for someone to bring you that frozen drink, take a few minutes to think about your sex life and the holidays. Which toys are most appropriate for which holiday?

I realize there are many more holidays than those listed here; choosing gifts for every festival and celebration under the sun would take forever, so I just picked my favorites! Let’s start with the nearest holidays:

American Independence Day (July 4th):

Every 4th of July, Americans celebrate the Declaration of Independence by grilling meat and veggies, munching cold salads, and lighting fireworks. I know it’s a close holiday, so let’s go on the inexpensive side: cock rings. With a pitched tent, put on a silicone or TPR nubbed ring on your John Hancock. Like fireworks and the previously mentioned food, some just don’t last that long, so cock rings are a great addition to those summer nights.

Labor Day (1st Monday in September):

This is usually when summer vacations end and school starts. This isn’t usually a gift giving holiday, but that’s a lame reason to not get something new. Since you’re going back to work or school, get back to the basics in your sex life; pick up a basic toy. A basic dildo or sleeve will help you establish a base line for your sex life and for the holidays around the corner.

Columbus Day (2nd Monday in October):

This is a forgotten holiday for almost everyone I know. Why not celebrate the “discovery” of the New World by trying a new toy or upgrading one you have? Trade in your Jelly for Silicone. Go from a plain dildo to a rockin’ vibrator.

Halloween (October 31st):

Trick or treat! This is the day you dress up and pretend to be something else; why shouldn’t your toys do the same? Try a theme toy! Go with a tentacle or jellyfish, or put a textured sleeve on your usual dildo or vibrator. Some may be tricks and others may be treats; you’ll never know until you try! If you’re not that far into trying new things, get a special costume. It is interesting to notice that “naughty” in front of anything makes it a costume (e.g. naughty student, naughty nurse, naughty cultist, etc.).

Thanksgiving (4th Thursday in November):

Chances are, you’re going to be stuffed from a huge meal and you won’t have a lot of room to spare, so ease in with a slim-line toy. Try on a wand, probe, or bullet for size. If you’re a guy reading this, try out a Tenga Slim. Make sure you wear yourself out, because tomorrow is going to be an early/busy day…

Black Friday (the Friday after Thanksgiving):

This is the unofficial holiday dedicated to spending money…does it all have to be on other people? You’re going to be busy for the next month and a half or so, get something of quality. Since it’s Black Friday…go with black leather! Grab new cuffs, restraints, or an outfit of all black leather. That’s a great early present for…

Christmas (December 25th):

There’s a whole slew of Christmas themed products! Pick out your favorites and have fun! I think the candy cane glass toy is the most festive. There’s also a glass wand shaped like a Christmas Tree out there, you just have to look for it.

New Year’s Eve/Day (December 31st/January 1st):

Happy New Year! If you’re not too hung over, a relaxing massage or a soothing scented candle will reward you for surviving the Holidays! Relax while you still can; you have a couple days off before you’re back to work or school.

Groundhog Day (February 2nd):

Do you remember the movie with the same name? Simple idea here: give yourself a “Round 2” with a groundhog themed rabbit type vibrator. If you can’t find one…just go for the two-fer for yourself.

Valentine’s Day (February 14th):

Oh boy! The biggest day for love all year; how do you celebrate it? I suggest skipping the fancy restaurants and mass produced greeting cards and going with a homemade dinner (or Boston Market) and a bowl of the darkest chocolate you can find (melted) with fresh fruit. For a second dessert, get something special for your partner (i.e. Better than Chocolate for her or Fleshlight for him).

Singles Awareness Day (February 14th):

Ok, I know it’s the same day, but not the same meaning. For the single folk out there, go out to the strip club! It’s something not a lot of couples do; celebrate your Single Life by doing something couples don’t/can’t do. You could also throw a Singles party and get a bunch of party favors (penis cake pan, boob straws, inflatable penis). These are usually for bachelor(ette) parties, but why wait?

Easter (some Sunday or another depending on the Moon):

This holiday is a tricky one. One group celebrates this holiday as a Christian holiday and another group celebrates another holiday around the same time that celebrates rebirth and renewal. I’m skipping the Christian one in favor of the other one.

I have two suggestions for Easter (Ostara): Rabbit-type vibrators and Tenga Eggs. There are also various chocolaty products too.

Earth Day (April 22nd):

Get a “Green” sex toy; rechargeable toys may seem pricey, but they pay for themselves in the long run, financially and environmentally. If alternative energy sounds appealing, you may be impressed by the recently released solar powered bullet! Ready to swap out old toys? Recycle them through a trustworthy sex toy recycling program instead of throwing them away. There are also many great companies that use minimal or recyclable packaging; support them and reduce waste!

Arbor Day (Last Friday in April):

Get a wooden toy. They are actually pretty safe and most are made of composite wood (wood chips/dust mixed with a polymer) or a whole piece of wood finished to smooth perfection. When you’re done pampering yourself, pamper Mother Earth a little, too–Go out and plant a tree!

Mother’s Day (2nd Sunday in May):

“Would you get your mom a sex toy for Mother’s Day?” I’ve read that very question on Eden’s forums. Well, I don’t know about a sex toy, but you could easily get her a gift card and let her pick! Ok, seriously, this is all on you. I don’t know your mom and wouldn’t presume to pick a toy for her. Maybe skip the erotic stuff and just get her a nice lotion or oil for foot rubs.

..and finally…

Father’s Day (3rd Sunday in June):

Ok, see the above suggestion about Mother’s Day and apply it here, except skip the lotion/oil suggestion. If your dad is like mine, any breast/boob/tit related gift that is mildly practical would work (like a coffee mug that has disappearing clothes on a model or something).

Other holidays:

There are loads of other holidays that aren’t listed here. There’s “Talk like a Pirate day” and “Ninja Day” (which is also my birthday, another holiday altogether). If you’re Jewish, there’s Seder and Hanukah. There are all sorts of festivals too, “The Moon Festival” and Midsummer.

Well, I’m sure your hamburger is ready now and there’s a line forming around the grill. Now that you’ve had a series of reminders for the holidays, start planning your gifts or parties!