Ever since I can remember I’ve been a “big girl.” I’ve been “big boned” or “plus sized” or “well padded.” I’ve actually been told so many times that I realized I’ve come to believe it lately; that I will never, ever be skinny. That I will never have a flat stomach. That I will never be able to shop outside the Plus Size section.
Along with that because I’ve been overweight all my life people have ensured to tell me how a lot of my skin will have lost its elasticity and I’ll have all this extra skin after I’ve lost a lot of weight. Needless to say that put an honest fear of weight-loss in my head; I don’t want extra skin!
I’ve gotten past the whole fear of weight loss due to extra skin issue. However, I still have this belief that I’ll never be skinny. That even if I lost 150 pounds I will still be fat. I know that this certainly perpetuates my self-images issues. It’s quite rare when I look in the mirror and see that I truly have lost 3 dress sizes. Granted my clothes indeed are smaller sizes than they were even 5 months ago. However when I look in the mirror, I still don’t see it. It’s frustrating.
I think the worst part of it all is that I know I can do it; I’ve done a lot already! However, I still fall into old behavior patterns when the going gets tough; comfort and all.
I was once told that if I lost enough weight I could stop traffic. Now, I know that this person meant losing enough weight so that I’m at a healthy BMI and all that, however it begs the question: What really constitutes “enough?” I mean, all told I’ve lost 3 dress sizes; that’s quite a lot! Yet I’m still totally not happy.
I’ve tried to picture myself thinner, or with a flat stomach, or being able to wear clothes not in the plus sized section but I haven’t been able to. Perhaps that’s part of my hang-up with this; my disbelief that I ever will be in “normal” sizes. While I realize that “normal” is subjective, I would like to get rid of my extra dips and curves and folds. I prefer my bust curves and hip curves. I am tired of the rest of them.
So the question is; how does one change the beliefs of a lifetime and what one has been told by almost everybody? I don’t know. But I’m not going to stop trying!
TheGoddessMaria
Somehow, I found this post – at a very significant time of my life, too. I’m about to embark on a medical protocol to give my pancreas a rest for about six months. I’m told that I will be losing quite a bit of fat from my body (I’m 5’3″, weigh 220 pounds – my heaviest was 350!). I am also assured that I will NOT lose my muscle. But I’m wondering how I will feel as a not-big-girl. I just have two real spots that look fat on me (besides my moon face), so people are usually surprised that I am so heavy. I’m was a concerned that I won’t look like ME anymore, but I looked at VERY old pictures of me, and I think I’ll be ok.
Good luck to you!!
Jessica Elizabeth
Good luck to you too! I’ve considered surgery to help my weight loss, but I’m not *that* heavy, ya know? Plus, for me I need my change to be lifestyle change, so I need to do it slowly so that I can fully adopt the new healthier habits into my life.
I had a dream last week where I was actually skinny in it. I didn’t recognize myself. It was actually such a shock to see myself thin that it woke me up lol
I hope your surgery goes well!
Jenn
This post really resonates with me. At my heaviest I was 331 lbs. That was in April of 2009. I then committed myself to having weight loss surgery, and loss 47 lbs in preparation of it — my surgery date was 11/18/09, and between then and now I’ve lost another 100 lbs. Despite being “almost” normal at 184 lbs, I still feel like the 300+ lb girl I once was. And the difference with how society used to treat me vs how they treat me now is rather disheartening.
In terms of loose skin, if you lose a drastic amount of weight, you probably will have some. I’ll be honest: my stomach is a mess. But I’ve also had two babies, and my last pregnancy resulted in a c-section, so I’m sure that has a bit to do with my stomach’s condition. I have bingo flaps on my arms, and loose around around my thighs and under my butt, and a bit around my breasts as well (I joke that I’m a C cup trapped in DD skin). But the skin is tightening up, slowly, and since I’m young I hope it’ll tighten up to the point where I can pass on the surgery.
Ultimately, loose skin is mostly a cosmetic issue, whereas morbid obesity is a life-threatening health condition. I chose to be healthier, even if I do look deflated!
Jessica Elizabeth
I agree; loose skin is merely cosmetic. Thankfully with the 3 dress sizes that I have lost it’s been slow enough that my skin has retained elasticity and I don’t have any loose yet. I hope to continue the slow weight loss so that I can a – make and retain a healthy lifestyle for the rest of my life and b – ensure that my weight loss is healthy and that I don’t have the loose skin problem.
