I often sit and shake my head at some of the things that get sent to me in my FetLife inbox. Dominates (yes I wrote Dominates) who want me to show them their ‘proper due’. Read attend to their every whim and want with absolute adoration while I am chained and naked, oh and soaking wet and wanting sex sex sex for no reason other than the fact that I am a nasty little whore who wants only to be told what to do by a Dominate of such power and strength.

Sometimes I read these things, close my eyes and count to one hundred and ninety nine. Twice.

I often find myself at conferences or socials talking to people about the need for more gateway programs, because while there are some people out there who are just dickheads there are an equal number of awesome people who simply have never learned the rules, because it is one thing to read them on a website and a different thing entirely to go to a con and find yourself at a loss as to what to do. Hell, my Daddy and I made a huge gaffe not so long ago when we attended a conference that was being held in a hotel that hosted several different conferences a year. It never occurred to us to ask the rules or to read them, we had been there before and so committed the error of assuming. Daddy cut my clothes off in the dungeon and someone had to come tell u-mid-scene that nudity was not allowed. It was POSTED for Pete’s sake, we just forgot to check. It happens.

Now back to dickheads. I have a whip, even though I do not top at all. In fact, I have my own toy bag, a thing I strongly advocate for every bottom, because when it comes to sharing toys with multiple partners I get a little germ-ophobic. Plus I want what I want, and given that I like a lot of genital and nipple torture I’ll be damned if I want anyone using stuff that might be less than clean on me. So anyway—I have a whip, it’s pink and black so it can’t hurt right? One night this one guy grabbed it right up off the towel it was laying on awaiting use. This dude swung it around his head, crowing to the people sitting around that no way could a pink whip inflict any kind of injury. Then he hit me.

Daddy was already seeing red. When that blow landed he went nuclear. He grabbed the guy’s wrist, took my whip and said, “You just consented to be in my scene.”

Daddy is a whip vendor and a fearsome hot butch dyke. He was also pissed at having his property–me–being disrespected and violated. To top it all off, that whip was my very first piece of earned leather, it is something that has serious value and meaning to me and Daddy, and it is personal to us in ways we should not have to explain. That alone was enough to earn that guy a chastisement, and Daddy damn sure gave him one. That guy screamed like a girl when a pink whip lit into the tender skin near his nut sack.

It’s pink, it can’t hurt. Bullshit, think again.

That happened at a private party held in a private house. Only about ten of us were there, and the guy who did it was a friend of a person who decided it was cool to bring him even though he had not been vetted. Nobody has ever seen him again; apparently he decided the lifestyle was not for him after all. Since then, the person who brought along the friend has also been banned from attending parties there. It was not the first time that they had brought an uninvited plus one, and no amount of talking could make them understand why that is wrong.

Yes, here is a lesson for real time parties: Never hit people who are not yours, or who have not given you clear consent, do not bring along a plus one even if they are your bestest ever friend since grammar school, and whips or any other implement can look frail and fluttery or even fluffy and still kick your ass.

But how can we put a gateway program into effect for websites? Because I really think we need a few. You should have to take a quiz or something I think before FetLife will let you click on the box that will put Master by your name. Anyone who writes I am a Dominate in their profile should be immediately put into a separate space just for them so they can annoy the hell out of others like themselves. That way the people who really want to learn something, who are looking for a way into the real time, real life lifestyle don’t get scared off by trolls who think that PM’s like this one (An actual excerpt from a PM I received is below) is not only acceptable but will get them laid.

Dominate Dickhead (Not his real name): Yer fukin hot. I bet you like lots of hot cock in yer cunt and I got one for ya. Im gonna allow you to serve Me, but first you gotta bring Me My bride price. Back in the day kings were brought cattle by the families of the women they allowed to serve them, bring Me My due, come to Me on yer knees and you will be allowed to serve Me.

I know, I should have just laughed it off. But I didn’t.

Me: I’m sure you thought that the monogamous lesbian on my profile did not mean an actual state of being but a situation I am looking to change. That is so not the case. Even if it were the case I doubt you would be my first pick. In fact I doubt that even the threat of death could induce me to fuck you. And what the hell would I be doing with cattle? I live in a CITY.

DD: Fuck you cunt. I’m an Old Guaard (his spelling) master. I got my degree online and I know way better than you what little submissive bitches want. My Dominants is far superior to your submission. You would love to have Me and you will address Me properly and in capitals.

Me: So you went to what, Leather DeVry dot com? Really? Who are your Dominants? You do know you wrote that in such a way that it suggests that you are owned by two or more Dominants don’t you? Capitals huh? What, like you want me to call you Sacramento or Boise or something?

DD: you rotten little whore! I am a Dominate and you are here to obey Me.

Me: Dominate is a verb you stupid bastard.

I waited until he wrote me back and blocked him. I sat there giggling imagining his scarlet faced anger. I know it is silly, and maybe even dangerous, to do that. But damn if that was not just the final straw. I get so fed up with these guys, and sometimes these guys are women, and sometimes they are purporting to be both true Dominates or subbies.

There are no gateway programs for people entering the Internet world of BDSM but there freaking should be. I even made up a quiz for the new people:
(All questions true or false)

1. There is only one true way, and if you don’t believe that you don’t belong here.
2. All Dominates are to be obeyed immediately, and you may never question anyone who calls themselves a Master as to what gives them the right to call themselves such, because to do so will cause you to burst into flames, and deservedly so.
3. You are not a true submissive if you are not willing to lose, if not your actual life, at least a nipple.
4. It’s cool to walk around a dungeon strapped up like a gunslinger with floggers hanging from both hips and a bullwhip for a belt, it’s even cooler to pop a whip repeatedly around scenes so everyone will know how cool you are and invite you to beat their property.
5. Feel free to boss around any submissive you see in the vicinity if you are a Dominate because they all exist to serve, so why not serve you too.
6. If you are a submissive run to every Dominant in the room, fall to your knees and offer to do anything they want because, you know, you are a sub and that is what a true sub does.

If they answer yes to any question, their profile page should immediately burst into flames. Just sayin’. Enough times of getting their pages set on fire might teach them that they have a lot to learn and maybe, just maybe, these damn Dominates will learn there is no true way, but there is a dignified and respectful one.