I’ve been married to my husband for nine years. Every year, around the time of our anniversary, we start to reminisce about all the things we used to do when we were dating. I’ll roll my eyes and mention how silly he sounded while he rambled for hours when we first met. He’ll go on about how he couldn’t stop staring at my thighs and thinking about having them wrapped around his head. I’ll remind him that he didn’t even kiss me for an entire month, and that we sat in the car for 3 hours before he finally worked up the nerve to do it. That kissing quickly progressed into us spending hours in the back seat of his 94 Chevy Lumina (that we still own). At this point of the conversation we always stop and ask each other the same question.
Were my parents complete idiots?
He would pull into their driveway before my curfew, and we would sit in the car until 3 or 4 o’clock in the morning. We had hours and hours of sex in the backseat of that car, all while parked in the driveway. There were times we even got up in the middle of movies and said we were going to the car to ‘talk’, and they never said anything. You would think that they would have gotten up to come check on us at some point, but they never did.
One could argue that we were being pretty stupid too. Having sex in the backseat of a vehicle can get you into trouble for indecent exposure and public sex acts, requiring you to register as a sex offender in our state. In our defense though, I lived on a dirt road in a heavily wooded area. The odds of a police cruiser finding us on it’s patrol were slim to none. My parents could have caught us at any time though. They just chose to completely ignore the fact that we were having sex.
I doubt they could have stopped us from doing it. Horny teenagers have a way of figuring out how to get the sex they want. But I sometimes wonder how different my life would have turned out if my parents had been more concerned. What if they thought the way that I do, instead of sticking their heads in the sand and pretending to not know what was going on with Chad and I? Maybe if they’d asked about condoms, or taken me to get on birth control, I wouldn’t have been telling them that I was pregnant a couple of months after I started dating Chad. I adore my children, but having a child while you’re still a child is hard. We didn’t really even get to enjoy the honeymoon period of our relationship before we were launched into all the responsibilities of parenthood.
What if I had gone to college like I had planned, before I peed on that stick and two pink lines showed up? What if Chad hadn’t been the type of person who takes responsibility for his actions, and left me to raise our child alone? Would we have had to struggle so much to make ends meet if we had waited to have children? Would we have had to go through the pain of our affairs if we had the opportunity to learn to love each other before we had to put the kids first?
I know people say that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but why should you have to go through something that almost kills you in the first place? Especially when it could have easily been prevented. Teenagers are going to have sex. Isn’t it better to prepare them for it than to pretend it’s not going to happen?
I certainly think so.
It doesn’t do anyone any good to stick your head in the sand and ignore reality. Talking about things, even if they’re painful or embarrassing, is the only way to learn from them. I’d much rather figure out how to talk to my kids about sex and contraception, than figure out babysitting arrangements so they can finish high school, or help them call their previous sex partners to explain that they’ve possibly been exposed to an STD. Explaining how to properly use a condom seems a lot easier to me. Don’t you think so too?
P'Gell
I certainly talk to my children about sex and birth control. My girls, however, made their own trips to Planned Parenthood, to get birth control, when the time came.
However, my mother was a “devout” Catholic, she “didn’t believe” in birth control. I was also given NO information about the subject. So when I was about 16 and knowing I was going to be having sex, I went to the encyclopedia at school (as there was no readily available internet back then and we didn’t OWN an encyclopedia) and looked up “Birth Control.” I took notes and brought them home to review. I also looked up Planned Parenthood in the phone book and made an appointment. I obtained adequate birth control BEFORE I lost my cherry. I was barely 16.
Although I do feel My Man and I have some responsibility to educate our children about sex and avoiding pregnancy and STDs, I also believe that if young people are old enough to be having sex, they are old enough to look up data and secure birth control on their own. It’s part of being an adult. As is having sex.
I did it, years before there was any internet access and I didn’t get pregnant until the very first time we ever had sex w/o protection, 7 years after we started having sex. My Man was finished with college and secured a good job, I had finished college, we had bought a house, had a lot of fun and we were ready for a child.
