I am an exhibitionist. I’m sure I’ve said that before. It’s what drove me to begin writing about my sexcapades on the Internet and is what ultimately drew me to Internet Gor. I’m a writer, you see, and roleplaying on the Internet is an awesome exercise in one’s descriptive capabilities. And the perfect opportunity to show off one’s capacity for the art of written seduction. My exhibitionism often comes with a bit of trepidation. Mostly because…
I am also a submissive people pleaser. Some people consider being “submissive” and being a “people pleaser” one and the same, but they’re not. Not always. Dominant people can enjoy pleasing people, too. And not all submissive people enjoy pleasing people indiscriminately. I do. I’m funny that way. I love knowing I’ve made someone happy, or lifted their spirits, or helped them out somehow no matter who they are.
Well, okay. Let’s be honest here, and say there are at least four people I hope to never make life easier for.
Master enjoys showing me off. To us, regardless of our belief that there is nothing “wrong” with exhibitionism (or exhibitionists), the whole thing is still a bit dirty. Dirty in the “Jesus that’s hot. Come here, I want to fuck you.” way, though really, is there any other kind? So he occasionally takes pictures of me and posts them on the Internet. Or makes me post them, depending on how sadistic he’s feeling.
Not just your run-of-the-mill “This is Rayne walking down a trail.” photos (but those too!). More “This is Rayne getting beat.” and “This is Rayne being fucked with a dildo.” and “This is Rayne in a hood with cum dripping down her chin.” Most of the time, I don’t feel degraded by the things we get up to. The idea doesn’t even cross my mind to feel less of a person than the average joe because I enjoy my lover treating me the way that turns us both on. Until someone tells me I should.
There are a lot of people who have issues with exhibitionism. They think people who want or need confirmation from strangers they’ll most likely never meet that their naked form is desirable have issues for which they should seek help. Some consider it cheating if the person is in a relationship, and in some cases, even if the partner is involved. Their reasons for their beliefs* are, in most cases, understandable, and in some even acceptable.
I don’t begrudge people their right to an opinion. I just wish they’d stop trying to apply them to situations they know nothing about.
In many cases, and in my relationship right now, exhibitionism never goes beyond show and tell. There’s no desire for there to be anything more than someone seeing photographic evidence of my salacious desires. We’ve made friends along the way, and they’re awesome, but that was never the intent. And even if we did decide to swing back toward poly, the exhibitionism would still be about our sexuality, and not necessarily finding someone to play with.
I was raised to believe marriage was the end of the road as far as sex and relationships were concerned. For the rest of your life, you’d be bound sexually and emotionally to only one person and feeling that way toward another is a terrible offense. Not only against your partner, but also your higher power. Imagine how difficult a rule that must be to learn for someone who is also raised to love everyone equally.
I met a couple who were members of a swingers club when I was 19. I didn’t really understand it, and the fact that they wanted to swing with my ex and I was lost on me until I ran into them again when my ex was in prison. They invited me over then, too, but I still didn’t “get it” so I turned them down.
I knew I was an exhibitionist very young but I didn’t really understand the interest in including others until my owner came to me with his interest in owning another woman. I often found myself attracted to other women and trying to deny it because I was married. I would cry hysterically when Master would talk about letting others use me because I thought it was cheating. Actually fulfilling my fantasies of posting dirty pictures of myself on the internet seemed too close to giving someone something they aren’t entitled to. And not even someone we know and trust. Just anyone who happens upon the page!
I don’t know how many times he explained to me that it’s not cheating if everyone’s in agreement before I finally began to see his side. He’d ask me what cheating is, and I’d say being romantically or sexually involved with someone behind your partner’s back. I always qualified with “behind your partner’s back” so he asked why.
When it comes right down to it, who does it hurt? If all parties are in complete accord, and they’re not forcing anyone to look, who does it hurt?
Master and I both enjoy putting me on display. From naked pictures to personal thoughts to noteworthy accomplishments. Hell, I’m even, in most cases, required to discuss my bad behavior with the Internet. We each have our own reasons and probably neither of us knows all of the other’s. But we’re both happy and we’re not harming anyone. So how can it be “bad” or “wrong”?
*I understand that for some of you this is a religious issue. Please know that I mean no offense, I just don’t agree with your beliefs.