Virginity is something I never really put a lot of emphasis or value on. It wasn’t the big deal to me that it seemed to be to others. I wasn’t promiscuous early on, by any means, and I didn’t treat it like it didn’t matter, but to me, virginity was just a fact, not something to be treasured.

I still remember the first time I had sex. My then boyfriend and I had spent months convincing our fathers to take us to a concert. He lived around six hours away, so when they finally said yes, it was amazing. We’d finally get to be around one another again, and we’d get to see one of our favorite bands. What more could a fifteen or sixteen year old want! Somehow, I convinced my parents that sharing a room would make more sense, to this day I’m not even sure how I did it. It was one of those joint rooms where you had a kitchen and living room, then two bedrooms off of it.

We were typical teenagers in the sense we were careful what we did with each other in front of our parents. I remember before the concert we had all gone out to supper, and he was holding my hand and touching my leg under the table. I was almost vibrating with excitement on the way to the concert. At one point, we were alone in the car, and I had an internal struggle about whether or not I could get away with jumping him before anybody else came back. At the time, it felt like the best night of my life, like nothing could get better.

Fast-forwarding through a lot of boring details and groping during the concert (we were left alone), we got back to the hotel room and the parents had gone to bed. Even now I have no idea what the hell we were thinking. We ended up having sex on the couch with nothing but a thin wooden door and luck stopping my father from finding us.

I think I had a fairly average first time for somebody who was kinky and didn’t know it yet. He and I are still friends, and he tells me off and on that it was the best sex he’s ever had. I bite my tongue and fight hard not to tell him “I’m so sorry for you!”, because it wasn’t good. It wasn’t even close to good, really. With the excitement and electricity I felt when he touched me at the concert, I thought it would be amazing. In the end, though, it totally fell flat. I did enjoy sucking him off, but that’s about all the enjoyment I got out of it.

For another girl’s first time, I’m sure he would have been great. He was gentle and slow, and always made sure I was okay. Now, years later, I know why I was laying there staring up at the ceiling tiles wondering when the last time they cleaned them was. I had spent hours thinking about this moment, fantasizing how gentle and sweet he would be. As it turned out I like things rough. I’m kinky; I need dominance and overpowering in my sexual encounters, or I’m just not into it. Even just biting and pinning is enough. Straight vanilla sex, though, it just doesn’t do it for me.

It’s not his fault, of course, neither one of us knew that I was kinky at the time. I thought being totally bored and unsatisfied was average for the first time when you didn’t know what you were doing. The only time I really felt anything good out of the sex was with the first thrust, where it hurt a tiny little bit. I liked that.

Now, years later, I’m with somebody that can make my knees buckle with just a text. Sex has gotten so much better now that I know what I want, and what I like. As far as regretting my first time… I’m not sure. It wasn’t good; I wasn’t satisfied; the relationship was a wreck and completely unstable and emotionally and mentally abusive. I thought I loved him, though, and it seemed right. So, I’m not sure. I don’t think I would undo it if I could, just because it helped teach me what it is I like. The relationship taught me what it is I don’t want. I don’t think I regret it even if it was bad, and one of the dumber things I’ve done.

There are things I would have changed, though. Now I would for sure make him wear a condom. I wasn’t even on the pill at the time. I relied on plan B that a friend had given me, and got really lucky. That was beyond stupid, but it was better than nothing. Neither one of us had access to condoms, which is why I do believe that schools should be allowed to give them out in health class. Not having them doesn’t stop people, it just makes them take more risks. I don’t think I would have had sex about ten feet from both our fathers, with nothing but a thin wooden door between us that they could have opened at any minute either. Finally, I’m not certain whether I would choose that night again. I will now forever have tickets to the night I lost my virginity, even if that particular “after party” was a dud.

[box]Got something you’d like to say? Check out our Writing for EC page for details on submitting to EdenCafe for a gift card![/box]