My straight friends have either been married, are married, or might as well be married. Nearly all of them. I’m single. I’m always single. A few weeks ago, Dan Savage of Savage Love fame, was on Bill Maher and made an interesting comment in passing about relationships. They had a lot of conversations about sex, love and marriage on that show, but his most interesting comment came nested in a broader conversation about married people making their own rules for their relationships.

I couldn’t find the exact phrase – but I did find his July 5th column, where he talks about straight people redefining marriage themselves – without the pressure of LGBT relationships, which people seem to be afraid is “changing” the institution of marriage. Whether it’s embracing or not embracing monogamy, swinging, two girls and one guy, two guys and a French maid, a tax lawyer… whatever you’re into, straight people seem to be changing what it means on their own, and what it means to be married seems to be evolving.

While I once considered myself to be full blown lesbian, despite sleeping with men now, I’m still not actually attracted to men. I’m attracted to the sex I have with men… but I love women, and I want to be with women. I figured I was destined for life as a single slut moving back and forth between unhappily married men and delicious lesbians. But if you’ve read my other columns, I’ve been oddly obsessed with this idea of determining the rules of your own relationship outside of the restrictive, conservative, Victorian Puritanism that so many people seem to be trapped by. Is it possible I might actually be able to have a relationship after all? Simply because my partner and I can make our own rules now?

The idea of “friends with benefits” is appealing to me, but most men I’m with mistake my high sex drive for being clingy, over-attentive, and needy. Yeah.. I needy your wang at least once a day! But men see lots of calls, emails, texts, and run the other way regardless of whether or not those are all based within the context of a booty call. My problem is that ultimately I end up in situations where “friends with benefits” with men turn into “benefits” with no real friends.

Not to mention, I have been in so many relationships that were unfulfilling and not sexually satisfying, that I don’t even want to have conversations with people before I sleep with them first. If they can’t match me in the sack, the last thing I want is to become emotionally attached. But then you end up with men who think you’re an easy whore, and they never have any respect for you once you figure the sex thing out and try to start having a relationship.

This has been the issue plaguing me since I told a friend of mine (we’ll call him Mr. Brown) I really wanted to sleep with him, but I only wanted to do it within the context of dating. This was in large part due to the complicated relationship I had with Mr. X. Mr. Brown is a bit of a man-whore. I’ve known this for some time and found it fascinating. Clearly he likes sex – in fact he likes it a lot. He is an avid porn watcher, has a great relationship with his right hand, and he loves the crazy spontaneous things I did from time to time in his office. I thought – this guy is perfectly matched for me to sleep with. I bet he can keep up, and it could be really really super fun and adventurous and crazy. Aside from that, he’s not unattractive, though I’m not sure I’m a good judge of that. He’s fairly intelligent, he’s funny and he laughs at my jokes, and the best part is he’s professionally a lot safer for me than Mr. X was.

The problem I ran into is that Mr. X did a bit of a number on me. I don’t know if I was really ever in love with him. I think I was in love with a part of him. A particularly large part of him that did really great things to me, and I became addicted to the idea of the things we did together being more consistent. Mr. Brown thinks that Mr. X used me – that Mr. X is a user himself. Mr. X definitely used me… but I also used him. I wanted to use him a lot more, quite frankly, but his mid 40′s libido was starting to take a hit, and he was looking for something warm and fuzzy and more sensual, I think. Not that I can’t do that too, but…. I crave the spontaneous adventure of crazy and kink.

The rule I set for Mr. Brown, because of my blowback from Mr. X, was that I wanted to do this “friends with benefits” within the context of us dating. Not a hard core full on relationship, but something I told him that would be a little more honest than what I did with Mr. X.

Mr. Brown said no. He valued our friendship and didn’t want to jack that up, despite the continuation of our sexual chemistry, which might be why he’s avoiding me. I see him, and I want him. It’s got to be hard for a guy to say no when there’s a girl on top of you. But, here’s the thing, we don’t really have much of a friendship. We don’t hang out, we don’t really have much going on. So, when you look at the fancy new movie with Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis, it isn’t the same thing. Sure the sex might be just as great, in fact I’m sure it would be, but the hanging out, and taking in a movie doesn’t happen now. What makes me think it would if we were “friends with benefits”?  So, basically we’d just be “benefits.” Which, to me, sounded a lot like Mr. X. Which is why I thought dating was the solution. Kind of like a reinforcement that the “friends” in “friends with benefits” would actually happen. Of course, with all that schtooping… probably not a lot of time for a movie.

I love the movie “Friends with Benefits”. The end was a little too much like a chick flick, but the sex and chemistry was fantastic. The casual nonchalant attitude of the couple when they started doing the casual sex thing was perfect. It’s exactly what I wanted with Mr. Brown. Sex is meant to be fun and interesting, and the movie captured the best part of a “friends with benefits” relationship. Plus, there’s this great line that captured Mr. Brown and myself, Kunis says “Oh!  You’re emotionally disconnected. I’m emotionally damaged. I haven’t seen you at the meetings?!”

My question for you, Dear Readers: Is that kind of relationship even possible? Or ultimately does 1:  the guy just ends up using you without the friendship, or 2: you fall for him, or he falls for you? Are there examples of where it can work or does work? Can you redefine relationships this much? Or are we as people just hardwired for the Hollywood ending even if we think that isn’t what we want?