I was glad I had done the research to obtain birth control before I ever had sex for the first time. I honestly don’t think it was my parent’s “responsibility” to do it for me. I was old enough to fuck, that should have meant I was mature enough to do a little research. And, in those days there was a LOT less access, information and methods of birth control than there are now or even as much access and methods as there were 10 years ago.
With the increased availability of birth control and access and information available on the internet, there is NO excuse not to give oneself access to birth control at any age one makes the ADULT decision to have sex.
In the end, we are responsible for our own actions.
Sarahbear
Good for you for having the resources available and the forethought to take responsibility for your actions. I’m going to have to disagree with you though, on several points.
1. Anyone under 18 is a minor. Yes, having sex is an adult decision and they should be made aware of the responsibility that comes along with having sex, but even at 17, parents are responsible for making sure their children have access to birth control and STD prevention.
2. MOST teenagers do not have the same impulse control as you apparently did and think about the seriousness of the consequences of doing things like having sex. This has been studied, a lot, by psychologists. The part of the brain that predicts long term consequences is still developing and not fully functioning. So to expect teenagers to take matters into their own hands and be completely responsible is little more than wishful thinking.
3. Even with access to the internet, several places are YEARS behind in sex education and access to free screenings and contraceptives. Hell, I don’t even have a Planned Parenthood closer than 2.5 – 3 hours away from where I live. There are 5 in my entire state! Many, many young people do not have access to clinics where they can obtain free contraceptives. They might have parents who snoop and throw it out (e.g. Farrah’s father on Teen Mom). You never know what people in situations unlike yours are dealing with and it’s unfair to assume that just because the internet exists that everyone has access to it and knows how to find the information they need. Even with free access to the internet (via libraries), and free contraceptives from clinics, the free time, privacy, transportation and such all need to line up so these things work.
4. There is a failure rate for contraceptives. I actually got pregnant 3/4 times while on birth control. The first time was partly due to misinformation passed along about not being able to get pregnant while on your period. The other times I was taking birth control, but it just didn’t work for me. Many, too many, girls find themselves pregnant because of simple mistakes. Things like not knowing that antibiotics screw up your birth control, myths passed around between teens, and not taking birth control or using condoms correctly.
Yes, we’re responsible for ourselves, but people can’t be faulted for ignorance. They can only accept the mistakes they made, learn from then and strive to do better. I am just choosing to take things a step further, and trying to teach my children from my own mistakes so that they don’t wind up walking the same path I did. That? Is what responsible parenting is, in my opinion.
P'Gell
If birth control “fails 3/4 of the time” for you, what good would your parents obtaining birth control for you have done? (I’m a nurse, a Women’s Health nurse, and I know type of BC failure is rare and due to improper usage of the BC pill. NOBODY has a 75% chance of pregnancy while taking the Pill properly. This is simply fact.)
There are other forms of BC besides the Pill. Before I obtained my birth control pills from Planned Parenthood, (which required a long ride on the El, and two bus transfers into a bad part of the city of Chicago, about a 3 hour ride one way. There were no PP clinics in the suburb where I lived. BUT, it was better than getting pregnant as a kid.) I also obtained spermicides from several drug stores (and I sometimes had to go to three or four of them, and did not have a car, in order to obtain them.) I also, then went to my private doctor (which at the age of 16, I had a job and paid for the visit myself) and obtained a diaphragm, which cost $100.00 in cash. Which again, I paid for myself, rather than have it show up on my parent’s insurance. THEN, when I was uncomfortable with percentage of pregnancy rates with the diaphragm and spermicides (and found out I was allergic to spermicides) I went to PP, hence the long public transport ride, which took me close to 3 hours one way, and obtained BC pills at a reasonable rate.
All this was MUCH less effort and heartbreak and cash outlay then having a pregnancy at 16, 17, 18 19 or even 22 would have been for me.
I am not judging you, and I agree parents “should” educate their children.
