Fears of a Secret Genderqueer

Posted by LithaewyncloseAuthor: Lithaewyn Name:
Email: lithaewyn@gmail.com
Site: http://purely-sullied.blogspot.com/
About: I am a young university student and am generally preoccupied by trapping my nose in books or keeping my head in the clouds—and sometimes the gutter. I'm many things besides a student and a pervert, such as a lover and a writer. I first came to Eden in early 2009, and love how the community continues to grow.See Authors Posts (2)

I’m nervous about packing.

Since I don’t disclose myself though I do openly cross dress, I’m sure people have their assumptions. Considering that I work publicly in front of a group of people at least once a week, I feel almost like I’m on stage. I know what it’s like to be on stage after eight years of orchestra and several dance performances under my belt. It’s not the same as standing up in front of club as an officer—my peers and sometimes my head professor—but it does put a spotlight on me. It puts me in plain sight. People can see what I’m wearing, if I’m bound or not, and it’s a great opportunity for them to evaluate me.

My campus is mostly liberal and most people I meet are open-minded. But it seems like the conservatives I meet are very strict and close-minded. Knowing that I’m voluntarily putting myself in the spotlight and that those types of people will see me too makes me uncomfortable. I don’t believe they even have the capacity to begin to understand, and that they will pass on their (probably flawed) critiques. Because of my involvement in the social eye and the fact that I am a representative of an organization, my reputation is important. Such gossip could really hurt me and the club, which is entirely unrelated to gender issues.

Eventually I will work up the courage to do it. After all, people will make their judgments. That’s how we work. That’s what we do. I don’t need to be accepted by my peers en masse, but I hope that most people would be able to look over something that’s so trivial in the scheme of things.

I just don’t want to be a poster child for my campus’s GLBTQI community. I’m an introvert. I don’t want my gender to be observed and ridiculed. I’d rather not be seen in most cases, especially by the people who are driven to shout, “Hey, it’s that genderfucked person!” and ask me why I have a penis some days and not others. Embarrassing.

`Lithaewyn