When you look in the mirror, what do you see? Do you see your bulging belly fat, or do you see small your uneven breasts? Does the size of your penis bother you? Maybe you are lacking large muscles like other guys have. We all have some things about our bodies that are imperfect. Does your self-body image have you missing out on self-love, or maybe even love with others?

Many women and men out there feel that if their bodies are not up-to-par for another; they are not fit for sexual intimacy with themselves or others. Obviously, this is all in their minds, but it is still a problem out there that is very real.

I interviewed 20 people at a local health center in my area. I asked them to write three paragraphs on how they feel about themselves, their body images, and the status on their sex lives. I picked out two excerpts, from two people, that really gave a tug on my heart. One is a 40-year-old married woman, and the other is a gay, 20-year-old male. When you read these two excerpts, you will be surprised to find out how similar these very different people are. Last names are concealed for privacy.

Jennifer says “My husband never tells me I look beautiful. I mean, NEVER. I don’t get compliments no matter what I do or what I wear. It’s so pathetic because I even try to fish for compliments. The other day he told me that I should get a membership at a gym. I only weigh 145 lbs. I thought I looked great. Other people tell me all the time that I look amazing. Strangers at work compliment me on my outfits almost every day. Now, I am honestly so ashamed of myself that I wear nightgowns in bed, and I masturbate with my clothes on. We don’t even make love naked anymore like we used to when we got married. I just feel disgusted if I’m not covered up, especially in front of him…”

Richard says “My boyfriend and I don’t seem to be clicking anymore. He is so obsessed with making his muscles larger, and I was just okay with being me. The thing is, he thinks I should be working on my muscles as well. I don’t want to, though. I don’t have the time to work out twice a day like he does. I have a job that requires half of my day, and when I come home, I just want his attention. He says that I am too chunky. I weigh in at 200 lbs, and I am 6 feet tall. I didn’t think I looked that bad until recently. We haven’t had sex in about three months, and I don’t even feel like I need to masturbate anymore. There’s just no point in loving myself if no one else will love me.”

These are real quotes from two real people here in San Antonio, Texas. Did you notice how the feelings about their own self images are completely based off what their partners think about them? Both are lacking affirmation from their loved ones, causing them to lack affirmation from themselves. Notice how they both said that they never thought they looked bad before their partners stopped complimenting them. What does this mean to you?

If you have this problem, it isn’t too late to save your sexuality. All you need is a mirror, some sticky notes, and a marker. Each morning when you wake up, go to a safe place where you can be totally alone. If it’s your bathroom, then go to your bathroom. Lock the door, get undressed, and stand in front of your mirror. Look at your body without all of the makeup, clothes, and whatever else you use to cover up what you feel ashamed of.

Pick out a part of your body that is beautiful to you. Take your marker, and write that body part down on a sticky note, in which you will stick to your mirror.  Underneath that body part, write why you like that body part the most out of all the others. Then, before you go off and get ready for your day, take the time to look yourself in the eye and repeat these words: “I love my body. My body is beautiful. I am sexy no matter what anyone else thinks. I have the right to enjoy pleasure whenever I want it. I love my body. I love myself.”

If you can’t stick these notes on your mirror, keep them in your planner or in a diary. Whatever works best for you. I find the mirror helpful because it helps others see that you still love yourself, and most of all, it is a great reminder every time you look in the mirror. Continue this each day until you are left with the things that you don’t like so much. Start choosing the body parts that you like the most out of the options you have been left with. You will start to see that the things you disliked before, aren’t as bad as they once seemed.

Take the time to understand that the times around you are changing. To have a body like a celebrity or porn star is extremely unrealistic. Unless of course, you are a celebrity or a porn star. Think of all the money and time they waste on surgeries, makeup, etc. to make their bodies look “perfect”. The females actually trim their labia and vulvas to the point where they barely even exist anymore. Males get penis injections to appear to have larger ones. Without all of that, those people would look just like you. And there is nothing wrong with that.

Then, think about others who have it worse than you. It might be sad for you to think of this, but someone out there always has it worse. Think of how lucky you are to have your body. Look at your imperfections, and embrace them. Maybe you feel like your thighs are too thick. Think about the unfortunate people who have lost their legs in battles overseas, or in tragic accidents. Think of the people who were born deformed. Learn to love every part of yourself, no matter what.

Then, at night before you go to bed, (or whenever you find convenient) take the time to pleasure yourself. You can start out slow by taking a nice hot bubble bath in candlelight, or just give yourself a nice massage with your Hitachi wand before you go to sleep. You could even ask your partner for a massage. When you make love with your partner, wear a little less clothing than usual, no matter how you feel about your body.

Try to find one goal that is important to you. Something you want to do for yourself. Maybe you want to drink more water, stop eating so much candy, or walk every night. You could even make a goal to masturbate daily instead of once a week. As long as it is something you want to do for yourself, and only yourself, give it a go. Make a weekly log to keep track of how you do with your goal. When you do good, reward yourself at the end of the week with whatever you choose.

As you progress, day to day, start wearing less clothing in bed. Try to masturbate when you feel aroused, instead of going straight to your partner for attention, or waiting for them to get home to make love. The gift of self-pleasure and self-acceptance is such a valuable thing that we often overlook it. You have to give love to yourself, before you can give your love to another.