One of the criticisms of open marriage and polyamory I read about is that it is too free. Wouldn’t we all like to be able to have sex with whomever we want? Somehow this is just wrong. There have to be limits and it’s immature to want more. The premise being that it is selfish to assume that one has the right to be sexually satisfied. It is somehow immature to seek that satisfaction wherever it may be. The natural next step is to assume that when one has kids and a home that sex becomes a luxury of young immature people who don’t have “responsibilities” or a “real life”. It is, again, immature to expect that there be “fire in the bedroom” and one should naturally trade all that away for a “nice” existence that is admittedly un-fulfilling but is “reality”! I have to wonder about these attitudes and where they stem from.

I have never felt that one should have to give up a satisfying sex life for grown-up responsibility. In my family it is admitted that my Grandparents had a red hot sex life right up until they couldn’t physically. My parents are open about their joy in sex, my Aunts are the same. They are all monogamous and it works for them, or rather they MAKE it work for them. It’s not easy and my Aunt offered my Mother this sage advice, “In public be a lady to show the world how you respect and love your husband. In the bedroom be whatever he wants to show him how he lights your fire. If you do this he will return the favor and you will never go wanting.” My Mother took that advice and it never failed her. Does it take work? Doesn’t everything worth having take work? Of course it isn’t easy, it requires a great deal of open communication and loving attention to detail from both parties.

What if the best experience you can imagine is watching your partner enjoying his/her self with another person? What if the real enjoyment comes from the fact that you know this other person loves the same things about your partner that you do? That spark of naughtiness in your partners eyes, the twitch of their hips, the confident stride and happy glow all of these things are what people who enjoy open marriages talk about. Our opponents all say that this should be saved and shown only to a single partner and that anything else shows that their attention is divided and they don’t really love their partner. I don’t know how to answer that allegation except to say that I understand the fear of scarcity model that prompts that belief but unless you truly get off on seeing your beloved being loved by another you can’t understand. I think that’s ok, though. Someone who can’t tolerate spicy foods wouldn’t be able to understand a craving for habanero peppers so why do we expect validation for open marriage from people who are content and happy being monogamous? Sure we naturally want to share our happiness, we want to sing it from every rooftop but we need to remain sensitive to the fact that our views may threaten others. I don’t mean we should hide, never that, but being understanding of the giant leap of faith it takes to be open to something which frightens us seems to me to be a better tactic.

This is a new realization to me and one that has profoundly affected my attitude. I no longer need to be militant or angry, I can be soft and gentle with other people until they understand that my being open to new loves doesn’t mean I am actively seeking to invalidate their love. I can offer a word of validation for their choices even if they are invalidating my own. I can walk fearless through the world trusting that I will have the resources and strength to deal with problems as they arise rather than creating obstacles to falsely overcome. I can lead by example and teach through gentleness that love has no boundaries, no limits, no end. I can also teach that while love has no limits time does! Sometimes a love is so great and magnificent it binds two people together and is everything they need. Sometimes that same love is so great that is begs to be shared with others. Practicing safer sex, being gentle with the hearts and bodies of others, talking often and lovingly, and living a good healthy life will do more to show how I truly am than endless ranting and raving.

In this new found freedom I can answer questions truthfully,openly, and ignore the fear that prompts others to act in hateful ways. I can speak for balance and harmony and be a tree hugger as inoffensively as possible. I can continue to live my life, without a bill board and soap box. For what it’s worth at least my heart will thank me for reducing the stress!

Sometimes the most powerful way to counter hate and criticism is to smile and continue on your way, it just isn’t worth the pain and strain to try to convince people you are right when they don’t want to be convinced. My children will be my vindication or my downfall, either they will be emotionally healthy and happy with the choices I’ve made or they will be my harshest critics. If I am rigid and unhappy how can I teach them serenity? If I hide who I am to be accepted how can I teach them to be proud of who they are? If I am always screaming to be heard how can I listen? If I am not content and happy in my life then I am charged with the task of changing what I can so I can be content and happy. One of the things I cannot change is the opinions and beliefs of others, I can only influence them. I have to admit that I am always positively influenced by someone who is quiet, serene and happy. I am moved by people who are content in their lives and something about that quiet message is a balm to my soul. I have seen the way my lovers, and my children look at me and what I look like in their eyes, I am content.