Miss M
When is losing the weight enough weight? Never; as women we are extremely hard on ourselves. Once the weight is lost, we then worry about how toned we are. Once we’re toned we then focus on our ankles not being small enough, our breast size, our bottom’s shape, our leg length. Then some elect surgery. Now it’s how the hair isn’t thick enough, the skin isn’t luminous… My point – exercise, eat well, take care of yourself, but make your happiness outside of how you look. Surround yourself with positive, funny people; get involved and volunteer; entertain more. These are the things that will make you truly satisfied with the person you are, be it 120 lbs with long legs and great boobs or 320 lbs with a beautiful smile and gorgeous skin. All of sudden being big or small doesn’t seem so important.
Best of luck to you Jessica Elizabeth, you’ll get there, however be happy with where you are now.
xo- Miss M
Jessica Elizabeth
You are so right, Miss M. I am actually quite happy with where I am now, which is something I haven’t experienced in a long, long time. I think that could be why my weight issues are so magnified for me now. I’m satisfied and happy with the majority of the rest of my life, plus I’ve actually lost quite a bit of weight so it’s forever in the forefront of my mind.
*hugs* Thanks for your supportive comment.
Vally
Like you I have been overweight my entire life. Sometime during high school I was at my lowest weight of 150lbs and wearing a size 12 or 14, for me that was skinny, it did not last more than a couple of years though.
I know exactly what you mean about the fear of loose skin, I have that same fear. I have lost 50 lbs in the past year and still need to lose 100 more to be at that high school weight of 150lbs. I would be perfectly happy with anything under 200lbs though.
For a long time my weight did a number on my self esteem and I fought it and learned to accept myself as I was. This is a fantastic thing if you can do it, but in accepting myself, I also accepted my love of food and that was how I got to 310lbs.
A couple years ago I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. I was 38 years old. This type of diabetes used to be known as age onset diabetes because it happened when you got much older than I was and your body could no longer maintain your blood sugar levels. Anyway, I was shocked and as I learned more about the disease I was terrified. I guess sometimes though it takes a major slap to get my attention. Since the diagnosis I have been working on getting healthier, not necessarily losing weight, but that has been a part of it too.
So, from my perspective, “losing enough weight” is measured in my physical health. I want to lose enough that I can get out from under the diagnosis of Type 2 diabetes. I did it last year, my blood sugar was in the normal range, then I quit smoking and that ruined my focus. It is all about health though, so as we head into the new year my focus is returning to the diet and exercise program and once again hitting those normal levels.
Feeling happy with yourself and your curves may take a little emotional work as well. I worked a long time on my mental outlook and it really does help. Don’t listen to what other people say about you, your opinion is the one that matters.
Jessica Elizabeth
I agree, totally ^^ and for me it was the same thing. Last year I finally came to a delicate acceptance of my body, not so much liking it but knowing that this is me, and this is who i am. But even more I came to an understanding that I love food and while I Love a lot of healthy food I also love a lot of unhealthy food.
I think a lot of my challenge right now is balancing the idea that I need to loose some more weight but that doesn’t mean I dislike my body; I just need to be healthier.
It’s so hard to explain >.> lol
BBW Talks Toys
I’ve also been overweight my entire life. I’ve done the “eat right and exercise” thing for months and lost a handful of pounds (under 20) and I’m at my wits end. I understand completely how you feel. I don’t think I’ll ever lose the weight and I don’t think I’ll ever even manage to make it out of the 300 lb range. It’s disheartening and making me consider more drastic measures to fix what sensible eating and exercise won’t. (I didn’t think I would lose 150 lbs in 4 months, but I had hoped for 30-40)
Jessica Elizabeth
I’ve tried so many things, but everybody’s body is different. I know someone who can’t eat any sort of pasta, even if she has one meal of spaghetti she puts on upwards of 5 lbs, it’s unbelievable. Maybe you have something like that? I think hers is a gluten allergy. Have you talked to a doctor about something like that?
*hugs*
txymxy
The first thing I thought of while reading your article was my bellydance studio. I’m a skinny little thing with hardly any curves, and I am just so jealous of the “big boned”, “well-padded” dance instructors and students I’ve known who look so amazingly sexy bellydancing. On my frame, the same moves are really not as dramatic. Not to put myself down, but rather to offer up a suggestion: if you’ve got all that padding already, why not learn how to throw it around a bit? The first class I ever took a couple years ago, my instructor was a big tall woman who could most definitely be described as heavy; not someone I initially saw as specifically attractive. But then she started dancing – holy hell, was I ever in awe. All those parts of her that seemed (too?) big before now looked downright luscious.
Just a thought
Jessica Elizabeth
You know how funny it is that you mention that? On Thanksgiving I actually secured myself a bellydancing teacher!! ^^ I am SO going to learn how to “Throw it all around” as you said.
Totally
I can’t WAIT! 
txymxy
That’s awesome! Have fun!