(Note: this article is about vaginal fisting only. If you are interested in anal fisting, I recommend doing some additional research such as picking up Dr. Jack Morin’s book “Anal Pleasure and Health: A Guide for Men, Women and Couples” prior to attempting it, as it is a more advanced and potentially dangerous [if done incorrectly] activity than vaginal fisting.)

Fisting is my desert island sexual activity. Yes, if I was only allowed one type of sex act for the rest of my life, I would choose fisting over oral sex and every imaginable kind of intercourse. No other partnered sex act has given me the same levels of breathless intensity, A Spot and G Spot stimulation, and sensations of pure erotic surrender. A friend once described that the first time she was fisted it felt as if she had “unblocked her chi (Chinese word for vital energy),” and reported she felt incredibly euphoric and productive afterwards.

Women who have tried it and enjoyed it swear by it as an incredible sexual experience. But getting a partner’s entire hand inside their vagina may still be an intimidating prospect for some women. The sex act that I consider is most similar to fisting is anal sex. Anal sex can be painful and uncomfortable if you do it wrong, but if you go slowly, warm up your partner, and use plenty of lube, it’s an incredibly pleasurable experience that doesn’t have to be painful at all. Fisting is the same way.

Part of the problem is that fisting is still considered a taboo sex act by many people, even those who are otherwise interested in alternative sex. Fisting is rarely shown in porn, (Jenna Jameson once said that her whole hand is not much bigger than your average porn star’s penis, but many studios have rules against showing fisting) or else it’s shown in a way that appears painful and uncomfortable. There is very little readily-available information and education about fisting. (Though, I have not read it and it may be a little tricky to find, Deborah Addington’s “A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting,” is allegedly a great book on the subject.)

Fisting is a fairly common activity amongst the lesbian and queer community (perhaps because most women tend to have smaller hands), but many heterosexual women are concerned that it will make them “loose” and unable to satisfy a male partner. (Repeat after me: no sexual activity within reason is going to make you “loose” if you’re doing your kegels regularly. “Looseness” is a sex negative myth designed to control women and make them fearful.)

In part one of this series, I will dispel some myths that might have scared you or your partner away from trying fisting. In part two, I will give step-by-step instructions for how to try it yourself!

Fisting Myth #1: Fisting Hurts

Not if you’re doing it right! Think about it–a vagina was designed to give birth to a baby. In most cases, a fist is smaller than a baby’s head! (Incidentally, fisting can be a great activity for pregnant women to begin toning their vagina for natural birth.) A vagina has the natural potential to stretch a great deal, but the key is warming up the vaginal muscles beforehand, just like how athletes stretch and warm up their muscles prior to an intense workout. It is necessary to relax and warm up the vaginal muscles so they able to expand comfortably. It is great to do fisting after penetrative sex and an orgasm or two, as the vagina will be naturally more open and relaxed at this time. The other part of the equation is using plenty of lube, and having the receiving partner breathe deeply to help ease the hand inside.

Here’s the good news- it’s really the first one or two inches of the vagina that is surrounded by muscular tissues that keeps it “tight” and contracted. The tissue deeper in the vagina is more expansive and malleable, and tends to “balloon” out during arousal. So the trickiest part of fisting is getting the biggest part of the hand past the muscular entrance, and into the part that’s fuller and more open, with the narrower wrist resting at the tightest part. Once the hand is inside, the vagina should feel quite full, but not uncomfortably painful.

It is inevitable that you may have a little soreness after being fisted for the first time, just like your muscles might be sore after starting a new exercise regime. This soreness is generally not harmful and will quickly pass. Depending on the size of the fister’s hand, you may experience some brief pain as the thickest part of the hand enters you. If it feels like too much, stop. You will probably not want your first experience to be with someone with a very large hand, unless you already have some established elasticity from natural childbirth. If you are able to find a partner with a smaller hand, it shouldn’t be any more intense than being penetrated by a large dildo or penis. If you’re a bit of pain slut, you may enjoy a little bit of soreness during play, but take care not to injure yourself.

Fisting is definitely an intense experience, but it does not have to be a painful experience if you don’t want it to be. Learn to tell the difference between this physical intensity and the “bad” pain that tells you something is wrong.

Fisting Myth #2: Fisting is Dangerous

Not if you do it correctly. Like I said, the vagina is designed for childbirth, and is impressively durable as a result. The main risks associated with fisting are tissue irritation and possible increased risk of UTIs (risks also associated with regular intercourse!) You can avoid these problems by using lots of lube and peeing immediately after you’re finished playing to flush out bacteria from your urethra.

Fisting Myth #3: Fisting will make you loose.

The vagina is elastic. Imagine a rubber band. You can stretch it several times larger than its original size, but it will snap back once you release the tension. A vagina stretches to conform to the size of what is inserted in it, then goes back to its original size when the playing is done. With fisting, you are training your vagina to become more elastic. I also find that if I haven’t been fisted in a few months, my vagina shrinks a bit, and takes longer to warm up, so I’m definitely not “loose” as a result of enjoying fisting long-term over the years. Some women may find that their vagina feels bigger for an hour or so after fisting, but things will go back to “normal” quite quickly. (Personally, I find I’m tighter after fisting because my tissues are more engorged from the intense stimulation.) If you’re truly worried about not being tight enough, invest in a kegelcisor and improve the muscle tone in your vagina, and you’ll find you’ll have no complaints from partners.

Stay tuned for part two, when I explain the “how” of fisting!