But, I also feel that anyone old enough to have sex is old enough to KNOW sex causes pregnancy AND disease and needs to be responsible enough to take the steps to make sure they are protected. I actually made My Man WAIT for almost a month, when we both wanted sex, so I could properly research and obtain birth control. He “didn’t like” condoms at first, and I knew that I wanted to go to college and that sex caused pregnancy and disease. So, we waited until I obtained BC and until we talked and decided that “like” them or not, condoms were going to be a necessity at some times (like when I had to take certain antibiotics while on the Pill, because I found this fact out, IT’S ON THE BC INSERT!) As and ADULT, using condoms at these times was his responsible to do, if we wanted sex.
I also knew that birth control wasn’t my parent’s responsibility.
If one is old enough to engage in sex, one is old enough to take care of one’s body and prevent the inevitable pregnancies and possible risk of STIs.
One of the things I learned, while reading the encyclopedia at the library, is that a women my age (about 16) have a 94% chance of becoming pregnant in one year, if sex is performed without birth control.
This information was not that hard to find in a public library more than 20 years ago. HOW could it be that hard to find in this day and age (even 10 years ago) with access to the internet? Is a library 3 hours from your house?
I’m sorry. I don’t want this to be personal, but I think blaming your parents (when YOU claimed “birth control doesn’t work for me” which, if taken properly is VERY rare, BC pills usually only fail when taken improperly) It is an irresponsible attitude for an adult.
Also, when I was on the Pill, I TOLD every doctor I saw for everything else, because the data I read (at the libary, an copied by hand, because our library didn’t have a Xerox machine AND on my insert in EVERY package of BC pills I obtained and took) said some drugs could interfere with it’s efficacy. IF the drug would interfere with my BC Pill, My Man and I would use a secondary form (forms actually, usually my diaphragm plus a condom IF we wanted to have sex) until I was done with that medication and I had started a new cycle of pills the next month.
The information was there LONG ago. Also, most young men can buy (or in a pinch borrow, beg or steal) condoms! You bf had NO access to condoms?
I am VERY fertile, it usually takes ONE try without any form of BC for me to become pregnant. I did what an adult would do; obtain birth control BEFORE I EVER had sex, and I was rewarded with finishing college, made sure he had a good job (after finishing college himself) buying a house and getting our lives in order as adults before ONE incident of sex w/o any form of BC, and our first pregnancy resulted. By then we were ready for a baby and WANTED one.
I simply feel that there is no excuse not to use birth control if one is old enough to have sex.
And blaming one’s parents is simply continuing to not take responsibility for one’s actions.
One thing I refuse to be is a Victim. My parents did stupid and irresponsible things when I was a kid, too. So? I likewise had NO information about birth control when I was a teen.
However, I believe in being responsible for my own destiny and my own body.
It didn’t take a genius to realize, “Hey, people get PREGNANT from sex. I don’t want to be pregnant because I want to go to college and grow up first.” and take steps on my own to prevent that from happening before we were ready for it. I am FAR from alone in these thoughts and actions.
I won’t blame my parents for their lack of reason when it was obvious I was having sex. I was the one having the sex! Right? Did you expect your father to run out to the car in the driveway and hand your bf a condom back then? Really?
Although I have given my own children information about birth control, I expect them to take the responsibility to obtain it and USE it according to directions. There are other forms of birth control besides the Pill, and things like a diaphragm (which more than 20 years ago, I obtained as a “minor”) a cervical cap, spermicide, vaginal contraceptive film, the female condom, Depo Provera, the NuvaRing, implanted hormone capsules (which are no longer available but were 10 years ago) condoms, which are very easy to obtain! If one store won’t sell them to you, you to to an other and and other until you find someone who will sell them to you. Or get them from a vending machine.
Sex causes pregnancy. How is that a difficult thing to admit and take responsibility for?
I don’t want this to be personal. But, I do take exception with the idea that YOUR unplanned pregnancies were in any way your parent’s fault. You were adult enough to have sex. That means YOU were responsible for your actions and their outcomes.
It is no different for anyone else. Adults take responsibility.
I hope that reason can help us to come to an agreement about this. OK?
Sarahbear
I don’t even really know where to begin. You seem to have only taken from my post that I completely blame my parents for my choices, when that really isn’t what I said or meant. Mentioning what my parents did was more to show how far parents DO stick their heads in the sand in regards to what their kids are doing (in relation to all bad things, like sex, drugs and underage drinking.)
