I’m of the opinion that all sex is good, as long as it’s safe and legal. But lately I’ve been hearing stories from my friends who are either married or in long-term partnerships talking about doing it when they don’t want to, or forcing it.
One such story comes from a friend of mine who is fairly young and just gave birth to her second child. Her husband is 13 years older than her and has been married three times now. He’s a sweet guy, just … complicated. She’d had baby number two, and about three weeks after, I called to see if she wanted to have lunch. She said she couldn’t because she had to “maintain her marriage.” I was silent for a moment before asking in all my single glory “what the hell does that mean!?” She meant she had to have sex with her husband. I asked how the hell that was possible since she wasn’t supposed to have sex until six weeks after the baby was born. She said the sex wasn’t about her, it was about giving him some pleasurable attention so that 20 years down the road in the middle of some argument he didn’t yell out “yeah well when the baby came you ignored me!”
The second story I heard from a friend who was a newlywed. He rented a vacation beach house with his wife of just a few years and her parents. In the middle of the vacation, her parents had this huge fight and spent the evening in different bedrooms not speaking. Next morning… still not speaking. That afternoon, he walked into the house from the beach to find the two sitting on the couch talking. He said something about how glad he was they’d patched things up and were speaking again. His mother-in-law said “Oh I’m still pissed… we just got together to have sex. We have needs….”
My last story is of a couple I’ve known for some time. After their son was born, their sex life dwindled and faded away. Now it’s to a point that they have sex maybe five times a year if they’re lucky. He’s miserable; she doesn’t care. She tries to say it has to do with a low sex drive, which might be a result of antidepressants, but the last time I was around just her she seemed super horny. She said that sometimes she withholds sex from her husband because she doesn’t think he deserves it.
The last story made me furious. Any time sex is used as a tool for manipulation or a form of pay-back, a little part of my feminism weeps. Not to mention, the lack of honesty is pretty obvious, and love seems to be lacking. The contrast between the new and old relationship couldn’t be more different. Yet, the dedication to the relationship is the same whether it’s the newlyweds or the couple that had been together for 40 years.
The idea of forcing the intimacy when you don’t want it seemed like a bad idea when I thought about it. If you have to force it … why are you together? The contrast in all of the situations seems to be that in the stable relationships the intimacy wasn’t exactly forced. Regardless of the situation – the couples loved each other and were investing in the longevity of their relationship. The third clearly didn’t want to have the sex, but also didn’t seem to want to do whatever it would take to ensure their relationship remained solid.
Couple number three makes me depressed just thinking about it. If you’re in a loveless relationship where the intimacy seems forced – I encourage another alternative arrangement. And if you’re in a kinky relationship where forced intimacy is part of the game, then tallyho!
Bethany
Couple one disturbs me the most. Possibly doing irrevocable damage to your body just to keep hubby happy is ridiculous. It sounds like an emotionally abusive relationship to say the least. After each of my kids, my husband enjoyed 6 weeks of blowjobs, handjobs, boobjobs etc. Not because I felt I had to but because pleasing my husband pleases me. He would have been fine waiting 6 weeks but denying us both the contact seemed silly to me.
Couple two reminds me of my parents, except they wouldn’t speak openly about it.
Couple three is just twisted. She is abusing her husband in one of the worst ways you can hurt a man. A low sex drive is no excuse. You don’t have to have a high sex drive to give your husband a little tickle & cuddle a couple times a week. It would be more reasonable to throw down the gauntlet and flat out tell him… I don’t feel like having sex and it’s your job to make me feel like it.
I know of a couple that schedules their sex. 2-3 times a month, written on the calendar, most with the qualifying “quickie” written in. They’re in their 20′s for goodness sake.
MsX
She wasn’t having sex – she was giving him a blow job
MrsNaughtywed
Wow! Interesting. I think the forced intimacy you described is not good. Women shouldn’t have to feel like they have to ‘give it up’ like it’s a chore. When you start feeling like it’s a chore to have sex with your hubby then something went really wrong down the lines of communication. Couple number 1 really disturbs me. It pisses me off when a women feels like her body isn’t hers and it’s meant for her husband. That’s seriously old school and I effing hate that. My family raised me to think that my body isn’t mine and it’s meant for my future husband some day. WTF!?!?!?!
As for my marriage. Happily married for 3 years now, been together for 6 years. I know we’re still newlyweds but our sex life is amazing. We force sex on each other all the time but it’s in terms of play. We take turns being the dominate one who ties up the other. It’s all play and fun and we do have safe words to use instead of ‘no’ if we need to stop. Now this is the forced sex I do like.
anonymous
In abusive relationships “forced” can end up being out and out physical force. But it doesn’t take physical force to “force” someone. Sex can be had to keep the peace, to try to keep the person in a better mood, out of fear of what will happen if you don’t…etc.
There is such a thing as being raped by your partner.
Here is a question…is their such a thing as date rape in an ongoing relationship?
The title of this article really got my attention.
ElleBee
Yikes. That’s awful. I think that one of the most important aspects to any healthy relationship is communication and honesty, and anyone either withholding sex to manipulate their partner or having sex when they don’t want it is obviously not being honest. That’s rough. I know that sometimes I will accept the invitation to ‘fool around’ with my partner, even if I’m not 100% in the mood, but only because I know once things get going I’ll almost always get into it. But then, I’m being honest with both of us.
And to Anonymous: Yes, I believe there is something as date rape (although it might be called something else… like domestic abuse) no matter how long a relationship has been going on.
anonymous again
thank you ellebee for that validation. I think you are correct in it falling under the category of domestic abuse as opposed to “date rape”. I have been uncomfortable and feeling guilty when I have used the word “rape”. I have felt that wording has not been respectful to rape victims. Thank you. I don’t talk about it with anyone anymore,(it’s in the past) but now if I need to talk about it I have a new way to refer to it.
and thank you ms. x for opening up this topic.