My birth control did fail. I don’t really believe it’s necessary or like I owe it to you to explain my life story, but since you seem to have made many wrong assumptions about me, I feel the need to clarify:
I grew up with my grandmother, which is probably closer to your parents generation. I lived in a small town in GA for most of my life. We did have free pap smears, condoms and birth control available in the town I lived in while I was going to high school and I did lie to my grandmother and tell her I was having horrible periods and needed them to regulate it. I took pills, through high school, and used free condoms. Once I moved in with my mother, at 18 to begin college, there was no more access. She lived in an even smaller town. I did use condoms with my boyfriend (now husband), most of the time, but after a while we tried it without and I got pregnant.
My fault? Yeah. Completely. I was 18. I chose to have sex without condoms. However, I just thought it rather silly that I was in the driveway, fucking all night long, and my parents never even bothered to come out. When I was in high school and just talking in the car after dates my grandmother would come out and say it was time to come in after a while. I just kind of thought my parents might have wanted to do the same. Who knows. Maybe they figured I was 18 and I could do what I wanted, which I doubt, since they first hated my husband and gave me curfews and other rules to abide.
After that pregnancy, I got married and moved in with my husband. We tried condoms and spermicide, but I was allergic to both the spermicide and latex and the other condoms were more expensive. I was put on the patch, it was too strong. I was put on the nuva ring and I got pregnant. How does one get pregnant by using a ring you insert monthly and remove for the week of your period improperly? Maybe it was the breast infection I got while nursing and taking antibiotics. My OB prescribed them, but neglected to mention. She had my chart and since she’s a doctor that deals with that she probably should have mentioned the antibiotics thing. Maybe I’m just a dumb ass, in your opinion, but I was young and when I consider how many other young girls get pregnant because of the very same reason, I’m inclined to think that perhaps it’s just a common mistake. Common enough that doctors should think to mention it, as well as sex educators and parents to their kids.
Following the second pregnancy, I told the doctor of my issues with the other prescriptions I had used. One being they were too strong. She put me on a pill with no estrogen in it. My sex drive shot through the roof and I got pregnant within 4 months of taking it. Daily. At the same time, because the insert said that it was more sensitive to time issues.
I got back on a regular pill, Yaz or something. Took it for a while and after about 6 months of being on it. No clue what it was this time. It happened though.
Now, you seem to be from a large town because you mention public transportation. There IS NO public transportation in the town I live in. No taxi cabs. No buses. No subways. People live WAY off in the country, down bumpy old dirt roads. Miles from town, where there is a single health department that has limited hours. There is also a library in town, but again, some people still don’t have access to it unless they want to walk several miles into town on unlit roads.
I can’t agree with your reason, because it comes from the perspective of someone who has lived a very privileged life and refuses to acknowledge the struggles and obstacles that other people might have to overcome. Just maybe you could get off of your high horse, take a step back, and look at the big picture. Perhaps I was unclear with the purpose of this article and what I was trying to say, but I really think you’re focusing too much on one thing and blowing it out of proportion.
Once more, I was not blaming my parents for the choices I made, but the things they did (or didn’t do) did have an impact on my life and the choices I made. They aren’t responsible for any of that, and I didn’t expect them to be, which is why my husband and I have spent the last 9 years doing it all by ourselves with no help from either his or mine.
I still also feel that just because teenagers are making adult decisions it doesn’t mean they’re ready to make them. As parents it’s our job to help them navigate those decisions. I’m not knockin whatever choices you made/make for your kids. I’m just saying that because of the way my parents did things, I have chosen to do them differently.
Kimberly
Yeah. I’m pretty sure if it wasn’t for you and Chad I would have been in the same boat. Thank goodness you looked out for me. I didn’t know the first thing about any kind of preventative until I started staying every summer with you and we would talk., but when I really learned is when I moved in with you and you really started talking to me about sex and showing me how big of a responsibility children were. You were my birth control =P Thank you
P'Gell
Sarah, you and I have now discussed this privately and I think we understand each other better. I am sorry if I hurt you feelings. It was not my intention.
Hugs,
P’Gell